Coming Down
by Jack'N'SallyGal
Summary: Lily realizes that she is the dumbest sort of asshole for making a promise to Remus about things getting better. Even if, sometimes, they kind of do. Modern marauder non-magic AU.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** This is the set up chapter. We're introduced a little bit to what's happening in the lives of this group of friends.

Thanks so much for reading! Your thoughts are appreciated.

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><p>When Sirius Black is on top of the world, there is no coming down.<p>

Later, he will trace it back to the wedding.

Andromeda is radiant. Ted Tonks is by her side, looking around the room like he's won the lottery. The whole affair, with the ceremony and celebration reminds him a little of Bellatrix on her wedding day, but instead of the stiff formality, and Bella's cold beauty, Andromeda is softer. Her eyes linger on Ted, still taking in everything about him. They've been together for years, but she still flushes with delight during their first dance as husband and wife. When she winks at Sirius across the crowded hall, a small gesture of affection that warms him, he winks back, raising his glass in a silent toast to her happiness.

Liquor flows freely thanks to the open bar and endless stream of wait staff blending into the crowd with a never-ending supply of champagne. Sirius loses count of what he's had. He litters tables with empty champagne flutes as he expertly dodges family he doesn't wish to see. Between the dancing and laughing, he makes a dash to the bar where he orders drinks for everyone and downs half of them on his way.

At some point over the course of the night, he's separated from James and his date, the blonde who's a laugh and great to dance with. The room is noisy and smells like the elegant flower arrangements decorating the tables. He stops at one table to touch the petals, a little entranced by the sensation while the guests seated there look at him with naked curiosity. He moves on, forgetting James and the blonde he'd been dancing with. His body is humming, like a gentle current of electricity has replaced the blood in his veins. He half expects his fingertips to spark, but when he looks at them, nothing happens.

That spike of energy carries him away, until he's outside, gulping in the cool September air. There are a few other guests outside having a smoke. It's no one he knows, so he gives a friendly wave and continues on, putting one foot in front of the other, unsteadily. He's unsure how long he walks. The noise of the hall fades, and he might be across town, where all the shops are closed for the night. Somewhere along the way, he discards his tie and coat. They're lost forever in an alleyway he doesn't remember, but it's no great loss. He looks ridiculous in a tie.

The bars are still open, beckoning him to have a drink and conversation with the regulars. It smells a little like piss, but it's warm and the bartender serves him up until last call. His one-sided conversation with a friendly group of strangers is cut short as they're forced to vacate.

Back on the street, he wills his legs to cooperate as he follows them in the general direction of the park.

* * *

><p>"He's not answering."<p>

Remus rubs at his eyes with the heel of his hand as if it will do away his exhaustion. He was dead asleep when James came by with his date, scaring him senseless by pounding on the door until he stumbled over to let them in. From there, he'd been filled in quickly: _Sirius had too much to drink, and hadn't been seen for hours._

They continue making their calls, switching from trying Sirius to several of his other friends and brother, none of whom have seen or heard from him.

"Why don't I make tea?"

The blonde, whose name, to his embarrassment escapes Remus, looks a little uneasy with the prospect of sitting around and waiting, unable to help while they exhaust their options, one by one.

"I'll show you where everything is..."

"It's Marlene."

Remus winces, having been found out.

"I'm sorry-"

"-Don't be. You have other things on your mind."

He shows her around his kitchen, mechanically going through the motions, as she keeps up a stream of conversation to take his mind off how worried he is. She's lovely, with a wicked smile that seems to be a good match for James. He doesn't know James well, only through Sirius, but they look good together, and it's one decent thing in a shitty night.

He's pouring, content to drift in and out of what she's saying, when his roommate appears in the doorway, rumpled from sleep.

"What's going on?"

"Shit, Lily, did we wake you?"

Lily waves away his concern. She looks half-asleep, still warm from her pile of blankets, with a whole patch of red hair that's sticking up at the back of her head. Her eyes flick between Remus and Marlene and her forehead creases with worry.

"I needed to use the bathroom and saw the lights on. Everything okay?"

"Sirius is missing."

_Again_, Remus adds silently. His hands clench against the cup he's holding.

"Fuck," She bites her lower lip as she considers this development.

"Okay, let me get dressed and we can check the usual spots."

Lily reappears, joining them in the living room, dressed warmly to combat the frosty morning. The hair at the back of her head is still sticking up wildly and Remus wants to smile, grateful beyond words to know her.

Introductions are made. _Marlene and James, Lily. Lily, Marlene and James._

"I can go look around near his parents place-"

"How do you know Sirius?" James interrupts Lily, not meaning to be rude, but curious that he has no idea who she is when she seems to know him well enough to have an idea where he might be.

Lily's glance in his direction is tinged with impatience, not out of rudeness, either, but because they have something bigger to worry about. She tugs up the zipper of her coat until she's bundled almost up to her nose. Remus hands her a hat that she jams over her mass of red hair.

"We met at school."

The lie hangs between the four of them, to be dissected at a later time.

* * *

><p>After sleeping on a park bench for an hour or so, Sirius is awake, blinking open both eyes as nearby birds burst into song. The crowd that came with him to the park is gone but someone was decent enough to cover him with a jacket that smells like cigarette smoke. He shrugs it on while taking stock of the state of things. His back aches, but he's hardly aware of it. The sun is steadily making it's way above the treeline. People are out; the morning joggers who pay him no mind. Others on their way to work or picking up a cup of coffee.<p>

He's cold and smells like a distillery and his own sweat. His stomach gurgles, letting him know that there will be hell to pay if he doesn't sop up the alcohol with something greasy. After fumbling around for his wallet and counting out enough bills, he goes to the diner on the corner, grateful to be somewhere warm. The diner sounds, dishes clanking, coffee percolating, forks scraping against nearly empty plates, float over him. The waitress is a little older and calls him _hon_ when she replenishes his coffee. It takes all his effort to focus on what she's saying, managing replies with a friendly smile or nod. Eventually, he's left with his food so he can eat until his stomach feels ready to burst.

He leaves a generous tip, throwing down all the cash he has on him before departing, heading back out into the morning.

* * *

><p>"We can't file a missing persons report, yet. It's too soon."<p>

"James is still out with Peter. They might still be able to find him before too long."

They are standing together in the cold, joined by Mary who Remus only knows in the context of her dating Lily. Remus knows they can't report him missing yet, and that, logically, Sirius is probably fine. He does this sometimes. Not often enough to become a habit, just enough that it's still familiar.

Still.

It's approaching noon. Sirius has a night class later and they were supposed to meet up at two to debrief about the wedding and grab lunch. Worry is gnawing through his gut, even with Lily squeezing his arm and the mantra he keeps tucked away in his mind: _He's fine, he's fine, he's fine..._

* * *

><p>It's Remus who finds Sirius. Finally, he can breathe. There's anger beneath the worry, but he knows there's a good chance that Sirius won't get it <em>right now<em>. It's been filed away under _Things We Can Talk About When Sirius Isn't Out Of It._

He's been all over the city, taking the bus and el back and forth, thinking of new spots to check and doubling back. There will be hell to pay tomorrow. He can feel the beginnings of a migraine aching dully behind his eyes. If he's lucky, there won't be any flareups to contend with.

He tucks all of it away because Sirius is there. With one shoulder propped against a brick building, he laughs and gestures before sticking a cigarette between his lips. There are a handful of people there with him, looking worn down and out, taking everything in with glassy eyes.

Sirius has pulled his hair back into a low ponytail, looking no worse for wear despite his dirty clothes and unwashed state. When he sees Remus, who is standing across the street, fidgeting while he waits to cross, a smile lights up his face. Remus feels that smile all the way to his toes. Muttering a curse under his breath, he makes a dash across the street, dodging cars that lay on the horn, drivers who give him the finger and curse at his out their windows, throwing up his own finger in response.

Sirius says a few words to whoever he's standing with and starts forward to meet him at the curb. He tosses the cigarette aside, needing both hands free to reach for the lapels of Remus' coat. Remus allows Sirius to tug him closer, feels his lips brush along his jaw, and it makes him sigh and close his eyes out of sheer relief because Sirius is _right there and he's okay._

"You saved me a trip," Sirius breathes, still clutching at Remus' coat as if he'll float away if he lets go.

"Did I?"

"I was going to head to your place."

"Bring your friends along?" Remus asks, gesturing to the group still huddled nearby.

"Nah, they're on their way to something."

Remus just nods and Sirius bumps his shoulder.

"Missed you."

Remus smiles a little at his eagerness. Then it's his turn to take Sirius by the hand, anchoring him before he can get any ideas about floating away.

"Missed you, too."

* * *

><p>The next week and a half finds Sirius brimming with fevered energy. He begins showing up at odd hours because he's bored at home, or has a song that they have to hear <em>now<em>. He has ideas, so many of them that he has to write them down then list them in order of importance.

He tells them all to Lily and Mary, who are curled up together on the couch, watching Doctor Who re-runs and eating popcorn. Mary looks a little worried, asking Lily under her breath if he's okay. Lily doesn't answer directly, not having one to give. Instead, she puts the popcorn bowl on the coffee table and joins Sirius in the kitchen, pulling up a chair next to his so she can listen to him talk about his plans to leave school and backpack through Europe. It'll never happen, but she nods along and asks which countries he wants to see most.

Sirius visits James at three in the morning so they can sit on his roof and look at the stars, passing a cigarette back and forth. It doesn't escape James' notice that Sirius is more talkative than usual. He tells stories from when they were in grade school together, gesturing grandly with the hand holding a cigarette. He seems happy, but intensely so, in a way that can't last forever.

The break comes on the tenth day.

Remus comes home from classes and finds Sirius in his bed. His back is to him with the blankets pulled up, nearly over his head.

"Sirius," Remus says quietly, not wanting to startle him.

He comes around the side of the bed, placing a hand on Sirius' head. Gray eyes open slowly, looking up at Remus and then closing on a quiet, nearly silent sigh.

"I can't," Sirius shakes his head, clears his throat. He radiates shame.

"I can't get up right now."

Remus considers this. He drops his hand from Sirius' head so he can shrug off his coat. He toes off his shoes, pulls his shirt over his head, adds them to the pile Sirius left at the end of the bed.

"I could use a nap. You?"

Sirius nods a little, otherwise unmoving. Remus gets into bed and under the covers. He drapes an arm over Sirius' waist, places a quick kiss at the nape of his neck.

_The king has toppled off his throne._


	2. A better daughter

**A/n **You can find a playlist for this chapter (it's Lily-centric, and totally plays into the mood as I was writing) and other updates for this fic on my tumblr. My url is the same as my penname on here, and there's even a Coming Down tag so you can find things easier.

So, as far as warnings go, there's some swearing, dark humor, a cancer mention (and later depictions of it) and two mentions/instances of sex. They aren't too explicit, but let me know if I need to warn ya'll better when that stuff comes up.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>7 years earlier<strong>

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><p><em>When Lily was fifteen, a new boy moved into the neighborhood.<em>

_The moving van rumbled by on the coldest day of the year, stopping in front of the house that used to belong to the Spencer's before they divorced and moved to separate sides of the city to get away from each other. She watched from her bedroom window as another car pulled up behind the van. A woman got out of the van, pulling her coat tightly around her thin body in an effort to shield it from the biting cold. The car door opened next and a boy with light hair got out, smiling and patting his mom's arm as they stepped carefully onto the snow-covered sidewalk._

_She watched for a few minutes, thinking things over as mother and son struggled to drag the heaviest furniture inside. Making up her mind, she grabbed her coat from the hall closet and began jamming her feet into Petunia's old boots._

_"Where are you going?"_

_Petunia, two years her senior and obnoxious about it, was sitting at their rickety kitchen table, flipping through a magazine. Lily knew that she was waiting for her boyfriend to call, like she did every Friday night, so they could make plans for Saturday, when Petunia was supposed to be hanging around with Lily until their mother's shift at the nursing home was over. Instead, she ditched Lily around dinnertime so she could suck face with the most boring prep school boy in the history of the world. _

_"Out," Lily said, simply. Seized with inspiration, she grabbed the brownies cooling on the oven and made her escape before Petunia could chase her down and take them back._

_She trudged through the snow, cursing quietly as her breath puffed out in great clouds before her. When she finally came to stand in front of the old Spencer house, her stomach twisted with nerves. Sometimes she got that way around strangers. People were unpredictable and it had made her cautious. Cautious, but never a coward. _

_Scolding herself, Lily took to the broken down steps, dodging the middle one that looked like it could give away at any time. She squared her shoulders and raised a fist. Tucking the brownie pan under her arm, she hammered on the door until it was thrown open by the boy she had seen earlier. He raised an eyebrow when he saw her, not bothering to mask his surprise that such a loud sound could come from such a scrawny redhead. _

_"I'm Lily Evans," she said quickly. When he just stared at her, she thrust the brownies toward him._

_"Can I come in? My mom wanted me to bring these over. Welcome to the neighborhood kind of thing."_

_"Sure, yeah, come in."_

_He took a few steps back, giving her room to move inside, where it was at least a little warmer than standing on the porch. _

_"The heat hasn't been turned on, yet, so you'll want to keep your shoes and coat on."_

_Lily nodded, following him through the drafty house until they reached the kitchen. The woman who had driven the van was standing with her back to them, unpacking a box of mismatched dishes. _

_"Mom, there's a girl here-"_

_The woman set down the dish she was holding and turned, a little startled, but quick to smile. She was pretty, Lily thought, with light hair and eyes that matched her smile; bright, open. Trustworthy. Lily shook herself, blushing a little as she held up the pan of brownies and then set it on the counter between the boy and his mother._

_"Lily Evans," Lily filled in for him. _

_"My mom is at work now, but she wanted me to stop over."_

_"That's very nice of you, Lily Evans," the woman said._

_"My name is Hope, and this," she said, taking hold of the boy's shoulder, "is Remus. We're still getting things sorted here, but if you'd like, I can make cocoa. You can keep us company while we unpack."_

_"I have to get back. My sister is making dinner, but thanks."_

_"Another time, maybe. Remus, would you walk Lily out? Then we can get started on your bedroom."_

_"Sure."_

_"It was nice to meet you, Lily. Thank you for bringing these over."_

_Lily nodded in return and followed Remus as they made their way to the front door, where Lily lingered._

_"Listen, I have a deal for you."_

_This time, both eyebrows raised nearly to his hairline. _

_"What-"_

_"The neighborhood boys are going to eat you alive. I'll keep them off your back if you let me hang out here, sometimes."_

_"I can take care of myself."_

_"You're kind of scrawny," he opened his mouth to argue, so she rushed out the next part, "They're big, and mean. But I can call them off. No one else will do that for you."_

_"Why do you want to hang out here, anyway? You live right down the street."_

_"I used to do Joey Spencer's math, and he'd let me come over."_

_"Yeah, but why? I'm not Joey Spencer, and you don't even know me." He sounded a little baffled, and guarded, and she had to bite back her annoyance._

_"Look, my dad alternates weekend shifts. I don't want to be around when he's off and him and my mom do it all the time, okay?"_

_"Ew," Remus winced, laughing a little._

_"Yeah, exactly. Enjoy the brownies. I'll see you at school."_

_"Sure, see you."_

* * *

><p><em>Opportunity knocked two weeks later while they were at school. <em>

_Lily was standing around with her friends, talking about whether or not going to the winter dance would be the definition of boring, or if it was worth going with one of the older guys and making them sweat, when she saw the pack of boys descend on Remus. She excused herself from the conversation with a fake smile, booking it across the lot, determined to get there before things unraveled. _

_Remus' first mistake was that he appeared completely unafraid. He was sitting on a picnic table by himself, finishing his lunch, and looking at the group of boys like they were something he found on the bottom of his shoe. Lily had been right when she said he was a little scrawny, not tragically so, just to the point where there was no hope for him to take on Flint and his merry band of thugs. _

_His second mistake was in not taking the beating. Everyone knew the program; get a thorough beating out of the way, and then they'd go after another new kid, or only hassle you every once in awhile. But if you didn't, you were in for a world of hurt. Which Remus clearly didn't get. _

_Flint said something, she couldn't hear what as she was still running and a little out of breath, but it was probably nasty, and Remus wasn't laughing as one of Flint's flunkies stepped forward and knocked the sandwich out of his hand so it fell into the snow. The others laughed and another boy stepped in, bringing his boot down to smash the bread under his heel._

_"What'd you say? What did this worm say to me?" _

_Lily skidded to a stop, going unnoticed by Flint, who was snarling with his giant yellow teeth in the face on an unimpressed Remus Lupin._

_"I said," Remus bit out, raising his voice, so even the people around them heard, "You're a fucking joke."_

_One of the bigger boys, Goyle, lifted Remus clear off his feet, which meant it was time for Lily to make her entrance. She strode up to Goyle's brother, who hardly paid her any mind until Lily reared back and punched him in his crooked nose. Her knuckles burned from the impact, but she swallowed the yelp of pain, looking at Flint and ignoring the bleeding boy who was whining in pain as he clutched his bleeding nose._

_"Fucking ow!"_

_"Evans, what the hell?"_

_"Keep your hands off Lupin if you want to keep them. He's good friends with Violet, and if she hears you're giving him a hard time, she's not going to be too happy."_

_Lily wasn't afraid of using her older cousin to get a little respect from the neighborhood boys. They were mean, but her cousin was meaner, if need be. She was supposed to be a senior, like the boys, but she was currently finishing up her second stay in juvie for a fight that got a little out of hand. _

_"Violet knows this worm?"_

_"They have the same probation officer, so they made friends. You know she's getting out of juvie next month," Lily said conversationally. _

_"She likes you and all, Flint, but if you mess with him, she'll-"_

_"Shit, I get it. Let the worm go," Flint looked at Remus, assessing him as he was dropped into the snow. Remus swore under his breath and got to his feet, not taking his eyes off the other boy. _

_"Fine. That's just fine. Stay out of our way, Lupin, or we'll have a problem."_

_The boys moved on quickly, heading across the lot to the dumpsters where they could smoke in peace. Satisfied, Lily looked back to Remus, who was shaking his head and smiling a little, like she was the funniest thing he'd seen in awhile._

_"You're welcome," Lily said, bumping his shoulder with hers._

_"Yeah, okay, thanks. Now, tell me who the hell Violet is."_

* * *

><p><em>"Lily, what-"<em>

_"I'm calling in my favor."_

_Lily climbed through Remus' bedroom window, careful to be quiet and avoid waking Hope. She set her bag on his desk and tossed her coat over the back of the chair._

_"I'll be quiet, like I'm not even here. You do your thing, and I'll be out of your hair by midnight."_

_Remus took a seat at the edge of his bed, rubbing his hands over the thighs of his jeans, like he was working on saying something. He was shaking his head, his gaze flicking between her and the desk, where she'd deposited her things._

_"I want to know why you want to be here so-"_

_"Look, I saved you from massive pain from Flint and his guys. That should be enough for you to let me just sit here and do my geometry. Besides, I told you why. My parents-"_

_"__Not good enough. You were definitely lying."_

_Lily felt deflated and angry that she'd gone out of her way for him, only to lose out on a place to crash. She thought it had been set. After that day with Flint, they'd been friendly at school. He'd sat with her and her friends a few times, and she'd meet up with him after soccer practice to hang out at the park and talk about nothing. _

_She was angry that he even seemed kind of decent, like someone she didn't mind doing nothing with, and now this. All in all, she was even angrier that she felt like crying._

_"Fuck you, Lupin."_

_She grabbed her coat, clutched her backpack, and bolted for the window, all in a matter of seconds. No way she was sticking around to cry all over, giving him something to hold over her. _

_"Hey-"_

_"Touch me, and I'll break your nose."_

_He held both hands up, taking a cautious step back. She was crying for real, and rolled her eyes as she wiped her nose on her sleeve. She shrugged on her coat, movements jerky as she fumbled with the zipper. _

_"I appreciate what you did with Flint," Remus said softly, "eve__n though I'm not scrawny."_

_That made her lips twitch, and Remus smiled, too, looking a little relieved._

_"I just...why do you want to be here so badly?"_

_"What's it to you?" _

_"I like you. We've been hanging out," he shrugged, "I want to know the real reason you're here now, and you used to come here."_

_Lily wandered over and sat next to him. She dropped her bag and made eye contact with the carpeting. _

_"My dad's miserable to be around. My mom takes off to stay with my grandma when she's not working," Lily smiled a little when she looked up at Remus, who was watching her carefully. "But my grandma's an asshole, so I don't go. My sister disappears with her boyfriend all the time. I used to go to a few different places, but this place was nearby and Joey didn't care."_

_She couldn't explain it to anyone, not out of stubbornness, but because she didn't totally get it, either, but there was something lonely about her house. Her dad operated on two modes: drunk, or irritable while waiting to get his hands on another drink. He opted to spend most of his nights sprawled on the couch with the TV on. That way he could get all mad when the house tried to carry on around him, stomping around and yelling until he ran out of steam. She knew she wasn't the only one in the neighborhood, or in school, with a drunk for a dad. But it still made her house confusing and lonely, and sometimes it just felt better to be in someone else's house, where she didn't feel so claustrophobic. _

_Remus nodded thoughtfully, smiling a little when he caught her looking at him, checking his face for any sign that she'd be better off heading back out the window._

_"I think I can pick up the torch for Joey."_

_"Good. He was boring, and his room smelled like feet."_

_Remus laughed, and she felt okay joining in. _

* * *

><p><strong>Present day<strong>

* * *

><p>There's something uniquely surreal about sitting at Petunia Dursley's kitchen table. Lily watches her sister breeze through, grabbing Vernon's lunch from the fridge and then handing it off with a smile, and a kiss on the cheek for her husband. Vernon nods briskly in Lily's direction, and because she'll never quite forgive him for taking her sister away, leaving her alone with her mom and dad and their dysfuntion, she offers a jaunty, mocking salute that makes his face color before he hurries out the door in a bluster.<p>

Petunia frowns in Lily's direction, sighing as she grabs her cup of coffee and brings it to the table. She doesn't offer Lily a cup, and Lily doesn't ask for one. It's rare that Lily gets an invite to the Dursley home, so she knows something's wrong, and her sister certainly isn't going to waste time with coffee and catching up.

Lily is picking at the loose string attached to her sleeve when Petunia takes the dive.

"Daddy has cancer."

"Wow, okay," Lily blurts, looking up to find Petunia studying the contents of her cup like it's the most fascinating thing she's ever seen.

"Is that all you have to say?"

Lily thinks it over and nods, deciding that pretty much covers it. Petunia sniffs with a disgusted look.

"He's getting worse by the day. Vernon looked into things and there's enough money that a nurse can go in during the week to check on him for a few hours."

_This is where the other shoe drops_, Lily thinks, priding herself on being ready for the rest of the fallout.

"But you'll need to go in on the weekends. Make sure he takes his medicine and eats something."

"How long does he have?"

Petunia sucks in a breath, like it's unthinkable that she'd ask. Like _that_ is the unthinkable part of this situation, and not the fact that they're being forced to insert themselves back into their father's life after years of running in the opposite direction.

"I wouldn't know, I'm not a doctor."

"Okay."

Petunia begins drumming her fingers on the table. Lily can hardly look at her, but she knows her sister is running out of patience.

"Will you stop over at the house on weekends or not?"

"Yeah, sure. You got it," Lily says, and anyone listening would know that she's pissed, so she pushes back from the table, grabs her backpack from the floor and swings it over her shoulders. She doesn't look at Petunia as she bolts for the back door.

"Lily, wait," Petunia's right next to her, slowing as she approaches, like Lily's a feral creature that's mistakenly wandered into her tidy life.

Lily stops with her hand on the door, and her breath catches when Petunia's hand comes up to swipe a red tendril off her cheek, tucking it behind Lily's ear in her brisk way. In the next instant, she's backing away, holding out her hand without really looking at Lily anymore.

"You forgot your hat."

Lily snatches it out of Petunia's hand, muttering her thanks, and practically throws open the door to get outside. When she gets to the corner, she lets the bus rumble away without her. She takes the long way home and if she cries, there's no one there who knows her to see.

* * *

><p>It takes a little over an hour for her to find her way back to the apartment. She's on autopilot, locating her keys and heading inside while her mind is miles away. She brings herself back by mentally going over what she needs; work uniform, change of clothes, something to sleep in, and so on. The list is on repeat in her mind until she happens upon Remus and Sirius in the hall, mid-blow job.<p>

Sirius is on his knees in front of Remus, long fingers curled around Remus' denim clad thighs. Sirius hums something and Remus' mouth falls open, wordlessly, as both his hands plunge into Sirius's shaggy hair. gripping it tightly. His look of bliss is shattered when he hears Lily approach and nearly falls over, startled and trying to get his dick back in his pants at the same time.

"Fuck!"

"Lily!"

"Don't stop on my account," Lily throws an obligatory hand over her eyes as she makes for her bedroom, "I've got work, just need my uniform."

She rushes away from them, heading into her room where she drops her hand from her eyes and manages to huff out a laugh. A few moments later, Remus is standing in her doorway, flushed and tugging his sweater down so it covers the obvious bulge in his jeans.

"Are you coming home tonight?"

"Nope, work and then Mary's."

Remus takes a step inside, ducking his head to check out her expression.

"You okay?"

Lily takes a deep breath, lets it out, so she can smile at Remus like everything's okay. She'll tell him eventually, but not now. Right now, she needs to find her work pants and get on with it, or she'll be late. If she tells him now, she might cry again, and she doesn't know when she'll stop.

"Sure. Weird morning. I'll tell you about it tomorrow."

"Alright. Tomorrow, then."

He watches her scramble around to find her work stuff, then lifts a hand to rub at the back of his neck, clearing his throat and wincing.

"Sorry about that. Um, in the hall."

"No worries. I've seen worse," Lily smirks at him as she finds her hat under her bead and tosses it in her bag.

Remus rolls his eyes and comes to stand next to her, nudging her shoulder with his. Lily halts her packing efforts and he throws an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close so he can kiss the top of her head.

"Text me if you need anything."

There's a sudden, annoying lump in her throat, so Lily just nods. She has the urge to burrow into his sweater, because she knows he'd spend the rest of the night like this, holding onto her, if she needed him to. But she isn't fifteen anymore, and as much as she loves him, there are things Lily has to deal with without Remus Lupin.

Like getting to work in one piece, or risk getting fired.

"Will do. You two enjoy your night."

"I think we're off to a good start," Remus says dryly.

"Good. If you don't have sex on every surface of the apartment, I'll be very disappointed in you."

Sirius is still in the hall, slumped against the wall, waiting for Remus to return so they can get back to it, when Lily emerges to head for the door. She gives them a wave, jams a headphone in each ear, and steps back out into the world to get on with her day.

* * *

><p>The Wicked Brew is teeming with back to school customers. Students talk and type on their phones while they wait in line for the best coffee near campus. During the summer, it's quieter, falling into a normal rhythm that's shattered once rushes begin and end according to fall class schedules.<p>

Lily enjoys diving headfirst into her work, which isn't usually the case, but today it's a welcome distraction. If she focuses enough on impatient customers and banter with coworkers, she can almost pretend that she's not thinking about her father.

Almost.

"Can I help you?"

As soon as the words are out, Lily recognizes him. She thought there was something familiar about him, the glasses, maybe, and it comes back to her. Last time she saw him, they were standing together outside, forming a search party for his best friend.

"Potter, right? James?"

"Right. Small world."

"The smallest. What are you having?"

She handles the transaction, not missing the bills he stuffs into the tip jar when he thinks she isn't looking, and she's surprised to find him lingering after he gets his drink.

"Something wrong?"

"No, I was thinking, if you have a break coming up, ah, maybe we could talk?"

"In about an hour, if you want to come back."

An hour later, she clocks out, taking the biggest cup of coffee imaginable outside where James Potter is sitting at one of the tables. He smiles when he sees her and gets to his feet, which makes her raise her eyebrows because she's tired and she skipped her morning shower, so it's a little eager, and kind of funny, considering her exhaustion and bedhead.

They make idle small talk, covering the weather and how busy Wicked Brew is, before he gets down to it.

"I'd like you and Remus to come over for dinner."

He looks relaxed as he says it, fingers tapping out an absent beat on the table, but the rushed way he says it makes Lily think he's a little nervous.

"When?"

"That easy?"

"Well, considering your best friend has been dating my best friend for a few months, I don't think it's too weird that you'd ask."

"That," James agreed, "and I'd like to get to know you two outside of forming a search team for Sirius' unreliable ass."

"Totally reasonable. Plus, he talks about you so much, it's like you're this stranger who I know too much and little about, all at once."

"What else do you want to know? I can fill in the gaps."

James laughs, and it's a nice sound, like there isn't all that much of interest to know about him. Lily seriously doubts that, given what she's heard from Sirius, but her first question is safe, nonetheless.

"Major?"

"Pre-law. You?"

Lily shrugs, smiling shrewdly, even though, somewhere, the question stings.

"Full-time dropout."

James cringes and she waves away his worry before he can make it awkward.

"It's fine. I was on my way into the nursing program, but it wasn't meant to be."

"Do you...miss it? School, and everything?"

Lily thinks it over, realizing that she misses normalcy. School was normal. There was a routine, Remus and her other friends were there. She was able to see Mary at lunch breaks and between classes. Leaving school and devoting more time to figuring out everything Bipolar disorder's thrown off balance hasn't been easy, and it isn't _normal, _not by a long shot.

But that's too much for a casual chat, so it's tucked away, along with a million other things.

"Sometimes, parts of it. It's not something I think I'll ever go back to, but it's okay. What made you wander down the pre-law route?"

He shakes his head, fiddling with his now empty cup. He glances up at her, and she can see the ghost of a grin teasing his lips.

"Don't make me say it."

"Now you have to."

"I want to make a difference-"

He grins when Lily's laugh effectively cuts him off. She can't help it. She lets her head fall back and tucks her arms over her stomach because she knows what he's going to say before he gets it out. She's heard it a million times from drunk rich boys at parties, and sees the same type every day at work.

Make a difference, as far as she's concerned, usually translates into, _wants to make a pile of cash and sound like a do-gooder._

"Alright, alright. I know, it's cliche and stupid. But I want to take a shot at it."

"Fair enough, I guess."

Lily considers him over her cup before taking a sip. She makes her decision, mostly judging that he can't be too much of an asshole if he can laugh at himself, and goes with it.

"I think I'll interrogate you more, later. I'm glad you hijacked my break, by the way."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

As she stands, tossing her empty cup and preparing to get the rest of her shift over, she can't help but add, "I hope you have some quality liquor at this dinner, rich boy."

"I'll raid my parents' liquor stash beforehand, just for you."

"All I'm asking. See you later, Potter."

"Bye, Evans."

* * *

><p>Lily clocks out from work and then it's time to head across town once more for Mary's apartment. The Macdonald's want their eldest daughter to live in comfort and style, which means Mary's miles away from the beloved shithole Lily shares with Remus. There's a doorman who lets her into the polished lobby and Lily can't help but roll her eyes a little at it all.<p>

As she waits for the elevator, she checks her reflection in the doors. Her hair's kind of a lost cause, but she does what she can, trying to tame it into something less monstrous. She looks as tired as she feels, but there's not too much she can do to fix that now. By the time the elevator arrives, she couldn't care less about any of it. She's tired thanks to the day from hell, and is just really looking forward to dinner and down time.

It completely throws her off when Mary's door swings open, and a middle aged couple that Lily recognizes from pictures on Mary's fridge are standing there, all smiles.

"You must be Lily," the woman says, taking her in from head to toe. She looks friendly enough, with Mary's eyes and a wide smile.

The man next to her has the same expression, like they've made up their minds to be cheerful, and nothing's going to throw them off course. Lily smiles as they introduce themselves, and then her eyes are darting around the apartment for any sign of Mary. It takes a few seconds, but she comes darting out of the kitchen, tossing a pair of oven mitts aside as she rushes in to kiss Lily's cheek.

Lily wants to hold on to her arms, keep her locked in place so she can spend the rest of the night standing there kissing her, smelling traces of perfume and laundry soap on the dress she's wearing. Instead, they pull away with Mary tucking her hand into Lily's.

"Mom and dad decided to drop in, isn't that great?"

Mary shoots her a quick look of apology, and Lily manages another smile, less wobbly now that she's got an ally.

"Yeah, definitely."

"We've heard a lot about you, Lily."

"We had some business in the city and wanted to drop in."

It's a nightmare having to be around functioning families. Lily imagines this is the case for other former children of weird homes, where people aren't so _cheerful _and dinner is spent seeing who can eat the fastest and escape back up to their room, rather than talking, sharing memories, and _laughing_. Lily feels out of her depth, and so, so tired from her day that it's even harder to participate. _  
><em>

But she does. Mary holds her hand under the table and Lily feels marginally better, until Mary's mom, _call me Helen, _says brightly, "I know you two will have a great deal of fun in New York. What a wonderful city."

"Once you get settled in, we'll show you the sights."

Lily doesn't hear the rest. Bill and Helen continue chatting with their matching excited smiles, while Lily looks at Mary for some clue about what the actual hell they're talking about. She recognizes the first sign of trouble when Mary doesn't look at her right away. She stares down at her dinner plate like maybe the floor will swallow her up before she has to glance up and face Lily's confusion.

"Mom," Mary says carefully, "I was waiting to surprise Lily with the news."

Helen pats Lily's hand, casting an apologetic look at her husband.

"I'm so sorry, honey. Bill?"

"You two have a lot of plans to make. We're going to head back to the hotel for the night."

There's hugging, many _nice to meet you's, _and then Lily and Mary are alone, staring at one another across the room.

"New York?" It's the only thing Lily can think to say, and it weighs heavily on her chest.

Mary twists her hands together in front of her, clamping down on her lower lip, as well. Lily can see the wheels turning as Mary thinks about how they're going to have this conversation.

"I applied for a job a few months ago. I never thought..." she shrugs one shoulder.

"I got it, Lily. They're paying for me to move, and...come with me."

She can see herself in New York with Mary, put up in some apartment that costs more than she'll ever make. When Lily imagines it, it's as easy as packing up everything she owns and trading one coffee shop for another. She'd get another job, maybe even venture out and explore someplace new that doesn't remind her of the last twenty two years of her life.

And then she blinks and she's in Petunia's kitchen, hearing _Cancer_ on an endless loop. New York might as well be the moon, and the reality of that crashes down on her all at once. Before she can regret it, she's across the room, taking Mary's hands in hers, untwisting them, smoothing them out because Mary has nothing to be worried about, she doesn't want her to worry because she deserves the absolute best send off.

She touches her forehead to Mary's, closes her eyes as she drags in a shuddering breath.

"I can't."

* * *

><p>By the time Lily makes it back to her apartment, it's a little after three in the morning. She considers bypassing everything in favor of crawling into bed and hiding under the covers for a few days, at least. But she can't. When she grabs her shirtfront, bringing it to her nose for a sniff, she smells Mary's perfume and their mingled sweat.<p>

There were a million ways they could have said goodbye. Lily couldn't stomach the thought of pretending everything was okay for another few weeks until she was forced to endure a painful goodbye in an airport terminal. So, they said it tonight.

They'd fallen into bed, making a mess of the neatly folded covers that tangled around their legs. She remembers Mary's shaking hands as they undid the button of Lily's jeans and tugged on the zipper. They fumbled through the half-darkness, tugging on clothes and tossing them in any direction, as long as they were _off._

When Lily would have said, _I know it's over, but I could have loved you_, Mary's fingers slid into the front of her underwear, expertly moving between Lily's thighs so the words tumbled right out of her head, away from her mouth, as both her hands clutched desperately at the sheets.

Lily pulls her shirt off, first, tossing it in the general direction of the trash can as she makes her way into the bathroom. She'll get it in the morning, or whenever she makes the executive decision to remove herself from bed. Her jeans and underwear go next, and then she wrenches the shower curtain open, shaking a little as she turns the hot water on full blast.

Nearly an hour goes by before she gets out. Her skin is pink from being scrubbed and she walks into the hall, naked, having forgotten her towel. She snags one from the hall closet and continues into her bedroom, wiping down from head to toe so she can pull on sweatpants and a shirt to sleep in. She considers toughing it out in bed, spending the remainder of her night staring at the ceiling, hoping her body will give in to sleep.

Instead, she towel dries her hair and wanders down the hall to Remus' room. The door is open, so she pokes her head in, checking for any signs of Sirius, including, but not limited to, a second pile of clothes next to bed, a Sirius-shaped lump next to Remus', or some late night sex that she doesn't need to see.

There's no sign of Sirius, only the deep, even sounds of Remus' breathing. Lily hesitates in the doorway, trying to talk herself out of it because she's a big girl, and her day was totally shit, but she's had worse, right? Her feet move on their own, carrying her across the bedroom, until she's sitting on the edge of the bed, pressing a fist against her mouth to smother the sob rising up in her throat.

"Lily?" Remus says softly, throwing his blankets aside and sitting up before he's fully awake.

"What happened?"

He scoots next to her so he can put an arm around her shoulder, clumsily bringing her close so he can then hold her at arms length to see if the cause of her misery is external.

"Fuck," Lily scrubs both hands over her face, crying harder when Remus adjusts them so he can wrap both arms around her, holding her tightly because he knows she'll rarely ask, even when she really needs it.

"My dad," she says, once she can speak without sounding watery, "the asshole has cancer."

"Shit."

"Yeah," Lily laughs a little because that's about the size of it.

"And I'm going to start going over to make sure he does what the doctor tells him, because, apparently, I'm a total moron."

By now they're sharing a pillow, blankets pulled up over their legs and arms to fight off the late-night chill. Remus has one arm behind his head, propping him up as he looks over at Lily knowingly. He won't say it, because he knows it would hurt her to think about, but they both know she's going to look out for her father out of a sense of responsibility, and because a small part of her can still love him, even after being such a spectacular failure as a parent.

"I'm sure, between now and then, we can come up with some revenge scenarios to get you through it."

"Selling his pain meds," Lily starts, because it helps to be a little insensitive, rather than thinking too deeply about the failed relationship.

"Getting a padlock for the liquor cabinet."

"Good one. Turning on one of those televangelist stations and hiding the remote."

"You deviant," Remus says lightly. Inspiration strikes and his grin is so huge that Lily can't help but return the look.

"I can bring Sirius over so he can give me rowdy blow jobs all over the house."

"That would absolutely horrify my father."

"Good. I'll take it up with him tomorrow. I'm sure he'd be into it."

Lily pulls the blankets over her face as she laughs. She can hear Remus join in, and feels it shake through him until they're playfully shoving at one another and laughing harder because they have an endless list of awful payback in mind, and they haven't even scratched the surface.

She feels a little calmer when their laughter dies out and they settle back in for sleep.

The world's still a mess, but she's got time to wade through it. She sleeps deeply, tethered to the better things in her life with Remus by her side.

* * *

><p><strong>An **This chapter was rough on Lily, which definitely wasn't the plan until I needed to move some plot points around. There are rough times ahead for everyone, but they're also going to keep their sense of humor and rely on each other to get through it. We'll be okay.


	3. Sick

A/n This chapter is going to help move things along, and I really wanted to reveal more about Lily and how she got to where she is now. Thanks for reading and taking the time to review. It helps when motivation is low!

* * *

><p><em>One month later<em>  
>October<p>

* * *

><p>Lily's fresh from the shower when her cell chirps from her bed. She whips off her towel to run it over her hair and picks up the device, smiling at the message.<p>

_Pre-law: dinner tomorrow night for real this time_

**Evans: you're all talk, dude.**

_Pre-law: drag r&s over. 7 okay?_

**Evans: sure, unless u wanna cancel *again***

_Pre-law: I'm srry my schedule is bullshit & I've cancelled twice. better?_

**Evans: it's a start.**

_Pre-law: looking forward to u raking me over the coals some more in person_

She drops the phone and huffs out a laugh.

"Everything okay?" Remus calls from the living room. He's sprawled out in front of the flickering TV, accessorized with several heating pads to target the worst of the pain. His flareups are guaranteed to worsen with the change of the seasons. As the cold moves in, early every morning is a struggle to get out of bed. It's been that way since their late teens, when his body declared war on his joints. Now, after class or work, he comes home and drags out the heating pads they have on hand, or finds something cold to put on his protesting joints.

He looks pretty mellow, with Sirius holding his feet in his lap, playing absently with Remus' socked toes, but she can see a little bit of worry in his expression because it's been a long month, between Mary leaving and her dad rocketing back into her life with the C word.

But she's doing better. She's handling it all, and maybe thriving, feeling steady and okay as Halloween approaches, giving her something to look forward to.

"Yeah. Apparently Potter's cleared his massive schedule so we can all have dinner at his place tomorrow."

Sirius is still playing with Remus' feet, but pauses to give Lily a very pointed look.

"You and James are _texting_?"

"Jealous?" Lily teases.

Sirius doesn't take the bait.

"You know what they say, first texting, then marriage."

Remus sits up, grabbing a fistful of Sirius' shirt so he can pull him close for a quick kiss. Sirius lingers, but Remus shoves him back, lightly, attempting to be decent and not make out all over the place with Lily still working through her weird breakup.

"Who says that, exactly?"

Sirius looks a little dazed from the kiss, but recovers quick enough.

"Everyone, Lupin. Absolutely everyone."

Lily rolls her eyes because now they're looking at each other with enough heat to set the entire apartment ablaze, the kind of looks that'll end in a blow job, or something equally weird for her to walk in on.

Lily clears her throat, and they snap out of it a little. Remus reclines back on the couch and Sirius goes back to playing with his toes, failing to hide his smirk.

"Can we put my impending marriage on hold and discuss what we're doing for dinner?"

"Sirius wants takeout," Remus says absently, "but I told him it was a no-go, since you and I are broke."

"We have rules, you see," Remus goes on, obviously enjoying the way Sirius's nose wrinkles, as if completely thrown off by their code. "We never order anything that we can't all afford."

"You make a compelling argument, but consider this, I have an American Express card that my parents pay off, so, really, it would be their treat."

Lily looks at Remus, who is on the verge of shooting the idea down just for the sake of riling his boyfriend, but Lily interjects because she's hungry and her pride doesn't extend to offers of free food.

"I say we let Mr. and Mrs. Black treat, just this once. We deserve nice things," Lily argues.

"Listen to Lily. Our beloved, heartbroken Lily, who's working through the shittiest breakup ever-" Lily snorts, reminding Sirius that she is still standing within hearing range, but he continues, undeterred.

"She deserves to drown her sorrows-"

"Hey, still right here!"

She grabs a pillow off the chair and chucks it at Sirius' head. He catches it with a grace that's almost annoying, and Lily wanders away to find pants, leaving them to figure out the food argument.

* * *

><p>They end up with enough takeout to feed an army.<p>

Lily gets a glob of sauce on her shirt, but it's no great tragedy, considering the shirt's dubious cleanliness to begin with. She's sitting on the kitchen counter, contemplating another egg roll, when Sirius comes into the kitchen for a soda refill. Lily watches him out of the corner her eye, glad to see that he looks better than he did after his return from the great disappearance. She knows what it's like to become trapped in the fallout of mania, when the dizzying high leaves you, and you suddenly find yourself unable to function.

Sirius looks like he's pulling through; not quite out of the woods, but getting there. And she's glad.

"How's your new doctor?"

"Hmm?" He takes a swig of his drink, looking puzzled, before his features re-arrange themselves into a smile.

"Yeah, right, he's good. Adjusted my meds. Feeling a little more even."

Lily grabs his cup before he can take another sip, raises it in a silent toast to their well-being, and takes a generous swallow before handing it back.

* * *

><p><strong>Four years earlier<strong>

_Remus waited at the front of the school, situated between the stoners who were congregated for their morning high, and the dumpster that provided enough of a barrier for them not to get caught. He alternated between fidgeting to ward of the cold, and scanning the crowd for the telltale flash of scarlet hair. He remained at his post through the first bell, and then the second, frowning as he made his way to first period, where he was immediately scowled at for his tardiness. _

_"Thought you were ditching today."_

_Remus fell into the chair next to Alice Miller and shrugged, glancing over his shoulder so he could check out the window, just in case. _

_"Not when there's a final."_

_Alice nodded absently, going back to surreptitiously texting her boyfriend under the cover of her desk. When she finished typing, she slid her phone into the pocket of her jeans and snapped her gum in his direction._

_"Where's Lily? You two are always ditching together."_

_"Alright, everyone. In your seats. Prewett! Unless that phone's become an extension of you hand, put it away or it's mine. Phones away, pencils out. You have the next hour and a half to complete your final…"_

_Mrs. McGonagall eyed the students meaningfully and they returned to their seats. Remus accepted his booklet but looked out the window one last time, just in case. _

* * *

><p><em>Remus didn't see Lily for another four days. He stopped over after school which resulted in a quick, awkward conversation with her mom, who only had a vague idea of who he was, even though they'd met a handful of times and he spent the majority of his free time with her daughter. <em>

_He stopped by before school, catching Petunia on her way out and in a less than helpful mood. She'd never liked him, mostly because she knew he would sneak in and Lily would sneak out to meet him, but she was never able to get her parents to care enough to punish her for it. _

_"She hasn't been around school, or answered her phone. Did it get shut off?"_

_"No. She just runs in and out of the house whenever she wants."_

_Remus kept pace with her as she marched down the block to the bus stop, and nearly flew into her back when she stopped suddenly, her features pinching in anger. _

_"What's it to you? If you're coming around, trying to get in her pants like Snape, don't waste your time. She doesn't like the over-eager ones."_

_Remus felt a spark of anger ignite in his gut. Petunia was always coming down on Lily, without fail, and usually he kept his mouth shut because she never said it outright, but he knew that Lily loved Petunia, even if they couldn't get along for more than two seconds at a time._

_"Don't talk about her that way."_

_Petunia sniffed, giving Remus a pitying look. _

_"Just this week, she's brought home three different people and fucked them, right under all our noses. Do yourself a favor, go moon over someone else."_

_On the fifth day, he skipped school. He knew she was out, not at home, but also not around. He checked the usual spots; 7-Eleven, the park, even the library. Nothing. _

_He wouldn't have been worried if it was like her to just take off, stop answering texts, and abandon all their usual haunts. Whenever they skipped, they skipped together. And they never did it around exam time._

_Lily and Remus weren't the best students, but they weren't awful, either. They'd fucked around a lot sophomore year and failed a few classes, but they'd come to the realization that the only shot at a way out was some college snapping them up. So they got better. They did their homework more, actually showed up for tests and exams. _

_And now, senior year, when they were still trying to make up for fucking up in the past, she did a disappearing act, missing exams, and tanking her grades as each day passed. _

_He tried to be cool about it, telling himself that she was alright, and she'd have a good reason, that she had to have a good reason for all this, but he was also worried that something was seriously wrong._

_Remus was on his way home from the park when his phone chimed innocently from his back pocket._

**party at Flint's. U coming? ?**

_By the time he got to Flint's shitty apartment, the party was well underway. He had to wade through bodies sprawled all over, drinking, dancing, kissing against every available surface. He turned down three joints and a handful of beers from various guys from the neighborhood. Under different circumstances he might have taken something, sat back to enjoy the shitty music and a decent high._

**R? ? r u here**

_Remus fumbled with his phone as Lily's second message flashed on the screen. He typed a quick reply, while looking around the room._

Yeah, where are you?

**I don't know :((((**

**Remus...not felings o good**

_"Shit."_

_"Hey! What crawled up your ass? Have a-"_

_He had never been so relieved to see Alice. She was draped over her boyfriend, her makeup already smudged from a night of fun, holding a beer out to him._

_"Alice, call this number, over and over, okay? Until I pick up."_

_Remus slapped his phone into Alice's hand and her expression sobered as she pressed the phone against her ear, nodding._

_Remus waded through the rest of the apartment. He stepped over empty cans and a few bodies that were bound to get tagged for falling asleep so early. When he got to the bathroom, he opened the door on a guy taking a dump and was quick to move down the hall to the master bedroom. _

_Empty. _

_The music was dimmer, the further he moved away from the living room, and his ears picked up on a faint chiming that he recognized. Overwhelmed with relief, he pushed the door to the second bedroom all the way open and found Lily sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed with a confused look on her face._

_There was a couple on the bed, oblivious to anyone else as they tore each other's clothes off and began going at it like they were the only ones in the room._

_Remus ignored the sounds coming from the couple and grabbed Lily's phone._

_"Alice, yeah, it's me. All set, thanks."_

_Remus dropped the phone as he came to crouch in front of Lily, reaching a hand out to squeeze her upper arm and grab her attention._

_"Hey, party girl."_

_Lily glanced up at him with glassy eyes before reaching out and gripping his shirt with a slow smile._

_"Is it really you?_

_"Yeah, of course. You ready to get out of here?"_

_"I don't think I can stand up," she said quietly, swaying a little as she tried to get on her knees. She closed her eyes and shook her head as if to clear it and Remus gripped both of her arms, helping her to her feet._

_She was missing a shoe but he gave up on finding it after a cursory look around. Things on the bed were really heating up, and he'd buy her a new pair of shoes if it meant they could get the hell out of there before it got noisier._

_He tucked an arm around her waist, shouldering most of her weight as they took a small step forward. One, then another, until they had made it out into the hall. Her head lolled to one side, and he could feel slow, warm puffs of air on his neck as her breathing deepened._

_"Lily?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Did you take anything, recently?"_

_"No. I just…it's been a few days? It's been a few days since I've slept."_

_"Tired?"_

_"Yeah," it came out on a sigh as they continued forward, making their way through the living room. He made his way back over to Alice, who frowned and got to her feet at the sight of Lily, who was wilting with each step._

_"Shit. Do you need help getting her home?"_

_Before Remus could manage a nod, Alice turned and thumped her hand lightly against her boyfriend's chest._

_"You have your keys?"_

_"Yeah," Frank Longbottom, who graduated the year before and now worked at the 7-Eleven, glanced at Remus and Lily and his forehead creased in concern._

_"Yeah, let's go."_

_It was tricky getting her down the stairs to the first floor, but once they did, Remus muttered, "Fuck it," and lifted Lily over his shoulder, allowing Frank to steady him as he adjusted his grip and held on tight._

_They walked the two blocks to Frank's car and Remus collapsed in the backseat with Lily, breathing heavily as he buckled both their seat belts and pulled her head against his chest._

_"Remus…"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I'm sorry."_

_He glanced down and watched as Lily squeezed both eyes shut, as if it might stop the flow of tears now soaking his shirt._

_"Hey, come on."_

_He didn't have anything to say beyond that, so he began smoothing a hand over her hair, babbling a little as he tried to bring her back up._

_When they got to the Lupin home, Remus thanked Frank and Alice, took a deep breath and hefted Lily over his shoulder once again so he could maneuver them inside, careful not to wake his mom._

* * *

><p><em>Remus woke up slowly, blinking in the near-darkness a few times before he sat up and looked around his bedroom. Lily had her back to him, standing at the window in a pair of his pajama bottoms and a borrowed sweatshirt. The window was cracked and she was leaning out a little as she finished a cigarette.<em>

_"Hey," Remus said quietly. _

_"How are you feeling?" _

_Lily flicked the butt out the window. He watched her inhale shakily as she pressed the heel of her hand against her wet eyes._

_"I don't know."_

_"What does that mean? You don't know how you're feeling?"_

_Lily spread her arms, crying harder._

_"I feel so empty."_

_Remus didn't know what to do with that, exactly. He couldn't ever remember her being this upset. They'd both had plenty of rough patches, but this felt different. Her disappearance and now the way she was crying, like she didn't even know it was happening, like she was so removed from her own body that her tears and the fatigue of being awake for nearly a week straight hadn't caught up to her yet._

_He didn't know what to do other than play it by ear._

_"Why don't we get some sleep?"_

_She fell into bed with a little sigh, curling up on her side, facing away from him. Eventually, a few hours before sunrise, her breathing evened out, signaling that she was finally asleep._

_Remus stared at her back, thinking things over and wondering how she'd feel when she woke up. _

_He didn't get much sleep that night. _

* * *

><p><em>Everything poured out of her over the next few days. They sat in his room, in the park, out by the dumpsters during lunch, and she told him about the high she'd floated on. <em>_Sometimes she couldn't find the words, so she'd hunch her shoulders, bite down firmly on her lip until they came to her._

_She still looked tired, a week after crashing. Her hair was perpetually up in a ponytail or bun, unwashed because the idea of showering was too exhausting for her to go through with. She wore the same sweater for three days and she gave up on makeup because it would stay on her face for the entire week, until she felt like getting out of bed to wash it off._

_She made it to school a few days a week, mostly dragging herself there and then sleeping between classes, during lunch, and on the bus ride home, with Remus there to shake her awake at their stop. _

_When she explained it to him, what led to taking off and coming down too hard, it seemed to have a lot to do with her not sleeping much to prep for exams. And then suddenly less sleep turned into no sleep and bouts of energy, where exams were the furthest thing from her mind. She went out, and time blurred together so she missed school, started hanging around some of the older dropouts who never missed an opportunity to get trashed._

_"I slept with Rosier," Lily admitted, dropping her head in her hands and shaking it._

_"And one of the Prewett's. There were others, but I don't remember a lot of it. I was just...so _on_, you know?"_

_He didn't know. He'd never felt all of that in his life, but he listened because it felt important. _

* * *

><p><em>Six months later, she walked out of a doctors office, flanked on either side by Alice and Remus, with a prescription and fresh diagnosis.<em>

_It was the first time any of them had heard of Bipolar disorder. They went back to Alice's house to steal her older brother's laptop and do some Googling. They were on their second article, seeing phrases like mortality rate and no known cure, and when Lily bolted, heading straight outside to get away from the feeling, suddenly, that her world was closing in on her._

* * *

><p><em>Present day<em>

* * *

><p>Lily spends ten minutes standing on the front porch of her childhood home before she actually makes it inside. She's been checking in on her dad for a month now, but she's still not used to how wildly different everything is.<p>

The smell of cigarette smoke hits her when she opens the door, but she's mostly used to that. It's the sight of her dad, sitting on the couch in his faded blue bathrobe with the TV turned up too loud, that still gets to her. He doesn't notice her entrance, missing the two seconds when her guard drops and her eyes take the entirety of him in with one sweeping look. She takes stock of how he's sitting, if he looks like he's having any pain, or anything else she should be looking for.

When she was growing up, he was a giant. She would tilt her head back, looking up, up, up as he would lumber into the kitchen for his breakfast. His broad shoulders and solid frame have been reduced to nothing. The bathrobe is hanging off of him, gaping at the arms and waist as he leans forward, making a grab for the remote so he can switch stations.

She's not sure if she'll ever get used to it.

"Jesus, Dave."

She doesn't expect him to hear the mumbled words, so she's surprised when he turns, looking completely unimpressed.

"Took you long enough today."

"If I knew you were rolling out the welcome mat, I would have rushed on over."

She doesn't wait for his reply because somethings never change, and she's still disinterested in making him feel like she cares about what he has to say. She bypasses the couch and heads into the kitchen, where there's a sink full of dishes and no trace of coffee. She grabs a beer from the fridge, instead, and pops it open so he has to watch her take a big sip.

"Those are mine."

Lily shrugs out of her coat, tossing it on another chair before dropping into the one furthest from her father and kicking her feet up on the coffee table.

"Did you bring dinner?"

"You're having leftovers. Spaghetti."

"And you're going to, what, feast on prime rib?"

"I'm going to have dinner with friends," Lily says slowly, letting it sink in.

"People I am not obligated to be around."

They don't talk after that. He takes his meds without looking at her. She heats up a plate, sets it in front of him on the coffee table, and blows out the door without looking back.

* * *

><p>When Lily, Sirius, and Remus get to James' that night for dinner, she nearly laughs. It's exactly what she expected because he still lives with his parents in a great neighborhood where the houses mostly look the same and each driveway has an expensive car parked there.<p>

Sirius walks through the front door like he owns the place, bringing Remus with him because their hands are loosely linked. Lily lingers on the front steps, takes one last look at the neighborhood and laughs as she steps inside and shuts the door behind her.

She's eyeing the plush furniture, the easy elegance of the trinkets and artwork that probably cost more money than she'll ever see in her life, when James bounds out of the kitchen. His shirtsleeves are rolled up a little sloppily and he shoves his glasses back up on his nose before they can slip down as he throws his arms around Sirius, then Remus, all smiles and laughter.

By the time he gets to her, she's smiling a little, even though she smells like cigarette smoke and feels a little out of place. He hugs her and she smells the laundry soap on his shirt and the sweat on his skin. She feels the sturdiness of his arms and chest and it's a little calming because he's just a guy. He's the same guy who crams money in her tip jar at work when he thinks she isn't looking, and runs his hands all over his hair because it's a complete disaster.

He's becoming familiar, and even though his parents are loaded, he's never given her reason to feel weird about it, so she's determined not to.

He pulls away, giving her a friendly nudge as the others move into the kitchen.

"I told you it would happen."

"You finally cleared your schedule for the little people," she teases.

He just rolls his eyes and smiles, nodding in the general direction of the kitchen where the others have gathered.

* * *

><p>Dinner is pizza and beer, with too many people crowded around the dining room table. There's the usual suspects, and then Peter and Marlene, who Sirius and James have known practically forever, and have a million stories to tell that make James and Sirius blush. Remus and Lily sit back and enjoy, trading looks as Peter and Marlene reveal some of the more embarrassing tales from their time at prep school.<p>

"You're never invited back to beer and pizza night," Sirius informs Marlene sternly after she tells a particularly mortifying story about Sirius getting his first blow job from a guy who had a fondness for cinnamon gum which could only end in disaster.

The blonde rolls her eyes, grabs the slice of pizza from Sirius' plate and launches into another story in retaliation.

Lily slips out in the shuffle of everyone laughing and reaching for more beer. She shrugs on her coat, shakes out the cigarettes and lighter from her pocket, and lights up as she drops to sit on the front steps. She takes a few deep drags, feeling some of the stress from the visit with her dad leak out with each puff of smoke.

So far, the dinner has been great. Marlene and Peter are just as outgoing as the others, and they're nothing but kind to Lily and Remus, as they make their entrance into such a different world. The others have demanded that beer and pizza night becomes a tradition, and it makes Lily happy to have something like that to look forward to.

It's only a small part of her that hold back that happiness, as she thinks about Petunia and her dad, and what things would be like if her mom was still alive. She just needs to get away for a minute and think through things so she can go back to having a good time.

Before too long, she hears the front door open and close and then James settles in next to her, holding a hand out so she can pass over the cigarette.

"I didn't know you smoked."

He shrugs, taking a puff before passing it back.

"Used to."

They sit like that, passing it back and forth, silent, staring out at the rest of the neighborhood, until Lily stubs it out and drops it in her coat pocket, not wanting to upset the pristine neighborhood.

"You should get back in before things descend into chaos in there," Lily says lightly.

James glances over at her, and she's not sure why, but the level look comforts and unnerves her. He looks at her like he sees exactly the way things are, the way she is, and still wants to keep looking.

Her mind suddenly goes back to the cigarette they shared, and the places where their lips would have overlapped. She resists the urge to rub her thumb against her bottom lip, like maybe she'll find something from him there that has rubbed off and changed it a little.

"They'll be okay," he says finally.

Lily dips her head, nods. They pass the rest of the time on the steps in silence, and when he gets back up to head inside he doesn't wait, giving her the choice to stay or go with him.

Lily fiddles with the lighter in her pocket for a few moments, considering, before she gets up and follows him back to where their friends are waiting.


	4. Bad kids

A/n There's an important note at the end of the chapter. Please take a look when you've finished reading. Thanks!

Warnings for this chapter: Ableism, drinking, swearing, and partner on partner aggression

* * *

><p>Lily is familiar with the gentle upheaval that happens when your closest friend enters a romantic relationship and then moves through all the stages and entanglements that relationships entail.<p>

It isn't new, or different because, since she's known Remus, they've each had a fair amount of relationships, casual hookups, breakups, and makeups that it's no longer too much of a disturbance to their friendship. Things change, like they're supposed to, because Sirius and Remus start spending more time together. They linger over casual touches, sometimes getting a little lost in each other before they snap back, distancing themselves a little so they can re-join whatever's happening around them.

Lily can still count on Remus to have her back when she needs it. When Sirius spends a night or two at his parent's place, to keep them mollified that he's being the dutiful son, they sit in front of the TV and watch House Hunters re-runs, complaining loudly because people find it impossible to look beyond paint and carpeting when they're selecting a dream home. They crash in Remus' bed, burrowed beneath a mound of blankets because the heat is shitty and they risk losing a limb if they don't bundle up. Sometimes they don't do too much talking, but usually once the conversation starts, as a trickle, it becomes a flood of talking a little about the past and where they think everything's going.

They still do all of that, just a little less often, with Sirius around a little more as time goes by. And she knows she could hang out with them if she wants, but she still makes the decision to spend more time outside the apartment, seeing other friends, giving Remus and Sirius space to be wrapped up in one another as they hurtle toward falling in love.

She makes good use of her time, making the decision to meet Alice for lunch, leaving the apartment before Remus and Sirius can dive at each other, tearing off clothing and laughing their way to the bedroom. It's been a few months since she's been able to get together with Alice because their schedules are both weird. They've kept up on Facebook and by sending snarky email updates to one another about how things are going, but it's not the same, and she's happy they've carved out a little time to meet up.

Alice is already there when Lily enters the restaurant. It's pretty dead because the food can be classified as a health hazard most of the time, but it's inexpensive and near enough for both of them that they're willing to take their chances. It's easy to pick Alice out among the sparse crowd as she checks something on her phone and sips from her water glass.

It hasn't been that long since they've seen one another, but Lily can't hide the huge smile or the tug of familiarity that fills her with warmth. She's still the same as she was back in high school, Lily knows. The only difference is that now she's business casual, dressed for working with her preschoolers with her short dark hair cropped into a stylish pixie cut; an improvement from the hack jobs they gave each other when they didn't have the money for anything better.

Alice is checking her phone as Lily wanders over, but when she glances up and snaps her gum, Lily wants to laugh because it's just like high school, and there's comfort in things that don't change.

"Lily, look at you-"

"God, Alice, you're wearing a skirt-"

They talk over one another as Alice slides out of the booth, and then they're throwing their arms around one another, still talking and laughing, only sitting down a few minutes later when they start to get weird looks.

Alice takes both of Lily's hands in hers from across the table, squeezing them as her eyes shine brightly with excitement.

"It's been too long, right? I'm pretty sure the last time we saw each other was, like, three haircuts ago."

"It looks awesome on you," Lily tells her, because it does. Alice never shied away from changing her hair, and the blunt cut suits her small, friendly features.

"I'm sorry I missed the other ones."

The waitress wanders over, finding a kindred spirit in Alice as they both snap their gum.

It's always been easy with Alice. Maybe not in the same way that it is with Remus, because they've given each other sanctuary, over and over again. But with Alice, Lily feels like maybe they can take over the world, together. She's dependable and steady, and it hits her all at once how much she's missed her.

"So," Lily says, poking at the dubious cup of soup that had been placed in front of her, before looking at Alice expectantly.

"How's Frank? The new job? Spill."

"Well," Alice says softly, suddenly staring down at the table, "since we're here and it'll probably be another two years since we see each other again-"

"Dramatic. It was three months-"

"Anyway," Alice continues, "there is something. We wanted to wait to get everyone together but…"

"But?" Lily prompts.

Alice glances up at Lily from under her lashes, a slow smile unfurling as she fidgets a little in her seat.

"I'm pregnant."

Lily's mouth actually drops open. The shock jolts her and then she's coming around the other side of the booth, holding both of Alice's hands in hers.

"Pregnant?"

Alice nods, smiling so wide it's in danger of splitting her face, and crying a little, radiating happiness.

"I'm not that far along, and Frank's mother said it was better to wait to tell people." Alice wrinkles her nose and rolls her eyes.

"But I couldn't keep it in-"

"Good!" Lily wipes her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt, laughing a little.

"I'm glad you didn't wait. God, Alice, I'm so happy for you. You and Frank."

"We've already started picking out colors for the nursery. He's being ridiculous, and I love it."

It's easy for Lily's mind to move beyond the confines of the restaurant, to imagine Alice and Frank in their tiny house with just enough backyard for a kid to run around in some day. They were unstoppable, even in high school, when everyone else was just trying to get by, Alice and Frank got together and never looked back, and it'll be the same when they have kids.

The thought warms her, and they both can't stop smiling. They spend the rest of their lunch talking about baby stuff. Potential names, baby showers, how they'll deal with people trying to touch her belly when she starts to show. Lily's a little dazed by it all, but she's so happy.

When their time together comes to an end, and they're hugging on the sidewalk, Lily is seized with an idea.

"Halloween, do you have any plans, yet?"

"I don't think so. Just a thing at the school in the afternoon, why?"

"It's Sirius' birthday, so there's going to be a party. Too much alcohol, loud music, the works. You and Frank should come."

Alice looks intrigued, and Lily knows it's because she only met Sirius once a couple of months ago, so it'll be the perfect chance to scope out Remus' boyfriend.

"We wouldn't miss it. Text me the details!"

"Sure."

Lily's about to head back to her apartment, to find the biggest blanket possible and wrap up so she can watch scary movies and eat junk food, when Alice stops her with a hand on her arm.

"Lily?"

"What's up?"

"It really has been too long since we hung out last."

"Agreed. Let's not do that again."

"Let's not. Also, you can tell Remus. About the baby thing."

"You sure? You don't want to wait?"

Alice grins and rolls her eyes, backing away.

"You think you could hold out?"

"I'm not sure, but I can try."

"Just tell him!" Alice shouts as she gets further away.

"And if he freaks out, he can Skype me and Frank!"

* * *

><p>"Remus John Lupin, I have news!"<p>

Lily kicks the door shut behind her. She's grinning as she dumps her bag in the doorway, drags her scarf off and toes off her shoes at the same time. There's no reply, so she goes to the cabinet by the fridge, grabs the two orange pill bottles, and shakes a few pills out and into her hand.

"You home? If you're banging-"

Lily is replacing the bottles and in the process of filling up a glass with tap water when he appears in the doorway.

"Remus, I-"

Only, it's not Remus. James Potter is standing in the doorway between the kitchen and living room. He gives a little wave and goes back to rubbing at his eyes with one hand, holding his glasses in the other. He looks sleepy, like he's still waking up. His shirt is wrinkled and there's a pillow crease on one of his cheeks.

"Hey."

He smiles a little, and Lily wants to say something smart about his hair being even more of a wreck than usual, but she can't come up with anything.

She looks down at the pills in her hand, looks back up and smiles weakly before tossing them back and taking a sip of water to get them down. She shoves the pill bottles into the cabinet and they rattle against the other bottles in a way that sets her teeth on edge.

She wonders what her smile must look like, because it feels wrong on her face, but she keeps it up as she says, "Hey. Remus out?"

"Yeah, I was over studying with Sirius and they had to go out. Guess I ended up grabbing an impromptu nap."

"Right, okay…"

She catches it, the second his gaze flicks between her to the cabinet where her meds are stashed. The stupid smile is still in place, but she can feel her cheeks warm and something clenches in her chest.

_"Freak!"_

Suddenly, she's in her childhood bedroom,_ she's eighteen and she'll be moving out in two weeks. Her meds haven't really caught up to her depression yet, so she's stuck in bed. Her bedroom smells stale, and Petunia wrinkles her nose when she walks in._

_"Vernon is here. Are you coming down to dinner?"_

_"No," Lily murmurs from her bed. _

_"I can't."_

_"Stop being such a freak and come down. Mom wants you to help-"_

_"I can't! I can't do it, so just get out of my fucking room!" _

_Lily yells and it feels so good. Petunia backs away, looking at Lily in a way that she never has before, in a way that Lily will remember forever._

_"Freak! Stay up here, then. I don't want you anywhere near Vernon."_

The memory fades and she's back in the kitchen. Her heart is beating too fast and James has moved closer, ducking his head so their eyes meet.

"Lily-"

"Okay, well. I actually have to run out. So, I'll see you around, somewhere."

And then she's gone. She doesn't grab her bag off the floor or the coat that she threw off in such a hurry. Once she's outside, she realizes that she left without her keys. No keys, but she has her phone.

Lily shoots Remus a quick message, asking him to text her once he gets home.

And because it's cold and she has nowhere else to be, she makes the walk across town so she can check on her dad, getting the visit out of the way and also so she can and steal one of his sweaters for the walk home, later.

"You're early."

Lily regrets her decision as soon as she walks in. It's a small relief that it's warm and the house actually smells clean, and not so much like cigarette smoke, but then her dad's on her, barking at her from the couch, and she wants to walk right back outside, keys be damned.

"It's your lucky day. My schedule opened up."

He grunts in response, going back to the TV.

"Make yourself useful and get me a beer."

Lily actually pauses in the process of sitting down in her usual chair, to look at him. Her butt is just hovering above the cushion for about two seconds before she shoots to her feet. Her dad, _Dave_, still isn't looking at her. It isn't until she stalks over to grab the remote out of his hand that he looks at her, annoyed.

"What-"

She hauls back and throws it with everything she's got, satisfied when it flies through the living room and crashes into the kitchen wall so hard that the batteries fly out and roll around on the floor. She's still not looking at her dad when she heads over to the TV and stabs the power button.

It shuts off and the room is drowned in silence and her heavy breathing. Staring at a spot on the wall, Lily forces her shoulders to relax and doesn't look at her dad until she thinks she can speak without yelling.

"I don't think I've been clear enough about this, but I'm not here to be your maid. I'll give you your pills and make sure you get to the bathroom so you don't shit yourself, but I'm not at your beck and call."

Lily is shaking a little when she meets her dad's guarded expression.

"I'm here until you die, and then I never have to come back again."

He opens and closes his mouth a few times, but nothing comes out. He snaps his mouth shut and Lily nods at nothing in particular before heading into the kitchen to get his pills. On autopilot, she grabs his pills and a glass of water. She waits for a few minutes while a TV dinner finishes cooking in the microwave.

She pulls it all together on one of the trays she bought a couple of weeks back so she wouldn't have to make twenty trips to and from the kitchen, and sets it gently on the coffee table. He watches her carefully, like she might start throwing other random shit in the living room, aiming at him this time.

Instead, she heads upstairs to rummage through his closet for something warm to wear on the way home. She doesn't care what it is or which member of the house it belonged to. She shrugs on a giant sweater and instantly knows it belongs to her dad. It smells like cigarettes and peppermint, but she's too tired to grab something else so she heads back downstairs.

The TV gets turned back on. She replaces the remote within his reach so he doesn't have to strain himself and get winded in order to grab it.

There's nothing but steady silence between them as she drops the remote and heads out the door and into the October evening.

* * *

><p>It's pretty easy to avoid James Potter after her mad dash from the kitchen.<p>

Lily becomes a pro at it, changing up her routine so they never have to interact, especially in her own apartment. He doesn't come into the café while she's working, and she's grateful for that because she's not ready to unpack the conversation that might need to happen.

When she does see him, he's wearing a black mask, cape, and a costume that has an impressive set of fake abs. She should have known, considering Sirius is Superman, and Peter's Spiderman, that James would be Batman. For his part, Remus is dressed as a werewolf, complete with weird furry knuckles, because it was agreed upon that matching couple costumers are the definition of ridiculous.

The Potter house is already full, music blaring from a brand name sound system, when she bumps into James in the kitchen. She doesn't realize it's him right away, but the outrageous hair gives his identity away. She nearly laughs at the fake abs built into the costume, but she can't be one to talk because she's dressed as red riding hood. It's not really a costumer, just a red cape thrown over her jeans and hoodie with a dopey picnic basket that she got from a thrift shop.

"Want a drink?"

Lily nods, accepting the beer so she has something else to hold. Before it gets weird, Sirius stumbles into the kitchen, completely at ease in his blue and red costume.

"Lily! There you are."

"Hey, birthday boy."

Lily kisses his cheek and he grins, planting a friendly kiss on her lips in return.

"Drinks on me!"

The room erupts in cheers and he lunges out of the room to where Remus is hanging out with Alice, Frank, and Peter in the other room. Lily considers bolting to the safety of her friends, but then she reminds herself that it would be a totally chicken shit thing to do, so she stays.

She sets the beer James handed her on a spare inch of granite countertop and, without thinking, uses a finger to tap one of his plastic abs to make sure she has his attention.

"I'm going to get some air. Want to come?"

He nods and she immediately does an about-face, winding through the sea of bodies and making it out of the kitchen so she can hurry through the back door without waiting to see if he's following. She finds what looks like a decorative bench in the yard and takes a seat.

When James sits next to her, his mask is off. He's holding it in one hand, and for a few moments Lily just stares at him until it hits her.

"Your glasses."

"Contacts, just for special occasions."

"Why don't you wear them normally?"

"They irritate my eyes. Not worth it."

Lily doesn't respond and James takes the opportunity to jump right in, feet first.

"Did I weird you out in the kitchen?"

When Lily just looks at him, forming what she'll say to that, he continues.

"Last week? When you-"

"-I remember. Ah, no, you didn't."

James waits, settling back against the bench and folding his arms over his chest, like he's getting comfortable for what might be an extended conversation. He looks like the picture of patience and calm, and she feels a overwhelmed by relief that he isn't pissed or standoffish after everything.

"You weren't weird, James. But sometimes people are."

"Okay."

"And," she continues, slowly, "Sometimes it's easier to just get out before I have to deal with it. Because sometimes they look at me differently when they know I'm Bipolar, and I don't know if I'll ever get used to that."

She says it, just throws the word out there into the quiet of the night, and it makes her acutely aware how little she actually says it. She spends some time staring down at her hands, looking up when he clears his throat quietly.

"Sirius has a mood disorder," their eyes meet, and Lily just nods as he continues, "I've seen him take pills. It's not a big thing."

Lily deflates a little because she doesn't know how to explain it, other than admitting that even the people who she expects to be supportive, can be the biggest assholes about it. And that it hurts. It hurts when it's unexpected, and it still hurts when she knows it's coming. But how could he get that if he's never been through it?

Her hands start to sweat as she hears the word _freak_ in the back of her mind, and she doesn't know if she can explain it to someone who hasn't been there.

But he surprises her.

"I'm sorry I saw that when you didn't want me to. That it was uncomfortable."

"It was just a...thing. So, you don't have to be too sorry."

"Okay," he's smiling just a little, one corner of his mouth curving up.

"Does this mean we can go back to not ignoring each other?"

"I think so. It would kind of be a dick move if I ignored you forever after coming to your Halloween party, right?"

"True. I am glad you came, by the way."

"Yeah, same," she says, and they both know she means it.

* * *

><p>The rest of the night goes by pretty quickly after that. There's plenty of alcohol and dancing, and somehow, Lily ends up wearing another cape sometime between her first and second drink, with no idea who it belongs to.<p>

She's hanging out with Alice, who's pretty much the only one not drinking, when the sound of raised voices reaches her ears. Lily holds a hand up and Alice trails off, hearing it, too.

"Is that..?"

They both wander into the kitchen, which is empty, except for Remus and Sirius, who are too busy shouting at one another to pay them any mind.

"-promised this time!"

"-can't even stand the idea that I'm having a good time. It's my fucking birthday-"

Lily's seen them argue before, usually little stuff that gets resolved fairly quickly or leaves one of them pouting for a few days until they make up. It's never been like this, and she feels a little afraid when she sees the way Sirius is crowding Remus, backing him toward the wall as his voice gets progressively louder.

Instead of retreating, Remus shoots forward, his face flushing with temper as their chests bump, until he's snarling and angry in a way that she doesn't recognize.

"Don't you fucking dare, Sirius. I swear to God-"

"Hey!"

Lily abandons her beer, with Alice on her heels. She's not sure exactly what she's going to do until she's behind Sirius, grabbing his shoulder so he takes a step back, giving Remus some room.

"Back off!"

"What the hell is your problem?" Sirius shakes off her hold and Lily stumbles away, not so much from the impact of Sirius' gesture, but mostly because of the dark look twisting his features.

She's never seen him like this, not even close, and even though they both look like they want her to walk away, like this is something they need to handle with control fraying on both their parts, she's scared that something bad might happen if she does.

"Lily, stay out of this," Remus starts.

"You sure you don't want her to stick around? She can fight this one for you too-"

"Don't be-"

When Lily looks around, Alice is gone. And when she turns back to the unfolding scene, she sees Remus shove Sirius away with both hands, hard. Sirius recovers quickly, charging back at Remus so he can grab him by the collar of his shirt, jerking him forward so his feet nearly lift off the floor.

"Hey, hey, hey!"

Alice is back with James, Peter, Frank and a few people Lily doesn't recognize crowding into the kitchen. James goes for Sirius, pulling him back so he drops Remus and crashes into the counter, knocking over a few bottles in the process. Remus starts forward, both arms shooting out like he's going to grab onto some part of Sirius, whether it's to help him stand or do something he'll regret, she's not sure. Before Remus can reach him, Lily hurries to place both hands against his chest, keeping him in place.

"Cool it, Remus."

"Let go-"

"Stop! Just calm down-"

"Get Sirius out of here," Alice snaps as Frank and James help him to his feet, slinging their arms around him so they can steer him in the opposite direction of Remus.

Lily takes one of Remus' hands in hers, pushing through the crowd that's gathered until they're outside, where she was sitting with James not too long ago. As soon as the door shuts behind them, Remus snatches his hand away from Lily, pacing a few steps until he gives up and leans back against the house, rubbing both hands over his face.

"What was that?"

Remus tips his head back as he drinks in the cool air. His chest heaves and his hands drop, clenched at his side. Lily doesn't expect an answer right away, so she just watches him as the anger drains away little by little, and she can feel the worry churning in her gut because everything just went so wrong right in front of her.

Not only that, but it's occurring to her that maybe this isn't the first time an argument has gone this far, that she's missed some undercurrent of things being way off, and that Remus is in deep in something she can't pull him out of.

"Nothing. It just got a little out of hand…"

"Has he ever," Lily licks her lips, trying to read Remus' expression as she continues, "hit you? Back there, it looked like you were both going to start swinging."

He shakes his head and she can tell he means it. He doesn't try to dodge her gaze, he just looks tired, like the fight took everything out of him.

"We had too much to drink. Every time we drink and try to have a good time, we come back to the same fucking fight…"

"If you want to talk-"

"No, let's just go home."

* * *

><p>The next few days are odd. Unsettled.<p>

Lily goes to work, makes it on time to her check in appointments with psych services, sees Alice some more. All of that's normal, right on schedule.

But back at the apartment, things are still off. Remus goes to school, works, and comes home each night looking more and more exhausted. He doesn't sleep well and Lily can see him physically bite back his irritation at things that normally wouldn't bother him.

He's still living by his schedule, but it's more _getting by_ than actually living because he's tired and preoccupied. They spend a lot of time on the couch, alternating between cooking shows and HGTV, and not talking about what happened, unless it's in short bursts that are quickly dropped.

Sirius stays out of sight for three days before he shows up at the apartment. Remus tells her beforehand that he's been invited over, that they'd be talking about a few things. So she isn't surprised when he shows up, knocking because he's lost the privilege of breezing through the door like it's his home.

When he knocks, Lily's the one to open the door, and for a few moments, she purposefully blocks his entry with her body.

He looks like hell, and she's petty enough to be glad that he's had some time to feel like that before Remus lets him come over. He doesn't smile, doesn't offer an apology or his usual teasing greeting. The innate warmth and friendliness that he carries himself with is completely gone; replaced by slumped shoulders and circles under his eyes.

He returns her stare, the entirety of Halloween passing between them before she steps away to let him pass.

He mumbles a quick thank you and shucks his coat, hanging it over one of the kitchen chairs. Remus appears from the living room, leaning against the doorway with his arms folded over his chest. His expression doesn't soften when he sees Sirius.

To Lily, it's striking. He usually gets this small smile, with a million inside jokes crammed into that one smile, or lights up a little whenever Sirius walks into the room. Sometimes it's subtle, and sometimes it fills the room until Lily can practically touch the happiness radiating from him.

Today they're both guarded and flat, and it's unsettling.

Lily grabs her stuff, giving Remus one last silent look, asking if she needs to stay in case things get rough again, and he just shakes his head, asking for some privacy while they talk. She's not above shooting a very pointed look at Sirius on her way out.

"Message received," he says quietly.

_Good_, she wants to say, but keeps quiet and heads out into the rainy afternoon.

It gets weirder because once she leaves the apartment, she makes a trip to the Potter house. She takes shelter beneath her umbrella and takes her time on the walk over, not in a hurry when she's got so much on her mind to keep her occupied.

In a way, it's ideal because Mr. and Mrs. Potter spend most of their time traveling, so there's this huge house for her to explore, with a friendly boy to keep her company.

In a way it's difficult because, just as she's firmly team Remus, Sirius is James' best friend. Despite all of that, she shows up, like he said she could, just to see how it'll play out.

When James opens the door, wearing a thick sweater and faded jeans, it's like there aren't any teams. Or, maybe, he's team Lily and she's team James, and it's like neutral ground. At least for a little while.

He steps back so she can come in but, despite the neutral thing, she has to get something off her chest first.

"I don't know what's going on with them, but I'm on Remus' side. Always."

"I didn't expect anything else."

"I know, but…" Lily shrugs, "I just had to be clear. To say it, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

With that out of the way, she steps inside, immediately enveloped by the warmth and comfort that she will forever associate with the Potter home. Despite the size of the house, with its endless amount of rooms and a library on the first and second floor, it feels cozy. There's a fire in the fireplace and Lily is a little in awe by how stupidly charming it is as she hangs up her coat and walks over to sit on the couch so she can feel the warmth that starts in her toes and spreads through the rest of her.

"What were you doing before I got here?"

"Pretending to study," he admits, and his smile is a little devious.

"Mostly watching Chopped and ignoring my work."

"Do you ever do anything else, though? Serious question. Every time I talk to you, you're on your way to a study group or taking a breather from having your head in a book."

"Nope, just studying. The only time I'm not studying is to grab food and get really drunk."

"No sleep, huh? Living the dream, I guess."

They talk for a little longer, not really saying anything, and definitely avoiding Halloween, and it's nice. Comfortable.

Eventually, James has to get back to his LSAT prep. He spreads his books and about five notebooks out over the coffee table, after throwing a few logs on the fire to keep it going. He has his books and an energy drink nearby, and about ten different colored highlighters, which, for whatever reason, makes Lily smile.

For her part, Lily curls up on the couch, paying little attention to the TV that's on low, mostly providing background noise.

She watches James sometimes, looking at him every so often as he bends his head, writing furiously in handwriting that's barely legible. She turns her attention back to the TV, and then, slowly, she begins nodding off.

When she wakes up, there's a blanket spread over her. The fire's died down a little, but the TV's still on and James is still doing his thing at the coffee table.

"How long was I out?" her voice is raspy with sleep, and James smiles as he glances up.

"A little over an hour. You hungry?"

"Yeah, a little."

"I have pizza rolls, or we call for takeout."

"Pizza rolls, it is."

Lily follows him into the kitchen, reluctantly leaving the blanket behind. She hops up on the kitchen counter next to the stove as he drags out a cookie sheet and pulls the bag of pizza rolls out of the freezer.

"How's the studying going?"

"Pretty good, actually. I hit my goal, so I'm done for the night."

Lily uses her toe to poke his thigh as he's spreading the rolls out on the sheet.

"How will you manage to fill your evening, now?"

James drops the cookie sheet into the oven and straightens, turning a little so they're eye to eye. He places a hand on the counter, right next to her thigh, and it brings them a little closer so she can see his smile, soft and genuine, spread a little at the edges.

"I'm sure I'll figure something out."

They eat shitty pizza rolls at the coffee table. She's not sure what he's thinking, because whatever the small _thing_ that happened in the kitchen was, that's what she's thinking about. But he gives nothing away, and keeps up a steady stream of conversation, asking about her work schedule, and if she wants to hang out during one of her breaks.

She says yes, and not just because he's a weirdo who tips too much, which would be reason enough.

When five o'clock rolls around, Lily feels a sense of dread settle in her stomach. She's back on the couch, but she's staring out the front window, wondering if she really needs to get going; how she'd feel if she skipped the check-in with her dad, and how he'd fare without his pills and a hot meal.

"I have to go."

"You want company on your walk over?"

"If you're up for it."

They don't say much on the walk over. They're both bundled up, breath puffing out in front of them. Every so often along the way, their arms brush. One of them moves closer so they just barely bump against each other as they walk. They don't say anything, but they stay close.

Lily makes a point of saying goodbye on the porch. She jams her hands deep into her coat pockets and rocks back on her heels.

"I'd invite you in, but my dad is a piece of shit."

James laughs a little at her candor but sobers quickly.

"You're okay going in, though?"

"I'm okay going in."

"Okay."

"Thanks for walking over and everything."

He's standing on the step below her and she's not sure who moves first, but he takes a half-step up and she leans forward, colliding with the warmth that surrounds him, like she's being pulled into orbit. She puts one hand on his shoulder to steady herself and he pauses, his eyes locking with hers as he leans forward to kiss her cheek.

Lily almost laughs because it's so innocent. So careful, like one wrong move will make whatever's happening blow up in their faces. He lingers there, still close but unmoving, like he'll back off in an instant if she asks him to.

It's Lily who moves this time. With a steady hand she gently tugs his shirtfront so he moves close enough for her arms to wrap around his waist. She rests her head against his shoulder and an instant later, his arms come around her so they're sharing warmth and space, with no distance between them.

It's more intimate than the kiss. It means more to her, anyway, because she needs a hug more than she needs anything else right now, and he holds her like he would be okay staying that way for the rest of the night, like his arms are hers for the taking.

And that's a feeling she wants to hold on to for awhile.

"Thank you," she says, feeling soft and warm when she pulls away.

It's like his warmth has seeped into her and somehow she's smiling when they part ways and she steps inside, feeling a little better than she was before.

* * *

><p>That night, it's Remus who comes into Lily's room, asking in a hushed voice if he can sleep there. Lily throws back the blankets and he falls beside her, throwing one arm behind his head as he stares up at her ceiling.<p>

"You okay?"

It takes a minute for him to answer, and she knows he's really considering the question.

"Yeah. I think so."

"Are you sure?"

"No, actually."

Beneath the covers, Lily finds his hand, squeezes it because it's his relationship that's on the rocks, but whatever happens, he's never alone. And every so often he needs to be reminded of that, so she hangs on to his hand for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>An Just a quick note about Remus and Sirius' relationship. I can imagine it being tumultuous for a few reasons, which isn't the point of this note.

What I want to say here, so it's totally clear, is that it is never acceptable to make a partner feel threatened. Whether it's purposefully invading their space or acting in a manner that threatens them with physical violence. Also, that unhealthy or abusive things can happen in relationships and it doesn't have to involve physical violence.

Remus and Sirius being drunk, and two men (which usually means aggression is viewed as more acceptable) does not make any of that okay **because it is never okay**. And I hope that comes across in this portrayal, and the resulting strain on their relationship.


	5. To build a home

A/n: Warnings for this chapter: Swearing (what's new? I know), mentions of substance abuse, and an on-going depiction of cancer.

* * *

><p><strong>7 months earlier<strong>

_There are rules in waiting rooms. _

_In the time between signing in with the receptionist and waiting for your therapist to come out and collect you, there's no talking, unless you're typing away on your phone, or sending a carrier pigeon to someone on the outside._

_There's no talking, limited eye contact, and as a courtesy, you give a wide berth to fellow patients. _

_The man in the leather jacket stuck out because he was breaking the unspoken rules, ticking them off one by one, like a bull in a china shop. Lily's suspicion that he was a newbie was confirmed when he sat down in the chair directly next to her. He clasped his hands between his knees and turned an overly bright, obviously nervous look in her direction. _

_"I don't think I'd feel so weird being here if it wasn't so quiet."_

_His voice was loud enough that it drew a few looks. He was mostly forgiven because he was handsome, disheveled, but handsome, and managed an apologetic smile to the room in general._

_"You get used to it," Lily said, trying to sound reassuring, when she was mostly tired, having passed from sleepy into the land of almost too groggy to function. To her, it contrasted sharply with his nervous, nearly frantic, energy, but he didn't seem to notice. _

_ "I think everyone just has a lot on their mind, you know?"_

_It was a little sad how relieved he looked once she spoke to him. He dropped his voice, so it was more appropriate for the setting, and leaned toward her slightly so they wouldn't be overheard. _

_"I guess I don't do well with quiet."_

_Lily paused to look him over again, from the artfully mussed hair to the scuffed boots that looked like they went through hell and cost more than she made in two months. His smile was tight, like it might fly off his face in favor of a bleaker look if that vibrating energy deserted him. _

_At the end of her careful assessment, she made a decision with the understanding that she could very well come to regret it. _

_"What time is your appointment?"_

_"Noon. Yours?"_

_"Same," Lily responded._

_"You want to grab coffee after? We'll be out around the same time and I have an hour before I need to be anywhere."_

_"Yeah? That would be good. Coffee's good."_

_It was halfway into their coffee date, after Lily rolled his name around a few times that she realized the manic stranger who was so clearly out of place in the doctor's office, and the leather jacket hottie Remus was taking to dinner on Friday were one and the same._

_She sat on the information, keeping her cards close to her chest throughout their time together. She asked about his major (Pre-med, due to parental pressure), and she told him the abridged version of her recent dropout status (Classes and rapid cycling had never been her friend). _

_When they parted with each other's phone numbers and a tentative coffee date arrangement, she decided that she liked his laugh and wouldn't mind meeting him again after her next appointment. _

_Lily waited until she got home to casually mention to Remus that she met his date, thanks to fate and cheap mental health services near campus, and '_shit are you in trouble'_ because Sirius was better looking than Remus let on._

_Remus collapsed on the couch next to her so he could rub a hand over his face, appearing concerned at first and then smiling crookedly._

_"Fuck, he's gorgeous, isn't he?"_

_"It's bordering on ridiculous."_

_"I'm so screwed."_

* * *

><p><strong>Present day<strong>

"So, you and James are hanging out a lot."

"I'm sure he's filled you in," Lily says.

Sirius is on the couch, pretending to watch TV while Lily grabs a few things for the evening ahead of her. When they hang out, James spends a decent chunk of time studying, so she likes to bring a book or something to work on, so they're both occupied.

She can feel Sirius watching her as she moves back and forth between the living room and her bedroom, picking up things as she remembers them. Remus is just finishing up in the shower, but it feels like he's taking ten years due to the lingering awkward between Lily and Sirius.

"Actually," Sirius says when she reappears.

"He hasn't said all that much."

"I'm hurt," Lily says mockingly.

Sirius winces and Lily huffs out a breath. She knows she's being harsh, but she can't seem to have a normal conversation with him. The truth is that she's just realizing how much she actually likes him, not just in the boyfriend capacity to Remus, but as a person. Someone who she used to talk to, who would get where she was coming from about chronic illness and just trying to keep it together.

She liked him, and she still does, but it's hard because she's not sure if she should trust him with her best friend.

So their conversations are clipped. They exchange a few words whenever they see each other, and then she's rescued by Remus or some other distraction.

It's hard, but it also isn't her relationship, and Remus says they're working on it, so she makes the effort to try again.

"You'll be the first to know when the wedding announcements go out," she says gently.

Sirius picks up on the change of tone instantly. It's ridiculous how relieved he looks when he smiles.

Lily's on the way out when he calls after her, "I have dibs on best man!"

* * *

><p>Three a.m. is an excellent time to raid the Potter kitchen.<p>

The fridge is always stocked, especially when Mr. and Mrs. Potter are home, but even when they're not, there's still always something on hand that is better than what she has back at the apartment. The freezer, alone, offers at least three different ice cream options. Standing in front of the open door in a borrowed pear of sweatpants, Lily contemplates each of the containers, before deciding to take out all three to make her own concoction in two separate bowls.

When she's done, she flicks off the lights and makes her way to the bedroom at the far end of the house where James is raking a hand through his hair and frowning down at the book in his lap. He's been in that position for a few hours now, so when Lily re-enters, grinning as she thrusts a bowl and spoon in his direction, they mutually agree that it's time for a break.

James kicks back, tossing aside the book so he can plant both his feet on the bed, where Lily's sprawled and attacking her ice cream will relish.

"Which one of your parents has the sweet tooth?"

"Dad, definitely. Mom says he passed it on to me."

"Three varieties of ice cream. Incredible."

James goes on to tell her about the care packages his mom would send when he was away at school, and how sweets would hardly make it a few days between his attempts to hoard them. They became legendary among the others, and he'd have to fend them off, only sharing with Sirius and Peter.

"Eventually it turned into a game. I'd pick the hardest hiding spots I could think of, and those two would make it their mission to figure it out and steal all my food."

"You don't sound too put out about them eating it all."

"I might have mentioned it to my mom over the phone."

"So, what did she do?"

"She started sending more. By sophomore year, I was trading cookies and brownies for cigarettes and alcohol."

"Of course you would," Lily shakes her head, and easily imagines the three back in school, in a constant state of being up to no good.

James sets aside his empty bowl, lacing his hands over his stomach as he stares her down.

"Your turn. What sort of trouble did you get up to with Remus and Alice?"

"The usual. Ditching school, breaking curfew-"

"-boring-"

"-grand theft auto."

James laughs, and then laughs harder, his eyes widening in sheer disbelief when she mentions that the last one is definitely true.

"Remus had appendicitis, so Alice got us into this junker that belonged to one of our neighbors. He worked nights, so he was asleep when I worked my magic. We got it home before he even knew what happened."

"Holy shit, you're serious?"

"Look, ambulances around there take forever, and we didn't know what was wrong with him, so we improvised."

"So many questions," he says with a dazed grin.

"Ask away."

"Where'd you learn how to do that?"

"Older cousin. She wanted me to have a few life skills under my belt in case I needed them."

"How old were you?"

"Almost sixteen. I had a little driving experience, so it wasn't that risky."

"Have you done it more than once?"

Lily rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

"No. I try to only use it for the greater good."

James is still shaking his head when she passes off her bowl so he can set is aside on his desk.

"Can you imagine if we had gone to school together?"

She knows he's thinking of all the mischief they could have gotten into, and if they had run in the same circle, Lily knows that would have been the case. But she has a hard time believing that they would have been friends. James would have been with Sirius and Peter, both boys from backgrounds similar to his own. She would have felt more comfortable with Remus and Alice, and anyone else at the stuffy school who came from the crummy part of town and didn't have a lot of money.

She's been considering it longer than she realizes, because James is eyeing her seriously, studying her in a way that's become familiar.

"I would have noticed you straight away."

"You think so, huh?"

"Oh, yeah."

"I probably would have made fun of your hair," she admits.

"I would have retaliated by trying to embarrass you in front of your friends. Typical douchebag stuff."

Lily imagines fifteen year old James Potter and Lily Evans meeting, and she hunches her shoulders because she's smiling so hard.

"I think it's okay that we met now," she says slowly. Her smile fades as she becomes thoughtful. Her fingers ghost over his comforter as she speaks, appreciating the little distraction. She chooses her words carefully, and during that pause she can feel his gaze practically burning into the side of her face.

"I mean, growing up isn't easy, right? But I think I needed to meet you later because it's actually really hard right now."

She's startled when James stands up. It's abrupt, and there's a look of determination on his face, but he hesitates, taking one step forward and stopping. She can see his mind working as he considers sitting back down, keeping the gap between them, but Lily doesn't want him to. That's the last thing she wants.

She scoots over a little so her shoulder bumps the wall, so she can pat the space next to her on the bed. The mattress dips as he settles next to her, and his fingers lace with hers as their shoulders brush and Lily tangles her legs with his longer ones.

Their conversation continues, like there was no interruption. Like he didn't cross the room and she didn't invite him to. They just keep talking, like they'll never run out of things to say.

* * *

><p>Lily wakes up sometime later. The first thing she's sure of is that she has made a nice little puddle of drool on James Potter's pillow. She lifts her head, and then stills, absorbing the feel of James' body curled around her from behind. His arm is loosely draped over her middle, and the weight of it feels good. Lily adjusts a little, sitting up so she can peek over his sleeping form.<p>

When she catches sight of the clock on his nightstand, she frowns. It's half past six, which means his parents will be up and about soon. They're morning people, which is completely beyond Lily, but whatever.

It would be easy for her head to hit the pillow again, to allow herself to go back to sleep. She's warm and drowsy, and it feels nice, the way they're positioned, but she didn't think to bring her morning meds, and she also doesn't want her introduction to his parents to coincide with her wearing yesterday's clothes, after spending the night in their son's room.

She can go either way with parents, but she likes to at least attempt to start on the right foot, like she did with Hope Lupin.

So she scoots away from him, replacing the arm that was draped over her so it's by his side. She takes a moment, just a small one purely for herself, to brush her fingers over his before slipping out of bed and looking for her shoes.

Once she's back at the apartment, where Remus smiles knowingly over his coffee cup, Lily takes her meds, tells him to fuck off with his smug look, and crawls into bed.

When she wakes up a few hours later, trying to decide how much coffee it will take for her to be able to make it to her shift at the café and actually function, there's a text from James.

_8:12  
>James: hey if you see a little spoon around will u tell her she missed A+ waffles this morning?<em>

**10:32  
>Lily: I'll let her know<strong>

**10:32  
>Lily: but more importantly<strong>

**10:33  
>Lily: were they frozen? ? <strong>

_10:34  
>James: how dare u<em>

**10:34  
>Lily: no lying<strong>

_10:35  
>James: ok yeah they were<em>

**10:39  
>Lily: I'd like 2 be big spoon next time btw<strong>

Lily finger combs the snarls in her hair after she hits send, imagining the array of faces he might pull when he gets her text. She likes to think he'd smile, the slow one that picks up speed until it's taking over his entire face, because he wants a next time as much as she does.

_10:40  
>James: done<em>

* * *

><p>Lily is counting her tips, trying to figure out if she should laugh or cry over how shitty they are, when Remus shows up.<p>

He's got his backpack hitched over one shoulder, a black beanie jammed over this morning's bedhead, and by the time he takes a seat at the counter, she's already pouring him a giant cup of coffee, black, to-go.

"If you guys ever start selling coffee by the gallon, let me know."

"You'll be the first. What are you doing here?"

Remus frowns at her, furrowing his brow like he's actually put out. It's a cute look, one that Lily's built up an immunity to over the years.

"I can't visit you at work?"

"You can, but you don't. Not when it's cold out, and I'll be home in like twenty minutes. Spill."

"I want to paint my bedroom," he blurts and immediately starts picking at the lid of his cup.

"Okay. Does it have to be today?"

"No…"

"But?" Lily prompts.

"But, okay, yeah, today would be good."

Lily gestures for him to go on, so she can listen and wipe down the counter at the same time.

"I just want a change. School is sucking my will to live, and I'm tired of things being complicated with Sirius."

"School is going to suck a little longer, and then you have a massive winter break. And with Sirius," Lily finishes wiping everything down and begins untying her apron.

"Can things be un-complicated?"

"If I knew, I wouldn't be giving in to the paint impulse."

"That's a good point. You have a color picked out?"

"Blue. It's in my backpack."

"Alright. You have rollers, too?"

* * *

><p>As it turns out, Lily does a lot of the painting. Remus does the talking.<p>

He'll manage a few rolls, and then he steps back, talking with his hands and unpacking all of the shit that's been taking up space in his mind, recently. Unsurprisingly, there's a lot to get through. At least two coats worth.

Lily doesn't mind. Painting is relaxing. She likes the repetitive movements and it's satisfying to watch the walls go from white to a moody blue. They're waiting for the first coat to dry, seated in the middle of the room and sharing a bowl of popcorn when Remus says, "I just want things to be normal."

"It seems like it's been getting better. Is it getting better?"

"It has been," Remus sighs and rubs a hand over his face. Lily will tell him later that it's left some blue on his cheek.

"But, at the same time, it's messed up. He's still drinking too much, telling me it's fine, not a big deal. But it is. It changes his mood, and makes him do stupid shit, but he thinks I'm just being uptight."

"Oh, boy."

"I'm mad that I didn't see it sooner, you know? So it's still strained, and I'm tired of thinking about it."

"If it makes you feel better, which I don't think it will, but, you know, I didn't see it, either. He's always been the life of the party, but I didn't realize it was a problem until Halloween."

"That makes two of us. It was always a source of tension, but I'd get over it, and he'd promise to work on it. It just kind of came to a head."

Lily munches on a handful of popcorn, considering the situation.

"Are you thinking about ending it?"

Remus looks genuinely pained. There's a flash of hurt that he can't quite hide, and it gives more insight than anything he'll say directly. He glances down at his feet, shrugging.

"It's crossed my mind."

"But?"

"But, I…ah."

"Ah," Lily agrees.

Because it's all well and fine to talk the talk about breaking up, but it's not so easy once that invisible line between _really like_ and _actually in love_ is crossed. She gets it, but it makes her sad to think that he might be staying because he can't bear to do anything else.

"Let me ask you something," she starts.

"Go for it."

"If I was in the relationship you're in, and you were giving me your honest opinion about whether or not to end it, what would you say?"

"That's a little evil."

"It's perspective."

Remus goes back to rubbing his face for awhile, and Lily waits, happy to munch popcorn and steal his beer to wash it down.

"I think…" he says, eventually.

"I'd tell you that it's okay to hang on if you're both working on it. It's okay to get tired and tap out, but it's also okay to have a little hope."

Lily nods, a little impressed, and Remus snags his beer out of her grasp, snorting when he realizes it's empty.

"That's pretty good, Remus."

"Yeah, we'll see if I can take my own advice."

Lily wanders into the kitchen to fetch more beer and comes back to help him finish off the popcorn as they both take stock of the new wall color. Remus isn't sure, now that they've actually gone through with it, but Lily thinks it looks good, mellow.

"So," Remus says in the exact tone of voice that lets her know a deliberate conversation is about to happen.

"So?"

"You got home at an interesting time this morning."

Lily tosses a popcorn kernel at him, but he's undeterred.

"So subtle."

"You just looked really happy when you came in, that's all."

"Is that all?"

"Well," Remus draws it out, giving her a nudge, and a gentle smile, one that isn't teasing, but really happy about whatever's happening or _could_ happen.

"If you want to tell me about it, I'd be willing to listen."

"I'll let you know when there's more to tell."

Lily begins wrapping the paint rollers in plastic bags so they don't dry out before they get the next coat on the walls. Remus uses the butt of a screwdriver to hammer the paint lid into place. When he's done, he tugs lightly on Lily's ponytail to get her attention.

"You know, it's really okay if you want to talk about it. I know it's James, and my relationship is a pain in the ass right now. But if you're happy, I want to be happy with you."

Lily abandons the rollers and brushes her hands off on her jeans, getting off any unwanted blue.

"We fell asleep together last night. Just for a few hours before I came home for meds and real sleep."

His expression softens. She can see sadness lurking there, but it's mostly happiness for her and the tenderness that he's picked up on whenever he's watched them interacting.

"That sounds really good."

"It was. I didn't want to leave, but I had to due to poor planning. And I wanted to avoid making meeting the parents weird."

"Maybe next time you can stay the whole night."

"I think that's the plan. Baby steps, so far."

"Baby steps are perfect."

* * *

><p>Lily brings about ten boxes of red Jell-O with her when she visits her dad. It's not a peace offering because if she's being honest, she's not sorry about throwing the remote and losing her temper. But she's also quicker to let it go since he's the one dying.<p>

She doesn't forgive him for screwing her up a little, for not loving her enough, and making their house unbalanced and cold. Maybe she will, eventually. Probably not.

Mostly she thinks it doesn't matter one way or the other because it's just Jell-O.

"Dave?"

She's used to him being parked in front of the TV, wearing his blue robe or pajamas that droop a little on his thinning body. Tonight, he's not there. The TV is on, but the couch is empty. She dumps her bag near the door and checks his room, first. Nothing. The bed is made, nothing looks disturbed. She feels a small stab of worry.

She's passing by the bathroom, on her way into the kitchen to check if he's at the table, when she notices the closed door.

"Dad?"

She knocks once before pushing the door open. She's not sure what to expect but it's a shock to find him slumped against the bathtub. He's naked and sprawled at an awkward angle, his expression determined and pain-filled. One arm is slung over the edge of the tub and he's grunting with the effort to get up when he catches sight of her.

His expression immediately shifts from agony to near-rage.

"Get the hell out!"

Lily ignores him and rushes in. She looks around, like she hasn't been in this same bathroom a million times before, because it looks completely foreign when she's panicking. She locates his towel on the rack and yanks it off so she can spread it over him as she comes down on her knees.

She silently begins her assessment, trying to figure out if he's concussed or broken anything, bleeding or bruised, and it only pisses him off more.

"Did you hit your head?"

"It's fine, Lily, Christ."

"It's not fine! I need to know what happened so I can figure out if we need an ambulance."

"I was stepping out and felt a little dizzy. Hit my back on the way down. Now get out."

He's still muttering at her to get out as she helps him stand. It isn't easy because he's weak and she has to figure out the best way to haul him up without hurting them both. She ends up with both arms hooked beneath his armpits, silently sucking in a deep breath as they get him, shakily, to stand.

The next order of business is getting his robe on him, taking it slow, one arm at a time, and then belting it without looking down, to rescue his dignity. The trip from the bathroom to the couch is a slow one. He's still dizzy and they need to stop every few feet for him to rest.

Lily clutches the belt of his robe in one hand and his arm in the other, like she has a prayer of keeping him from going down if the dizziness gets to be too much. He's lost an unhealthy amount of weight, but he's still tall, towering over her, and she's pretty sure she wouldn't be much help if he fell again.

When he's finally settled on the couch, Lily moves on autopilot. She grabs a pair of pajamas and the warmest looking pair of socks she can find from his dresser. On the way to the living room, she makes a detour into the kitchen where she throws a blanket in the dryer, setting the timer for fifteen minutes.

He eyes her mistrustfully as she takes his feet in her hands, rolling the socks on and then holding out the pajama bottoms. He looks adamantly against her silent order, and she feels her patience dwindle.

"You have to get into something."

"You're not dressing me like I'm a goddamn baby."

"You want to freeze? Neither of us has a choice, okay? These go on, and then the shirt's a piece of cake."

They stare at each other for a long moment, twin green glares, both determined and unwilling to budge. He caves, because, what other choice do they have? Lily helps him stand, again, pressing a hand against his back to keep him steady. When he seems stable enough, she holds out the pants for him to step into, one leg at a time, and then helps him ease back down.

Lily collects the blanket from the dryer and hurries into the living room to spread it over him, making sure to tuck it under his feet. He looks startled by the gesture, and she stops. It's just a momentary hiccup while she's in the process of covering him because it reminds her of her mom, and how she'd do the same for her and Petunia when they were little and didn't feel well. She'd give them a bath and then help them into their pajamas. A warm blanket, fresh from the dryer would be waiting when they got into bed.

He notices her hesitation and clears his throat. He can't even look at her when he says, "Thanks, kid."

"Yeah, okay."

Lily busies herself with finding something for him to watch, her movements a little jerky as she stabs the channel buttons on the remote and drops it back on the table.

"I'll go see what dinner's going to look like," she says to the room in general, because she can't look at him either.

In the kitchen she makes sure she's out of sight before she leans against the wall. She's a little shaky and she tilts her head back and closes her eyes, pulling it together before she reaches into her back pocket and pulls out her phone, punching in the number she's memorized.

"Hello?"

"Vernon," Lily clears her throat and pinches the bridge of her nose. She drops into one of the chairs surrounding the kitchen table and tries to even her voice.

"Hi. Is Petunia there?"

"It's dinnertime. Surely-"

"Vernon, _please_ put my sister on the phone."

Lily hears his huff, with all the bluster behind it as the phone is handed off. He does it, she thinks, because he's always been a little unnerved by her. She's the freak, after all. The exact opposite of Petunia's overwhelming normalcy.

Sometimes it works in her favor.

"Lily, what's going on?"

Lily digs the heel of her hand into one eye, exhales carefully before speaking.

"Dad fell."

"Is he hurt?"

"Probably bruised, just… I think we might have to arrange more visits from the nurse."

"How do you suggest we pay for that?"

Petunia's whisper turns into a hiss, which grates on Lily more than she can express with words.

"I don't know, okay? But he's getting weaker, so either we ignore it and let him spend some more quality time on the floor, or we do something about it."

"Vernon's already footing half the bill for his care, Lily-"

"-I'm very aware of that fact."

There's a heavy silence on both ends as they consider their next move.

"Well," Petunia says briskly, "since you've quit school, I'm sure you can put in more time helping with daddy. I would, but I've got quite a lot on my plate, as it is."

Lily physically bites back the first reply that comes to mind. She rubs a hand over her face and just focuses on the act of breathing so she doesn't launch the phone across the room.

"Lily?"

"I'm here. Yeah, sounds great."

"I realize money is an issue for you. You'll be compensated-"

"-No, it's fine. Look, I have to go."

* * *

><p>Lily hands the majority of the check Vernon cuts her over to Remus. She considers shredding it, but reality sets in, and she doesn't have it in her to turn it down if it can help everyone a little.<p>

He looks down at the slip of paper for a few moments, puzzlement turning into disbelief as he notes who it's from.

"What the hell is all this?"

"It's for rent while I'm staying with Dave. I'm going to be working less, so please just shut up and take it."

"And what are you supposed to live on?"

"I tucked a little away. Enough for food and meds. I'll be fine."

She's not so sure about the last part. Obviously Remus isn't either because he pulls her into a hug, halting her half-hearted packing. She's breathing in the cologne clinging to his hoodie when his hold tightens and one hands comes up to cradle the back of her head. His fingers softly rake through her hair because he's always tried to be gentle when the world comes down a little too hard on her.

"You don't have to go back there."

Her fingers clutch his sweater and she closes her eyes, silently acknowledging the truth in that.

"I know."

Lily steps back and turns away to finish cramming a few shirts into her bag. Remus looks far from convinced.

"Do you? Petunia thinks she can throw her money at the situation so she doesn't have to deal with it. That puts a lot of strain on you."

"I can't really blame her. If I married some asshole with money, I'd do the same."

"Hey," he hip checks her, and she knows he's serious about all of this because he's not letting it drop.

"I'm worried about you going back there. You don't have a good track record with that house."

"I won't be there all the time. Just a few nights, a little more checking in."

"Just," Remus fidgets a little, gestures vaguely, making her smile.

"If it's bad, will you tell me?"

"I'll tell you."

"Okay."

* * *

><p>Lily is ready for bed, a little unnerved about being in her childhood bedroom, when she gets the call. The number flashes on the screen and she smiles a little, surprised.<p>

"Hey, Mary."

"Lily, hi. Is it too late to call?"

"No, it's fine."

Lily gets into bed and piles blankets on top of her. She hears a quiet hitch in Mary's breathing and frowns.

"Mare? You okay?"

"No," the word is whispered, and Lily knows she's crying.

"Hey, what's up? You can tell me."

And she means it. The breakup was rough on both of them. It came out of nowhere, and had a lot to do with Lily being unable to handle something long distance. It was painful, but it's good to hear from her. There's been just enough time that it doesn't sting, and she's able to miss Mary for her friendship, which always came first with them.

"I really hate it here," Mary says in a rush.

"I thought I just needed to adjust, but the job isn't working, and my coworkers are shitheads. I miss the work I was doing before, and I don't know how long I'm supposed to tough this out…"

"Are you thinking of coming back?"

"I don't know," she says miserably.

"My parents are telling me to stick it out. They won't find a place for me if I move back, or help pay for it."

Mary blows her nose and Lily can imagine her huddled in her fabulous apartment, feeling miserable and homesick.

"Look, if you need a getaway plan, there's room for you at our place. I'm staying with Dave for awhile, so you could have my room until I'm back."

"I'm such an asshole. How are _you_? How is everything with Dave?"

"Hard," Lily admits.

"He's getting worse, so I'll be here more."

"You hate that house," Mary says quietly, echoing Remus' concerns without realizing it.

"It isn't so bad, now. Listen, if you want I can talk to Remus tomorrow and get back to you."

Mary's voice sounds watery when she speaks again.

"Yeah, that would be…I'd really appreciate that, Lily."

"We'll see what we can do. You can text me mean stuff about your coworkers tomorrow if it would make you feel better."

"I'll keep that in mind," her voice softens, trembling a little with emotion.

"Thank you, Lily. Text me anytime, too, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Will do. I'll talk to you later."

"Goodnight, Lily."

"Night, Mary."

* * *

><p>An: Thank you, as always, for your reviews and comments. I love hearing what you think as we move forward and it keeps me motivated.


	6. Breathing underwater

A/n The chapter title is from a Metric song, which is one of many that I listened to writing this. Also, Metric and Harry Potter, and anything related, are not mine.

And, for the record, my firstborn will be named after Gwendolynn, who was the first one to send in a review for the previous chapter. Want me to name my spawn after you? Drop a review with your thoughts about the story.

(But, really, I read and love each review. Thank you)

* * *

><p><strong>6 years ago<strong>

_Lily was sprawled in bed, bored beyond words, when the taps sounded. She sat up, a wicked smile blooming as she scrambled off the bed to throw open her bedroom window._

_Remus was the first to appear. His head popped into view, followed by a goofy grin as he grunted and clambered through only to fall gracelessly onto the floor._

_"You could have used the back door, freaks," Lily pointed out when Alice's freshly dyed purple hair appeared. Alice merely grinned as Lily hauled her inside the cramped bedroom._

_"We didn't want to chance your mom freaking out," Alice explained._

_"She won't be home for another hour at least."_

_"Then why don't we go out?" Remus jammed a cigarette between his lips and lit up, taking a quick drag before passing it to Lily._

_"Grab Petunia's body pillow and mess up your blankets."_

_"She won't know the difference."_

_Lily shrugged, passing the cigarette to Alice, who blew a perfect smoke ring, shooting a triumphant smile at her friends._

_Lily was currently on lock down, because, apparently in the Evans household, cutting a few classes was a mortal sin. It was pretty much a joke, considering what Lily and Petunia got up to without their parents knowing, but every so often, her mom wanted to feel in control and banished one of her kids to their room for a day or two._

_Lily's sentence happened to come down on a Friday, which meant no going out so she could lie low until her mom forgot about it._

_"It's not like anything's going on, anyway."_

_"Party at Prewett's," Alice pointed out._

_Remus winced, making a grab for the cigarette before Alice could keep showing off and ended up smoking the whole thing._

_"No go."_

_"And why is that?" Lily had an idea, but she wanted to hear him say it._

_"Awkward hookup with one of the sisters. Can't chance running into her."_

_"We're not avoiding every party for the rest of the year just because you suck in bed."_

_"I do not-"_

_"-the dude doth protest-"_

_The teasing bickering was cut off when an abrupt bang sounded somewhere downstairs. All at once, their chatter cut off as each of them froze in place. Lily strained to pick up any other sounds but came up with nothing because no one else was home or due back. Petunia was staying the night with friends, her mom wouldn't be home so soon, and Dave had a few hours until last call._

_Another bang. The three friends flinched._

_Lily felt a sick churning in her gut as she dropped to her knees beside her bed and began feeling around._

_"Look, it's probably nothing," Remus started._

_Finally, Lily's hands connected with the bat. She jammed it under one arm and got to her feet, soundlessly going to her bedroom door and twisting the handle._

_"Lily, I don't know-"_

_"-overreacting-"_

_Lily rounded on her friends, eyeing them pointedly._

_"If you don't shut up, I swear-"_

_On the other side of the door, muffled voices turned into boisterous laughter and whooping. Without time to consider anything other than finding out exactly what was happening, Lily threw open her bedroom door. She barreled down the stairs, making as much noise as possible, Remus and Alice hot on her heels._

_It took her less than a moment to take in the scene before her. Dave was passed out on the couch, snoring gently, practically dead to the world after blowing a decent chunk of payday on his Friday night binge. Two guys she recognized from the neighborhood were making a grab for his battered leather wallet on the coffee table, where the rest of the money was stashed, when Remus surged forward and threw his arms around the neck of the guy who was closest to the wallet._

_"What the fuck?"_

_Remus tightened his hold and brought his legs up in an attempt to wrap around his middle. His face started to redden with effort as the guy began swinging belligerently to buck him off._

_"Remus, drop!"_

_He did as Lily ordered, rolling onto the floor with a wince. Without hesitating, Lily brought the bat down between the guy's shoulder blades, satisfied when he cried out and fell, slumping against the wall, out like a light._

_Lily turned toward the other guy, who appeared to be weighing his options and whether he could make a grab for the wallet and getting out. Before Lily could start swinging, or Remus could attempt another act of stupidity, his eyes were widening. Lily saw a flash of purple and then Alice was at her side, hurling a white, blunt object at the guy's head._

_Direct hit. _

_The man staggered back, bringing a hand up to rub at his temple with a muttered curse. They didn't waste their opportunity to act. Lily used the end of the bat to prod him in the direction on the door, while Alice and Remus crowded him, adding to his drunken stumbling. When Lily hauled open the door, Remus gave him a swift kick in the ass so he stumbled over the threshold and staggered off the porch and into the night._

_"Help me get the other one out."_

_Remus grabbed the upper body, while Lily and Alice each grabbed a leg. They shuffled in the general direction of the door, grunting with the effort of moving his dead weight. When they finally deposited him on the porch, they hurried inside and locked the door behind them._

_Breathing heavily, the three friends slumped against the door._

_Dave snored on. Lily glanced down at the white object near her feet that Alice had thrown with startling precision._

_"Alice, you threw the fucking toaster?"_

_"First thing I saw."_

_Remus prodded it with his foot and they all caught sight of the smeared blood on one edge._

_"Can't argue with results," he said dryly._

_Lily slapped a hand over her mouth. She closed her eyes, trying to drag in deep, even breaths, but it was too late. A laugh slipped out of her, and then she was shaking with it. Alice struck a triumphant pose, and then she and Remus were gone, too, laughing so hard they doubled over._

_Not wanting to risk waking Dave, Lily kept a firm hand over her mouth as she swiped his wallet off the table and tucked it into her back pocket. The three friends were choking on their laughter as they took to the stairs and bolted into the safety of Lily's room, where they fell into bed, letting out their laughter and tension in equal measures._

* * *

><p><strong>Present day<strong>

"I can't look."

Lily sets a bowl of cereal in front of her dad, receiving a grunt of acknowledgement. Remus is still tripping over his words on the other end of the phone when she checks the milk in the fridge and discovers that it expired at least a week earlier.

"Looks like we're having toast."

Another grunt. She pops four slices into the toaster and turns back to the conversation at hand.

"Remus, you have to look eventually."

"I can't. There's a really good chance I'm failing stats, and if that happens I'm going to throw up."

"He's being a giant baby, Lily!" Mary chimes in, in the background.

She's been at their place for a little over a week, and it's been weird seeing her, having her in the apartment, especially when Lily's barely living there part time, but it's nice, too. Familiar.

"Remus," Lily says quietly, firmly.

After a beat of silence she hears him sigh and then a few clicks as he presumably logs on to the website to check his grades. The toast pops up and Lily butters it, passes her dad the jam, before dropping into the chair across from him and waiting for the verdict from Remus.

"Oh, thank God."

"I told you!"

"Yes, I know you did."

"What do you have, so far?"

"All A's."

"We fucking knew it!" Mary cries, still in the background.

Lily smiles as Remus huffs out a relieved sigh.

"Yeah. Good. Stats is going to be the death of me, though."

"You have, like, two assignments and then exams. You'll be fine."

"I'll be fine," Remus repeats, able to believe it with the worst over with. She hears some shuffling on his end, like he's re-locating, before he asks, "So, Dave has chemo today?"

"Ah, yeah."

"What time? I have a lecture at eleven, and then I'm free."

"Later. I'm taking him over, then I have my own thing, and back to get him."

Lily takes a bite of toast, ignoring her father's look, the one that points out that he knows he's being discussed.

"Do you think you could swing sleeping over tonight?"

"Done. I'll bring dinner."

Lily considers the spoiled milk and state of the cupboards and grins.

"Bless you."

"I know. Good luck, today."

"Thanks. See you later."

Lily is nearly finished with her breakfast when her dad breaks the silence.

"That your boyfriend?"

Lily looks so startled that he changes gears.

"Girlfriend?"

Still swamped with shock, Lily merely shakes her head.

"Remus…he lived down the street?"

"Hope's boy," her dad nods, like it's completely normal for him to know any aspect of her life.

"You knew Hope?"

"Met her a few times. And Remus was always over here. Your mom used to worry about him knocking you up."

"Holy shit."

Lily drops her head in both hands, laughing with sheer disbelief. When she looks up again her dad just shrugs, reaching for the morning paper.

"He's, uh…bringing dinner tonight."

"And spending the night, from what I heard."

"You heard right."

He grunts and flicks open the paper.

"Am I supposed to ask permission or something?"

"Never stopped you when you were younger. Don't see why it would now."

Lily snorts as she gathers up their dishes. She makes a mental note to grab milk and some other staples when she gets paid, then returns to the table, where he's pretending to read.

"If I had to ask your permission every time I wanted something, it would have meant scouring every bar in the city to find you. And mom was always working, so I got the run of the place."

"You turned out alright," he says after a few beats of silence.

Lily chooses to let that one go. She leaves him reading the paper and heads upstairs to grab a shower.

* * *

><p>It takes twenty bucks and a little begging, but Lily is able to work out a deal with their neighbor so she can use their truck to get her dad to the hospital.<p>

If it was anything else, they could have taken the bus, but the doctor warned that his immune system would be shot, and they should try to keep him away from other people who might get him sick. Lily cranks the heat and enjoys the drive, and the break from public transportation. She keeps the radio on low and checks her dad out from the corner of her eye every few minutes.

She wonders how he's feeling. Lily tries to put herself in his place and decides that she'd be afraid. Not just of treatment, but the whole cancer thing. She knows what it's for your body and mind to act in ways that are beyond control, and it's scary, but what she's got isn't fatal.

It might be for him, and that's a scary thing to face.

Once she parks near the door, he waves her off, but she goes in with him. She follows his lead, and when he's situated in a chair, speaking to the nurse prepping him, Lily pulls aside another nurse, feeling a little nervous.

"Hi, I'm Lily Evans. Dave's daughter? I have a few questions-"

"-I'm sure I can find someone-"

"-look, I have my own appointment to get to, and I just…I need to know what to expect when I pick him up. I just started taking care of him…"

The woman glances at the clock over Lily's shoulder a little impatiently, but gives her a quick rundown.

"He's usually tired. He's had problems with mouth sores, sometimes flu symptoms. There's a prescription you can fill for nausea, and I can give you some literature when you come back. It'll cover everything, and who you can call if he gets bad."

"That would be great, thank you."

The woman, as if sensing Lily's stress, places a hand on her shoulder. She gives it a quick squeeze and then tells Lily that everything will be waiting for her when she gets back. Lily nods slowly before making her way back to her dad. He's already hooked up and he looks a little impatient when she lingers, toying with the zipper of her coat.

"I'll be back in twenty minutes, tops."

"Alright."

"You'll be okay?" Lily says in a rush. She can't explain it, but the sight of him sitting there, looking tired already and grouchy, the grumpy look she remembers from her childhood, makes her throat tighten.

"This place is like a goddamn Club Med. Go."

"Okay, yeah. I'm going."

Instead of taking the truck, she walks the few blocks to her destination. After heading through a series of winding halls, she arrives so she can wait in line to get to the receptionist. When the window slides open, Lily offers a weak smile.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I need to cancel my next two appointments with Helen. I can, uh, reschedule as soon as I get my new work schedule."

_Lie. Lie. Lie_.

"Okay, no problem. Name?"

"Evans, Lily."

The woman's hands fly over the keyboard in a quick burst, and then she smiles at Lily, handing her a printed form to show the now cancelled appointments with her therapist.

"All set."

"Okay, thanks."

Lily jams the paper in her pocket and makes a quick exit. She takes a few moments for herself, grabbing a coffee and sipping it slowly before heading inside to collect her dad.

* * *

><p>After some careful planning, Remus shows up with chicken noodle soup from one of the places near campus. The noodles are misshapen and the chicken and vegetables are fresh, all homemade and one thing Lily remembers fondly from her time living on campus.<p>

"They threw in some fresh bread, crackers, the works."

Lily slices the bread while Remus ladles the soup into three bowls. They end up in the living room, sitting shoulder to shoulder on the floor while her dad is bundled up on the couch. They watch Jeopardy and then sit through the nightly news, which is the point when her dad nods off. He barely touched his soup, but he got enough in him that Lily feels okay about it when she hands the bowl over to Remus.

He starts putting things away in the kitchen while Lily adjusts her dad so he'll be more comfortable. She adds an extra blanket, just in case, and by the time she heads upstairs with Remus, she's exhausted from her day.

While Remus changes and brushes his teeth in the bathroom, she locates a pair of pajamas and gets into them on autopilot so she can fall into bed. She's got part of the comforter covering her and one leg hanging over the bed when Remus comes back in. She's nearly asleep when he nudges her over, settles the blanket over the rest of her.

"Thank you for coming over," she says sleepily.

"I'm glad you asked me to. The apartment's weird without you."

"And for bringing soup. Dave even liked it."

She slurs her words a little as the fatigue drags at her.

"Okay, time for sleep."

The light goes out and the mattress dips again as Remus settles back against the pillow next to hers. Lily blinks over in his direction once, gratefully, before sleep claims her.

* * *

><p>Lily hears the taps and comes awake with a jolt. Remus is still next to her, breathing deeply, probably drooling on the pillow his face is buried into, and for a long moment, Lily is confused. She feels like she's sixteen again, with her friends tapping at her window so she'll let them up.<p>

Some of the fog of sleep clears and she goes from confused to curious. She gets out of bed, bringing one of the blankets with her to stay warm as she pads over to the window. With a twitch of the curtain she glances down to find James Potter standing under a streetlight, both hands shoved into his jeans to stay warm. He catches sight of her and she holds a finger up, asking him to be patient.

Lily moves quietly, picking a sweater off the floor and shrugging it on as she makes her way downstairs. She shoves her feet into a random pair of shoes and moves past her snoring father to step out through the front door.

She crosses her arms over her chest to ward off the cold. They meet halfway between where he's standing and the house.

He's not dressed right for the chilly weather. It makes her want to take each of his hands in hers so she can tuck them into the moderate warmth of her sweater.

_I missed you_, Lily thinks, but the thought recedes when she gets a good look at him. His hair's a wreck, like always, but more so tonight. There are circles beneath his eyes and he's biting the corner of his lip as his gaze lands on her and then moves quickly away.

"What happened to you?"

James plows a hand through his hair, laughs a little.

"I failed a class."

"Shit. Can you take it next semester?"

"It doesn't matter. I've been on track for years and now it's shot to hell-"

"-over one class?"

"It's not just one class! I'm doing fucking terrible in two others. I might be able to scrape by, but my GPA's shot."

"Okay," Lily says quietly.

She knows this is going somewhere. It's like waiting for a car wreck. She wants to walk away before she has to listen to the tangle of metal when it happens.

"And I'm furious at myself, throwing this away because I'm so fucking wrapped up in you-"

He's not even looking at her when he says it, just looking off to one side as it all comes spilling out. She feels forgettable, and she's felt that way before, but never with him. The feeling grows when it becomes clear that he can't even look at her.

"Don't."

It comes out like a whisper, so Lily puts some strength behind it, forcing James to stop, to not just stall the flow of words, but to actually _look_ at her, standing out there with him in the cold.

"Don't pin this on me."

"I'm not pinning anything on you. We were hanging out all the time and I got distracted-"

"-and what? You wanted to come here and punish me for it? Is that why you haven't been texting me back? Sure showed me-"

"-and the thing that gets me, the thing that's screwing me up is that I don't even know where I stand with you now that she's back," his voice cracks and he looks exhausted and vulnerable as he rubs a hand over the back of his neck, but she feels cold, inside and out, listening to him.

"You talk about how glad you are that Mary's back, and how good it is to see her and be around her, and I feel like I'm just twisting in the wind."

He throws one arm out as he says it. Lily watches the movement, wanting to laugh because nothing about it is funny, but it beats feeling the way she does now.

"If you were so worried about whether I was getting back together with her or not, you could have asked me about it. Or asked me out yourself."

She feels her anger mount because it's the middle of the night and she has to be up early, and more than that, when she saw him through the window, she thought, maybe, something good might happen.

And it's the exact opposite.

"But you didn't. And I was okay taking my time, but apparently that hasn't been enough for you. My mistake."

She does laugh, and his head perks up, startled by the sound.

"So, I'm sorry you're blowing your future. Hopefully you can get it on track so some Ivy League school will still kiss your ass. But I'm not apologizing for you being chicken shit and taking this all out on me."

She spares him one more look, and then she's walking away. She's almost to the steps when she hears him whisper a quick, "Fuck", under his breath. He takes a few steps toward her and she rounds on him, halting his progress before he can get to the first step.

"Lily..."

"I'm going inside, and I'd like you to leave."

* * *

><p><strong>Four days later<strong>

Remus Lupin does not seek out James Potter.

Why would he? After the initial conversation with Lily about what happened outside the house, the subject is dropped. And if Lily looks too tired over the next few days, like falling asleep is suddenly the most difficult thing in the world, and her appetite starts to disappear, so she picks at meals without being able to get them down, they pretend it has nothing to do with the argument.

Lily pretends, maybe, but Remus can only do it for so long.

He is fresh out of his creative nonfiction class, grabbing a drink from the on-campus café when he catches sight of James. He halts mid-step before re-routing. James is tucked away in the corner, removed from the friends chatting between classes and the study groups that are clustered together, fondling their note cards anxiously.

His dark head is bent over a book, but as Remus gets closer it becomes apparent that James is actually making steady eye contact with the table, like he can't see what's right in front of him.

Remus drops his bag on the tabletop and smiles when James jerks upright, startled and looking like hell warmed over. He also looks like he knows exactly how Remus is feeling towards him, but decides to take his chances, anyway.

"How's Lily?"

"May I?"

Remus gestures to the chair across from James and drops into it without waiting for a reply.

"If she wanted you to know how she's doing, she'd tell you."

James nods, running a hand over the back of his neck. He looks uncomfortable and out of sorts, and Remus isn't in a hurry to ease that discomfort.

"I've tried calling, she won't-"

"I don't care," Remus says coolly. He leans in, planting his elbows on the table, and lowers his voice so James has to do the same to catch what he has to say.

"What you pulled the other night? That was a dick move. Maybe it's escaped your notice, but Lily has a lot going on right now. She must have liked you because she was willing to fit you into all that chaos."

Remus lets that sink in before continuing.

"And you fucked up. You made assumptions and you guilted her on something that you should be owning up to. I know you're Sirius' best friend, and I'm supposed to give you the benefit of the doubt so things will be good between all of us. But I actually don't give a shit, and you need to know that."

James nods. He looks like he needs something to do with his hands so he wraps them around his empty coffee cup as he meets Remus' steady look.

"I know. I...wanted to see her that night because I was upset, and it all came out. I was stupid and said everything in the worst way possible. I just want the chance to apologize, okay?"

"That's up to her."

"You're not going to tell her about this, are you?"

"No. Why bother?"

James slumps back in his chair, looking like he's absorbing everything that's been said, as Remus grabs his bag and moves to zip his coat. He slings his bag over one shoulder, considering the other man for a moment before speaking.

"You know, when I first met you, I liked you right away. You've been good to Sirius, and you're easy to like. People look up to you, and I've seen them fall over themselves because your family's well known."

Remus adjusts the strap of his bag, shakes his head a little, more disappointed than anything.

"But all of that combined? You're still not good enough for her."

Remus catches the moment James winces. His neutral expression slips so something that looks like regret radiates through. Remus tucks that away and doesn't make a move toward the door until James nods his head in silent agreement, then back to looking down at the table.

_Message received. _


	7. Modern girls & old fashion men

**A/n **This chapter is named after a song by Regina Spektor and The Strokes...mostly for the end parts of what I was writing. I'm into it. If you haven't heard it, give it a try.

As far as warnings: Ongoing mentions of cancer, nsfw scene at the end. It's the very last scene so you can skip right over it if you'd like. I think that's about it.

Just wanted to mention- calypso, your review honestly made me laugh out loud.

Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful reviews. I love them all.

**6 years ago**

* * *

><p><em>Lily and Remus had plans for the summer. Nothing too structured because that would ruin the entire point of being out of school and able to do whatever they wanted, but there were plans in place.<em>

_Remus was going to play on the park soccer league. He was good, and he wanted to use the time to sharpen his edge. Lily would watch his games, and a few times a week he'd take the bus with her so they could check out the traveling displays at the Museum of Science and Industry. _

_Hope Lupin gave Lily a museum pass for her birthday, something Lily would still blush over if she thought about it too much, but that wouldn't stop her from using it so she could check out absolutely everything. _

_The other, less official plans included lifting a few cans of her dad's beer and sitting around under the el tracks, grinning at each other when it rumbled overhead and drowned out whatever they were thinking or talking about. At some point, Alice was going to get a tattoo, and they swore they'd go with her and wouldn't laugh too much if she chickened out. _

_Lily liked thinking of their plans when she was working at Burger Shack, wearing a uniform that was so grease-soaked, that no amount of washing would get it out. She thought about the museum, and sitting in the bleachers with Alice or one of the other girls from her grade to watch the boys play, when she was cleaning up after the seniors who left behind fries, smeared ketchup and sticky soda stains for her to clean up._

_So, when Remus started ditching her, she didn't take it well. _

_The first time, Hope answered the door with an apologetic smile and said that Remus wasn't feeling too well. Lily was bummed, but understood, and went back to her house, grabbing the beers out of her bag and putting them back in the fridge for her dad to get to. _

_But it wasn't a one time thing. A week went by, then another. She texted him and wouldn't get a response. He was never around when Lily stopped by his house._

_Nothing. _

_Eventually, deciding that she needed to know one way or another whether he was ditching her for good, Lily made a midnight trek to the Lupin home. She felt a small stab of guilt over sneaking into Remus' room without asking, but the window was open and if he didn't have the guts to talk to her about it, she had to take matters into her own hands._

_It was easy enough to shove the window all the way up and crawl inside the bedroom. All the lights were off, so she fumbled a little, nearly knocking over the pile of crap on his desk, and nearly jumped out of her skin when the light turned on overhead and Remus approached her. His eyes were red rimmed and he had one fist raised and hauled back like he was going to hit her._

_On instinct, Lily held both hands up, bracing herself._

_"What the fuck?"_

_"It's me. Sorry. I, ah-"_

_"-could have broken your nose!"_

_"Yeah, fine, but I wouldn't be here if you'd cut the shit and just tell me you don't want to hang out anymore."_

_Remus reared back, and Lily was struck again by the wetness on his cheeks coupled with the look of disbelief he was giving her._

_"I'm not ditching you."_

_"Okay," Lily shrugged, like it wasn't actually a huge deal to her._

_"I mean it. I'm not."_

_"Then why aren't you around? You've missed two games, and I've had to go to the museum on my own, which isn't a huge deal. You just...promised, you know?__"_

_Remus looked pained and scrubbed a hand over his hair. Avoiding eye contact, he motioned for Lily to have a seat on the bed. She sat on the very edge, practically staring a hole in his head as she traced his movement over to the light switch._

_The lights went out. A few seconds later, the mattress dipped under his weight as he sat next to her. She could feel one of his knees bouncing slightly, an anxiety tell, and Lily slowly placed her hand on the knee, finding her way in the dark. _

_The movement ceased and then Remus linked their fingers together._

_"I…something's wrong with me, I guess."_

_Lily squeezed his hand. He returned the gesture, and his breathing became a little ragged._

_"The doctors thought it was just growing pains; that I was overreacting. But after the first practice, I had to go to the hospital. There's something wrong with my joints. It's been bad before, but it's gotten worse. In my legs, mostly."_

_"Okay."_

_"I can't do anything. Mom's missed work to get me to appointments, but they can't do anything but give stuff that makes me all foggy."_

_A tear fell on their clasped hands. She felt the shuddering breath he dragged in. _

_"I can't do anything, Lily. I can't go to the museum with you, or play any more matches. I just sit here, thinking about how I'll never do anything again, that I'm in so much pain, I almost pass out."_

_Lily freed her hand from Remus' grasp so she could turn and put both arms around his shoulders. It was a little hard in the darkness, but Remus' head found her shoulder. He rested it there for some time and Lily wasn't sure if it helped, but she stroked a hand up and down his back until his breathing evened out. _

_"What if I can't ever do anything again?"_

_"I don't know. But I'll still be your friend."_

_"I'll be so boring, though."_

_"Remus, you couldn't be boring if you tried."_

_"You're so full of shit."_

_But when he turned the light back on, he was smiling, at least._

* * *

><p><strong>Present day<strong>

Lily winds up back at the apartment after a shift from hell. She has major hat hair, and the eye makeup that she'd been optimistic about earlier has either been sweated off or now rests beneath her eyes. She's looking forward to a shower, junk TV, and time with friends. A break from Dave time. Some quality time with her beloved, cramped apartment.

She dumps her coat and bag in the doorway, toes off her shoes and shoots a friendly wave at Mary, who's typing away on her laptop at the kitchen table. Mary pauses when she sees Lily, appearing indecisive.

"What's up?"

"James asked about you. Not to me directly because he doesn't know how to function near me. But he asked Sirius if he'd seen you and I happened to be around."

"That's nice," Lily can feel Mary watching her, and she breezes by to grab a snack from the cupboard, the very definition of indifference.

"I'm not going to comment on that due to my ex status."

"I appreciate that."

"There's something else."

Mary fidgets in her chair. Her eyes dart down the hall before returning to Lily.

"Remus is taking a bath."

Her look shifts to apologetic as Lily sets her granola bar on the counter, overcome with apprehension.

"He made me promise not to call you."

"I get it. I'm going to go see," Lily nods in the direction of the bathroom, trailing off.

She grabs a handful of pill bottles from the cupboard, on impulse, before heading down the hall.

"Remus?"

She knocks twice on the bathroom door, rests her forehead against it as she waits for an answer.

"Hey. You're home," his voice calls back, sounding strained.

"I have your pills here, if you need them."

"What gave me away?"

"The bath thing kind of clued me in."

There's a decent stretch of silence and then a quiet sigh on the other side of the door.

"I think I need to start the shots again."

A few months ago he gave up the advised treatment that he'd started when they were teens. It had been helping for awhile, easing the pain of the arthritis that tormented his joints. He stopped treatment with the hope that his remission would continue.

No such luck.

Lily nods, even though he can't see her.

"Okay."

"Can you just set the pills on my nightstand? I'll grab them when I get out."

"Yeah, sure."

It's another twenty minutes before he's out of the tub. He comes out of the bathroom wearing a shirt that's two sizes too big and boxers that slide down his narrow hips. He's shivering a little, but the thought of wearing tight clothing during a flareup outweighs the cold.

He moves slowly. Grabbing the pills with an unsteady hand, he tosses them back all at once and accepts the glass of water from her with a tight smile. They don't speak as he climbs into bed, each movement halting as his face pales from the pain.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Every heating pad we have? And I could use some company if you've got the time."

She smiles at him, like, duh, of course. Always.

* * *

><p>Lily wakes up an hour later to her phone buzzing in her back pocket. She considers ignoring it, but Remus is awake next to her. He's on the edge of sleep, though, barely dozing as Lily looks at him fully.<p>

"Pain level?"

"Low five. I might actually sleep."

"Do it. I'm going to make dinner. We can marathon Chopped when you get up."

"Excellent plan."

Lily gets out of bed, digging her phone out of the depths of her pocket as she steps into the hall.

"Hello?"

"The nurse never showed up."

"Petunia, what-"

"I'm at the hospital with daddy. Vernon's stuck in traffic-"

"She didn't show? Fu-"

"He fell on his way to bed. They're looking him over now."

Petunia continues, rushing over her words frantically until she lets out a sob and goes completely silent.

"Petunia? You still there?"

"Lily, you have to stay with him. We'll give you the money, just please stay with him. Help him…"

"Yeah, okay. Okay," Lily says loudly, over her sister's hysteria.

It's unnerving, and she'd say just about anything to make it stop, to bring back the bossy, distant Petunia she's used to.

Petunia quiets at Lily's words, sniffling a little until she pulls it completely together.

"Okay, good. Excellent. We'll sort out the details soon."

"Sure. Look, I'll meet you at the house tomorrow. I have some things I need to take care of tonight."

Lily ends the call and feels a million years older than when she took it.

"Hey, I made food."

"Okay."

Mary abandons the pot holders covering her hands and tilts her head, scrutinizing Lily.

"Everything okay?"

"Ah, we'll see."

* * *

><p>This time, the check Vernon cuts Lily is so impressive, she almost laughs.<p>

"It's too much."

As usual, when faced with something she doesn't like, Petunia's course of action is to steadfastly ignore it.

"The doctor said he's doing well, all things considered. His treatment's made him weak, but that's to be expected. He only needs help getting around sometimes, so the nurse wasn't even entirely necessary. He'll just need to rest more-"

"-know the drill, thank you."

Petunia's mouth snaps shut. Lily almost feels guilty for the attitude because it's such a clear throwback to when they were living under the same roof. The same snark and venom they took turns spitting at one another.

But Petunia doesn't make things any easier on her, so the feeling quickly passes.

"He's fine, by the way."

"I know he is. He's sitting in the next room-"

"-couldn't even be bothered to ask about him, or come to the hospital-"

Lily laughs, bringing a hand up so she can pinch the bridge of her nose and stave off the headache that's roaring to life behind her eyes.

"You're right. I'm a terrible daughter. It's not like I've been looking after him practically on my own or anything."

Petunia looks like she has something to say to that, but she merely tightens her lips as she snatches her coat and purse off the kitchen table. She calls out a quick goodbye to their father, who probably grunts, but can't be heard over the TV. She doesn't even do Lily the courtesy of slamming the door behind her. She just keeps that cold fury wrapped around her and disappears, something she's gotten good at.

* * *

><p>Lily's cleaning up after dinner when her phone rings. At this point, she considers dropping it in the sink of sudsy water, given the results that phone calls have yielded recently.<p>

She stares at the screen as she dries her hands and hesitates for only a moment before answering. She answers, but doesn't say anything right away, just listening to the faint breathing on the other end, and then she tells herself to stop dicking around and do this.

"Hi."

"Hey, I, ah, don't want to bother you-"

"-you're not," Lily interrupts James and then bites down on her lip before clearing her throat.

"Go on."

"I just…I had a night class thing, so I'm nearby, and I wanted to just..."

Lily twists the towel she's holding before setting it on the counter and toying with a ragged edge.

"You busy tonight?"

"Not particularly."

They're both playing it cool, like one wrong word might have everything tumbling down again. It makes Lily smile, but she feels an ache in her chest, wondering if she's about to make a fool of herself.

"Want to come over?"

"Yes. I can be there in ten minutes."

There's a pause and he's still being careful because he says, "Unless, you meant…later?"

"No. Now's perfect."

Lily tells her father absolutely nothing in the time it takes for her to end the call and the doorbell ringing. He's on the couch with the TV as background noise, reading the paper and still a little grumpy from the hospital and Petunia's earlier nerves.

When the doorbell chimes he glances up and Lily smiles tightly as she moves to answer it. She grabs her coat on the way and by the time she pulls the door open, letting in a gust of cold air and the sight of James Potter standing on her porch, looking cautious but smiling, she has it on and zipped so she can step outside with him and avoid her father overhearing anything.

"Hey."

"Hi."

Lily takes a seat on the first step and James joins her, hunching his shoulders as he jams his hands into the depths of his pockets. Lily doesn't really think about it too much but she tugs on his sleeve until his hand reappears. She concentrates on that alone as she unfolds it and laces their fingers together because she's not ready to see the way he's looking at her.

So she holds his hand, enjoying the way it covers hers, keeping it warm in the otherwise chilly night.

"Lily…"

She finally looks up, meets his solemn expression, waiting for him to go on.

"I'm sorry about that night. I came to see you because I was upset. You were the first person I thought of, but I panicked. That's no excuse to say awful shit, but I did, and I'm sorry."

"I know you are. You looked sorry as soon as you said it," Lily says slowly.

"I just want to know if you regret spending time with me. Because I get why you'd feel weird about Mary, and I know you were stressed, but I need to know if you're going to hold that over my head."

"No," he says instantly.

"No. I was…scared because I've always had things under control with school, and knowing where I was heading. And I lost the balance I had going, but that's on me. I don't regret anything with you."

Lily nods before bumping his shoulder with hers.

"I really missed you. Even though I was still mad."

He doesn't have the chance to say it back because Lily puts a hand on his shoulder and leans up to kiss him.

Kissing James Potter is nothing like she imagined because it's better, even in the cold and sitting on her cramped front step. Their noses bump and he laughs and she smiles hard but feels like she might cry because she did miss him, and it's so nice to feel the sturdiness of his shoulder under her hand and to smell the laundry soap on his sweater and the sweat on his skin.

"Hey,"

James pulls away first because she is crying. He immediately holds her at arm's length, looking her over with a furrowed brow.

"What's this?"

He brings his hand up to cup her cheek, using a finger to trace the wetness there.

"I've been…." Lily closes her eyes, only for a second, because she needs to focus on something other than how worried he is and the tender way he's looking at her. But she leans into his touch because it's warm and solid, and it's such a relief to have something to lean on.

"I'm just really fucking lonely, you know? I see Remus and Alice maybe three times a week, and my dad's nurse is a flake, so I'm here. I had to tell my boss I needed to be taken off the schedule and I feel like I'm chained to this house again."

The words are pouring out of her and she shudders, moving away from James' touch so she can rake a hand through her hair. She drags her sleeve over her cheeks and stares at the sidewalk for a long time before continuing.

"But I did it to myself, so I can't complain. Right? I don't have to be here. I can be back at my place, tell Mary to sleep on the couch. But I can't. Because even though Dave hasn't thought of me a day in his life, I can't just let him rot. I can't do that to him because he's my dad."

This time Lily does reach for him. She's leaking tears and probably a healthy amount of snot, but James just holds on to her tighter than she thinks she's ever been held in her life, and he cradles her head against his coat, smoothing a hand over her hair and whispering things that she can't really hear.

She thinks she might be able to stay like that for the rest of her life but he pulls away to take her hand in his again.

"Can I take you inside? It's getting colder out," he says quietly.

Lily nods and lets him lead the way. She doesn't have the energy to feel weird when Dave looks over, taking everything in from the tears to the way James helps her out of her coat and lets her lean on him a little when she gets out of her shoes.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Friend of Lily's," James says with politeness that sounds a lot like a _fuck you_.

It makes her smile.

"Don't you think it's a little-"

"Dave," Lily says slowly, with more patience than she really has.

"I think we can both agree the paternal ship has sailed. This is James. He's staying the night."

A thick silence descends on the trio.

"I need to speak to my daughter," Dave says and even though he's recovering from a fall and having his ass kicked by chemo, the look he's giving James Potter is one that says he's not above getting off the couch and attempting to bodily remove him from the house.

Lily pats James' arm, telling him she'll meet him upstairs in a minute. James looks between father and daughter, a little unsure but heads up the stairs all the same. When her bedroom door closes, Lily looks at her father expectantly.

"I don't like you bringing boys over at all hours."

As with most situations involving her father, Lily can't quite pin down her reaction to that.

"You act like I'm bringing home a new guy every night. Remus came for dinner, once. And James is here because I invited him."

"This is still my house-"

"Do you think there's any way I could forget that?"

She lets her anger show through because as good as she's gotten at locking down her emotions in front of him, she can't stand to be judged by the man who spent her childhood at the bottom of an endless supply of bottles.

"I know it's your house. Your rules, not that there are any. I need James to be here, and I'm an adult. What's the problem?"

"The problem is that I don't know the bastard who's upstairs making himself at home in my daughter's room!"

It's the second time he's called her his daughter, and she can't entirely deal. She holds up a hand and even takes a step back, physically distancing herself from what's happening.

"It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who James is because it's never mattered to you. You made it that way, not me. And you don't get to change the rules just because you're sober and remember for two seconds that you're a father."

He doesn't say anything to that. In fact, he's back to not looking at her when he grips the edge of the couch, shakily getting to his feet and taking halting steps in the direction of his bedroom. She can tell he's mad and what's even more startling is that it looks like it has a lot to do with the fact that she's _right_.

They're still playing by rules that might not apply anymore, and it's like they both know it and don't know what to do about it. Things can't change overnight, and they might never change. It's not exactly comfortable for either of them.

"Hey," some of her anger deflates at the sight of him struggling. She reaches a hand to steady him.

"Let me-"

"Don't bother."

Lily watches him make his way into his room. She waits until the light goes out, signaling that he's in bed and didn't fall on his face on the way there, before heading upstairs.

* * *

><p>James is standing in front of the rickety bookshelf in the corner of her room, taking in the various titles, when she walks in. She lets herself stare at him for a minute, from the messy hair to the way his foot's tapping to an unheard rhythm.<p>

He turns at the sound of her shutting the door, concern lingering as he takes her in.

"Everything okay?"

Lily nods and sits on the edge of her bed. She holds out a hand and he crosses the room, taking it and letting her pull him into bed.

Once the blankets are arranged just so (Lily likes to be bundled up with one foot sticking out to regulate temperature, and James doesn't want anything covering him because it's not time for bed yet, and he's pretty much a human furnace, anyway) with Lily's head on his shoulder, she says,

"So, what have I missed in the past week?"

"Well," James says slowly, kind of into playing with a strand of her hair instead of answering.

"I had an existential crisis over my career choice. Sirius decided that we would be able to solve things if we got drunk and played video games."

"Did it work?"

"Not at all. I beat him at drunk Mario Kart and he pouted."

"Typical," Lily says fondly.

"Mhmm. Let's see. I spent a lot of my time doing nothing because I missed you and felt like shit."

"I didn't feel so great, either."

"I know. Sorry. Again."

"Apology accepted. Again."

He kisses her and since she's not crying and they're tucked away in her room, they take their time. She keeps one hand over his heart and he keeps an arm around her waist and they're both panting a little when she pulls away.

"What about your week?" he asks.

"Too much ground to cover. Can I give you the SparkNotes version?"

"Go for it."

"Mary's back, which you know. Her budget is tiny, and her parents refuse to help, so I'm not sure when she'll leave. Remus has been having more pain days, but he's re-starting treatment, so things might improve sooner rather than later. And I'm here practically full-time, which you found out about during my great cry on the porch."

James studies her for a moment when she finishes. She can tell he's thinking something but he's hesitant so she waits until it eventually spills out.

"What if I stayed here? With you. Not…like, moving in. But a few days a week?"

"It is closer to the university."

"And you're here."

"What will your parents say?"

"That I should do it if it will make me happy."

"And it would? Make you happy."

"Yeah, that's why I suggested it. You sound surprised that it would."

Lily almost deflects and tells him anyone would be shocked because his parents' house is amazing and comfortable. And hers is oppressive and a little run-down.

But it's not the full truth.

"Sometimes I have a hard time dealing with people liking me."

"Okay. There's a lot to like, though, just so you know."

He starts with her hair, and how it lets him pick her out of a crowd, which is one of the things he liked first about her. She feels her face heat because it's corny, but she's not exactly used to the onslaught of nice things about what makes her who she is.

"…and the way you care about people. I don't think I know anyone else who cares so much-"

"-can't listen to this. Stop laughing, you're embarrassing me."

They go back to kissing, in part because it shuts him up but also because laughing and kissing, pausing every so often to make a comment and then immediately coming back together, feels too good to want to stop.

There's a shift when Lily shoves away her blankets and tangles her legs with his. They stop kissing altogether and Lily sits up so she can throw one leg over his, straddling him. His eyes widen a little and she places a hand on his chest to steady herself.

"Is this..?"

James just nods. His hands come up, holding her hips for a moment before they venture along her sides, fingers splaying over her rib cage and sweeping back down. Lily feels a shiver start along her spine and leans forward, kissing him softly until it turns into something a little frenzied.

Lily pulls away first, straightening up so she can grip the edges of her sweater and pull it over her head. James is cursing, trying to get his shirt off with her on top of him until she laughs and helps him out. They go back to kissing, with James leaning up and Lily ducking her head so they can kiss with hands that wander and stop every so often, eliciting sounds that sound loud in the small space.

"Pants."

James groans when she pulls away, rolling off of him and lifting her hips so she can wriggle and kick them off.

"Pants, pants, pants," she's practically chanting the word and it's ridiculous but they're both fumbling until they're left in their underwear and Lily is back on top of him, kissing him and touching every inch of skin that's bare to her now.

She likes the way his abdomen clenches when she runs one hand over it, dipping precariously close to the waistband of his boxers, before darting away to explore somewhere else.

"Are we?"

He grabs the hand that has been doing the teasing and kisses the palm, waiting for her cue.

"I am…you?"

"Yes," and then James is the one chanting.

"Yes, yes, yes."

Lily lets him reach up and undo her bra, arches a little when he sits up so he can feel her with his tongue. He takes his time, closing his mouth over the skin along her neck and ghosting down, moving on to tease her breasts while his hands trace lazy patterns on her bare thighs.

Lily thinks this might be something like death by multi-tasking and nearly shoots off the bed when one finger rubs firmly over the crotch of her underwear.

"Ah-"

"-yeah?"

He's grinning as he does it again, like he's got all the time in the world and they both aren't panting and rutting against one another a little desperately.

"Potter!"

He laughs outright until she palms him through his boxers, and then the sound becomes strangled. He jerks, swearing a little under his breath.

"Shit."

Lily rolls away from him for the second time and boxers and underwear get tossed to the other side of the room. James hovers over her, leaning up on both elbows so he can pepper every available inch of skin with kisses while Lily traces the lines of his body with both hands, feeling the strength in his shoulders and then leaning up to taste the skin there, which throws James off for a few moments as he pauses, just feeling her exploration.

"Condom?"

"My periods are…the worst, pill. I take the pill."

"I'm clean. Tested…God, you're killing me."

"Clean. All good."

She cups his cheek while her other hand reaches to press against his back, bringing their bodies closer. They kiss and it feels like hours. They're both sweating when they come up for air, always in a hurry to touch and feel more.

They're hurried, teasing and wonderful, and then everything seems to slow as their hips align. James sweeps a hand beneath her back, lifting her slightly as he thrusts and sends them both reeling.

He stills and then moves at a languid pace and Lily feels like she can't catch her breath. It's the absolute best torture, the gentle take and give, working them both up into a mess of gasps and choked laughter.

"Potter…if you-"

"-I can't-"

"-slow!" Lily grips his shoulder so her nails press gently into the skin there. James groans and she moves one hand to press insistently against his chest.

"Too slow. The teasing… I swear I'll-"

James grunts and Lily tries to suck in a deep breath but then he angles his hips and she arches up to meet his movements and the air catches in her throat.

"You'll what?"

She's not sure if he's genuinely curious or he's asking because he's into dirty talk and it makes her laugh. He huffs out a laugh, too, and nothing in the world can wipe the smile off her face.

She gives his hair an insistent tug and is rewarded with a moan as his eyes slam shut. His hips jerk and she repeats the gesture, smiling delightedly as his body tenses above her.

"Fuck-"

Lily catches his lips, swallowing mumbled curses until he breaks away to drag in a ragged breath.

"Legs," James breathes out and Lily takes the hint, bringing her legs up to wrap around his waist.

Their bodies move together, abandoning the leisurely pace until the room dissolves into a symphony of sound led by their mingled gasps.

"I want…"

Lily digs her nails into his shoulder and gives up on coherent speech. James seems to get the idea because he reaches a hand between them. He teases the sensitive flesh between her thighs before his capable fingers find her clit. The sensation in the pit of her stomach builds and James keeps teasing until she tenses and cries out, one hand clutching the sheets like a lifeline with the other buried in his hair, gripping it in a way she now knows he likes.

He manages a handful of thrusts before his body tenses and he chokes on a moan. He collapses next to her, breathing heavily with his face pressed into the mattress.

Lily's not sure she can speak yet so she flings an arm out, trailing her hand up and down his back. He lifts his face out of the mattress and rolls over so they're close enough that she can reach and kiss his sweaty forehead.

"Do you think you can make it over here?"

"Give me…just, one sec."

James lifts himself up on his elbows and then drags his body over to the other side of the bed. He kisses Lily's forehead and she pulls him down on top of her so she can run a hand over his back, feeling his weight settle on her.

"I'm crushing you."

"No."

She can't explain how good it feels to have him pressed so close, so she repeats that small _no_, trying to make him understand.

"I'm going to kill you, death by crush-"

"I like how it feels."

"Compromise."

James rolls onto his side and brings her with him. He wraps an arm around her lower back, keeping their bodies pressed flush together. Lily places kisses wherever her lips can reach and when she rests her head against his shoulder she hums in contentment.

"I'm not trying to be a jerk-"

"-sleep. Talk later."


	8. It's a wonderful life

**A/n **Whew, here it is. This chapter is important to me. Mostly because it features the first scene that came to me before I even started writing.

Warnings: swearing, internalized ableism, depictions of addiction and mood disorders, a sex mention (nothing detailed), angst, and I think that's it. (I promise there are cute/funny moments to counter the heaviness!)

Also, for a music rec, I'd advise you to listen to It's a wonderful life by sparklehorse. I listened to it a lot while I wrote the last few scenes. Enjoy - and thanks for reading and reviewing!

* * *

><p><strong>Thanksgiving<strong>  
><strong> Four years ago<strong>

_Lily arrived on the Lupin doorstep at exactly six p.m. with a pan of green bean casserole cradled in her arms. She knocked twice before Hope appeared, flinging the door open to reveal a new dress for the holiday with a stained apron thrown over it haphazardly. _

_The older woman smiled and quickly ushered Lily inside._

_"What's this?"_

_Lily shrugged off her coat and hung it on the rack in the hall before following Hope, who had taken the dish from her, into the kitchen._

_"Green bean casserole. Old Evans recipe, so it should be safe."_

_"You didn't have to bring anything, honey." _

_Hope abandoned the dish to wrap an arm around Lily's shoulders, giving her a gentle shake and kiss to the temple._

_"But thank you for thinking to. I'm sure it'll be wonderful."_

_"It's the first time I've actually made it, so don't get your hopes up. And you can't lie to me if it is horrible."_

_Hope gently rolled her eyes and gestured for Lily to evacuate the kitchen._

_"Nonsense. Now, do me a favor and drag Remus up, if you can tear him and Emma apart."_

_Lily pulled a face and Hope shrugged, laughing softly._

_"He claimed they," Hope paused at the use of the pronoun and Lily smiled, nodding for her to continue and that she had gotten it right, "wanted to borrow a book."_

_"And by that he means eat their face off."_

_"He'd die if I went down there. I'm afraid it falls to you."_

_"I'll do my best."_

_Lily made sure to make plenty of noise on the stairs, stomping her feet and even banging once on the wall. When she got to the entrance to the basement she stomped again, as a precaution, before knocking lightly._

_"Remus? It's Lily." _

_"Come in!" _

_Remus was still straightening his shirt when she entered while Emma was touching their lips with one finger, which they dropped abruptly when Lily greeted the pair._

_"I was distracting Hope, so she sent me down to collect you two."_

_"Good," Remus cleared his throat. He smiled in Emma's direction, a little flustered, but unable to stop beaming._

_"Right, great. Why don't we go up?"_

_"Up. Good, yeah," Emma agreed, blushing as they hurried past Lily and took to the stairs._

_Lily made to follow them, but Remus tugged on the sleeve of her dress, holding her back._

_"Thanks, noisy."_

_"Any time."_

_It wasn't too long before Frank and Alice arrived. It was the final stop for the newlyweds, who had already visited their respective in-laws earlier in the day. They brought flowers for the table and two bottles of wine which were opened immediately._

_As soon as introductions had been made, Alice pulled Lily aside from the others. They were busy getting the final dishes on the table and chatting, which allowed Alice the chance to look Lily over before pulling her into another hug, lingering this time. _

_"How are you?"_

_Lily's shrug was at odds with the perky smile slapped on her face._

_"I'm okay. It's a little weird, but okay."_

_From the bus stop to the Lupin's, she had looked her fill at her parents' house. Vernon's car had been parked out front, so she knew he was there with Petunia, as well as Vernon's equally unbearable sister. _

_It would be her first holiday away from home; not that holidays had always been sacred. Some years mom had to work, others, Dave was missing or snoring, passed out drunk on the couch. One memorable year, mom had been at work and Dave was MIA, so Lily and Petunia went out with some of the money they saved from their jobs and grabbed takeout and a movie._

_It was still odd to be away. If she walked in now, she knew she'd get some looks and a few remarks from the Dursley siblings, but her family would welcome her. Whether Dave was sober, or mom had to leave halfway through to get to a shift, they'd welcome her in with a silent, lukewarm acceptance. _

_But she couldn't do it. Ever since her great escape, moving out and moving on to college, she'd felt a lightness that she could hardly put into words. The chaos from home wasn't hanging over her head. She'd gotten away, been given the chance to blend in with everyone else at school, no longer saddled with being the girl with the neighborhoods most pathetic drunk for a dad._

_She'd been freed. And she wasn't ready to go back. _

_"It is weird," Alice agreed, "but we'll have some wine, stuff our faces. Make it a night to remember."_

_Lily felt a swell of gratitude and took Alice's hand in her own, both smiling as they made their way back toward the table._

* * *

><p>Thanks to their twenty two year working relationship, Lily knows the last thing Petunia will appreciate is her dropping by unannounced to discuss holiday plans. Which is why Lily decides not too long after doing just that, that the universe made the executive decision to swiftly tag her back.<p>

As soon as the door opens, Lily realizes her tactical error and tries to back away, like she can outrun the people peeking at her curiously from the other room.

"You know what? I should have called. I'll just-"

"Nonsense, come in. The girls would just _love_ to see you."

Lily doesn't miss the smirk that flickers across Petunia's face as she all but pulls Lily inside and shuts the door.

"Oh my God, Lily?"

"Look at you!"

"The little traveler."

"Ha, yes, hi. Hello."

Lily feels six sets of eyes on her and gives a quick, friendly wave. She recognizes all of them from the neighborhood, just a little older, a little more tired. They're the same women Petunia hung out with back in school. She would escape to their houses for sleepovers, offer her lip gloss if one of them forgot theirs, and talk about how she was going to marry Vernon Dursley someday and do better than anyone in the family.

Lily looks at them a little differently now, wondering who among them is Petunia's Alice, or her Remus. Who she's made family to replace the one they were dealt. Who among them is allowed to see her cry, or keep her biggest secrets?

When she tunes back into the conversation, Connie Figg is waving Lily over while the others make room for her to sit. The room at large is still buzzing about travel and Lily looks to Petunia for guidance.

"Where was the last one, Petunia? France?"

Petunia's smile tightens and Lily decides to go with it, still making no move to sit and join them.

"It was France. Lovely trip. The French are pretty rude, but-"

Petunia makes a noise in the back of her throat before gripping Lily's arm tightly and pulling her in the direction of the kitchen.

"Just a moment, ladies. Lily can't stay…"

They coo their disappointment, collectively, and Lily tries to hold it together, but by the time they're in the safety of the kitchen she lets out a laugh. She places a hand over her mouth and closes her eyes, trying to quell the hysterical laughter, but when she opens them and catches sight of Petunia's expression, she can't keep it in.

"Let me get this straight-"

"-can explain, Lily-"

"You told them I was traveling so you wouldn't have to mention the dropout crazy thing. I'm right, aren't I?"

Petunia gives up her sputtering denial and slumps against the counter. To her credit, she can't even look at Lily when she nods.

"Yes, I made it up."

"Nice."

"Please. You think I'm awful. You might as well let it out."

Lily shrugs, still amused by the whole thing, more so with Petunia's flash of guilt.

"You know sometimes it's hard to remember that we're related. But then you pull something like this and it's totally reinforced."

"Me lying about your whereabouts makes you feel nostalgic about our family? Charming."

"It's the little things," Lily says lightly.

"Anyway, I came to tell you that Thanksgiving is officially at Dave's-"

"-once just call him dad, something normal-"

"-need your headcount before then so I know what the meal's going to look like."

"Vernon gets a turkey from the company. We'll bring that along with stuffing and pie."

"Perfect. If Marge is making an appearance, you're also in charge of alcohol."

"Lily-"

Lily holds both hands up defensively.

"Hey, I know you have to try with her because you married into that. I didn't. So if I have to sit across from her for a holiday meal, I'll need to be very drunk."

"Honestly, Lily."

"I'm not kidding."

Lily does a quick time check on her phone before replacing it in her pocket.

"I have to run. Say bye to your friends for me. You can even throw in that I'm on my way to the airport. I'll even let you choose where you'll say I'm traveling next."

Lily catches the smile that Petunia smothers and she laughs all the way out the door.

* * *

><p>Thanksgiving arrives and Lily's awake before James.<p>

It's barely light out and he's still breathing deeply into the pillow his face is half-buried in. The low rumble makes it harder to wake up fully, so she gives herself the luxury of taking her time, stretching and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She enjoys the warmth of the blankets for a few minutes longer before reluctantly heading downstairs.

Dave is still asleep, so she pokes her head into his room for a check in. He's sleeping soundly and she only moves on to the kitchen once she makes out the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath the blankets.

She sets a few things on the counter to de-thaw and works on getting out the Thanksgiving staples; the pristine tablecloth from the hall closet, twin fake poinsettia that her mom always used to set out, and so on. Eventually, she returns to her room, happily diving back under the covers and falling back asleep with no trouble.

When she awakens this time, a few hours have passed and James is fumbling for his glasses on the nightstand.

"Happy Thanksgiving."

James settles his glasses on the bridge of his nose and rolls over, smiling at her, looking soft and warm with sleep.

"Happy Thanksgiving, sweet."

The endearment rolls out so naturally that Lily just smiles, tucking away that happiness as something she can hold on to, and kisses his cheek.

"Breakfast?"

"I'll start the bacon if you want to shower."

Lily groans and kisses him again, lingering this time. He catches one of her hands in his and links their fingers so both of them are smiling into the kiss.

"That's the best offer I've had today."

"I'll even throw in coffee."

* * *

><p>"Morning, Dave."<p>

After a few days of making the excruciating choice between _Mr. Evans_ and _Dave_ (James prefers Mr. Evans because childhood manners linger), he settles on Dave. It seems to annoy Lily's dad the least and he's happy enough to use that as his guide about how he should approach things.

This morning, instead of the grunt James was used to, Dave flicks his paper shut and sets it beside his plate on the table. James gives the bacon a few pokes before abandoning the fork and meeting the look that he didn't realize was being leveled at him.

"I fucked up with Lily."

James isn't sure how to proceed with that announcement, mostly because he knows it's true. Lily hasn't spent too much time outlining her childhood, but she's shared enough, and omitted enough that he knows Dave isn't exaggerating.

"Her and Petunia, and their mother. I won't bore you with the details, but I'm sure you know by now that I fucked up pretty good."

"Okay," James doesn't have anything else to say to that, so he takes a seat across from the other man, waiting.

"I never should have gotten married. I liked playing house with Anna in the beginning, so I thought I made the right choice. But I liked drinking and not having to worry about things more, so I did. The house still ran, they just had to do everything around me."

Dave pauses to take a few gulps from his glass of water. When he sets it down his eyes go right back to James, and the intensity there is a little surprising.

"Lily's not a kid, and I'm not going to get into any of that shit where I tell you how to treat her, or kicking you out because having you around annoys me. But I will tell you that playing house is a hell of a lot different than the real thing."

"With all due respect-"

"Cut the shit, Potter."

James feels a flare of irritation and adjusts in his seat, tamping down on his temper before he speaks.

"Me staying here? I'm not playing house. I'm here because Lily's my friend, first, and I love her. And she needs me, so I'm going to be around so things aren't so hard for her. But I'm not playing house.

And with all due respect, _Mr. Evans_, if I was lucky enough to convince your daughter to marry me, I wouldn't drop out of her life for anything because she deserves more than that."

James doesn't wait for a response. He pushes away from the table, stalks over to the stove and takes the bacon off the burner so he doesn't burn the house down. He leaves the kitchen without looking anywhere near Dave and takes the stairs two at a time.

When he reaches the bathroom he knocks so he can be heard over the water.

"I'm almost done!"

"It's James. Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure."

He finds her through the steam with that beacon of hair sticking out of the shower and dripping all over the floor.

"Hey, something wrong?"

"No, all good. I just…"

_You deserved so much more._

He wants to tell her that even without all the details, whatever Dave Evans gave her in her childhood, wasn't enough. That he's a piece of shit because the entire household had to struggle to carry his weight and make up for the damage he did.

But he also wants her to know that she's the warmest person he's ever met. She's incredible and giving. She's her own sun. And she's more than Dave Evans deserves.

Instead, he leans in and kisses her. Her hand goes to the fabric of his shirt and she clutches it tightly, pulling him closer as his hand comes up to cup the back of her head.

"I'll see you downstairs, okay?"

Lily looks a little dazed when he pulls away but she's smiling like she's tempted to reach out and haul him into the shower with her. James reads her loud and clear and dances away because he still has a breakfast he promised to get on the table.

* * *

><p>Remus is the first to arrive, calling out a greeting as he kicks the front door shut behind him and brandishes two bottles of wine. He's carrying the store bought dinner rolls under one arm, and Lily's never been more happy to see him.<p>

"Am I too early?" he teases when she bounds out of the kitchen and flies into his arms for a hug.

"Bless you for ignoring whatever time I told you to get here."

"What's up?"

"There's some weirdness between James and Dave," she hisses, so they won't hear.

"I have no idea what's going on, but I need you to diffuse so I don't lose my mind."

"Sure thing. I'll put on some music, open the wine-"

"Good. Great. Just keep it away from Dave. Hey."

"What?"

"Sirius. I thought he was coming with you."

Remus shrugs, almost managing not to look too bothered and falling short.

"Change of plans. He's coming with Peter. Look, I'm on the weirdness, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

She kisses his cheek and heads in the opposite direction so she can rush upstairs to put on makeup and get changed. She takes her time, knowing things are handled downstairs.

She applies her makeup lightly, _tastefully_, her mother would have said. It makes Lily roll her eyes a little because she loves everything from no makeup to the bold and expressive, something that sometimes horrified Anna Evans.

But today she wears makeup and a blue dress that she bought on sale, and when she looks in the mirror, she thinks it would have made her mom happy. She adds the finishing touch, a gold bracelet her father had given to Anna when Lily was born, supposedly before money was tight and her parents slipped from screaming matches to cold indifference. Before all of that. Before Lily could remember. When things were still held together.

Lily tries to imagine her parents together, happy and glowing, and she holds on to that she touches the bracelet on the way out of the bathroom.

* * *

><p>"Where's Evans? Tell her the life of the party is here."<p>

Lily's in the kitchen with the others when Sirius' voice cuts through the conversation. She shares a look of uncertainty with James and then follows Remus who moves first, striding into the living room where Sirius is propped against Peter.

"You're late," Remus points out.

Even though the message isn't directed at him, Peter looks contrite and tightens his grip on Sirius, who wobbles slightly on his feet.

"I'm sorry, everyone."

"No worries," Lily says brightly. She takes the box that Sirius is holding and ushers them in, still trying to get a grasp on the situation.

"I need to speak with Sirius," Remus says coolly, never taking his eyes off his boyfriend.

Peter lets go of Sirius, appearing a little uncertain if he'll be able to manage standing, but Sirius looks unconcerned as the group heads back into the kitchen.

* * *

><p>Remus closes the bathroom door behind him, leaning against it so he's as far away from Sirius as possible. Not that Sirius notices. He's all smiles, drumming his fingers against the counter top to a rhythm only he can hear.<p>

"So, this is why you couldn't make it earlier? Too busy getting wasted?"

"I told you Pete and I had to pick up the pie. Drinks were after."

Remus gives nothing away, has nothing to say to that and Sirius works up an annoyed sneer.

"Don't stop there. I know how much you love holding shit over me, so go on."

It's been happening more and more lately, but looking at Sirius is like looking at someone he used to know. Some of the same mannerisms are there. The way he tosses his head, the crooked beginnings of a smile. The way his hands slow and gentle when they touch Remus, like they're handling something he won't chance damaging.

The old things he remembers peek out sometimes, but they've begun to fade more in the past month.

The man standing in front of him has become a familiar stranger and it makes something ache in Remus' chest.

"Go ahead, Remus. Your time to shine."

Remus wants to grab hold of him, shake him, kiss him, tell him that he wants Sirius back. He wants to recognize him again; to look at him and feel that tug of familiarity that grounds him. Not just that, but to feel like Sirius gives a damn. Like they're still in this together, even it's a bumpy ride.

He doesn't say any of it. Because there's no reasoning, pleading, shouting with Sirius when he's like this. There is no right way to get through to him, to tell him that he's breaking Remus' heart and _please come back. _

So he's all business, not letting any emotion leak through.

"If you're going to stay, sober up. Take a walk around the block, do whatever, just pull it together. It's Lily's first time hosting a holiday, so you don't even have to do it for me. Just do it."

He leaves as soon as he finishes, fighting the temptation to look over his shoulder on the way out.

* * *

><p>"Why don't I freshen up everyone's drinks?" Alice says brightly, starting with Peter and then moving on to Petunia and Vernon. Frank joins in and they keep up a steady stream of chatter to ease the tension.<p>

"James-"

"I know-"

"He's drunk!"

"He probably just had a few too many. Holiday thing, you know."

It sounds weak to both of them, but Lily lets it go. She hands him the basket of rolls and they resume setting the table.

"Everyone, hi," Lily says when the room goes silent.

"Time to take your seats. The turkey's ready and we've got all the food out."

Everyone settles in and they begin passing around the food, but Lily's distracted by the noticeable absence of Remus and Sirius. She's about to excuse herself when Remus returns, smiling to the room at large.

"Sorry about that. Sirius forgot something in the car. He wanted me to apologize, he'll be back in a minute."

When Remus drops heavily in the chair next to Lily, she shoots him an incredulous look.

"He's not really going near a car, is he?"

"No. I told him to clear his head and get back here when he's decent. Pete has the keys so he'll be fine."

She nods and the subject is dropped as they re-engage in the conversation. Alice and Frank, who Lily vows to thank for the rest of her life, keep Petunia and Vernon occupied. Frank listens to Vernon go on about his work and Alice swaps stories and tips with Petunia about married life.

Remus is good at occasionally engaging Dave. He's familiar with the other man's grunts and which topics of conversation are safe for holiday table talk. It feels like a break to Lily, where she can enjoy her friends and family, together, over a nice meal, with James finding her hand under the table every so often.

Sirius re-appears when they're finishing up the meal and preparing for dessert. He looks apologetic and more put together as he takes the seat next to Frank.

"Had something to take care of. That pie looks incredible, Petunia…"

The rest of the evening goes smoothly. Not long after dessert, Vernon and Petunia say their goodbyes, both looking as relieved as Lily feels that the night went off without fireworks. Dave goes to bed for the night soon after, exhausted from the long day.

The house is peaceful, something Lily hardly recognizes but is willing to cautiously accept. It's warm and her friends are there together, huddled in the living room with what's left of the wine and pie. Lily deposits herself in James' lap and enjoys the way he trails a hand up and down her back or brushes his fingers over her side, keeping them linked.

Frank is in the middle of a story about the failed turkey incident at his mom's, when Lily wanders away. James' eyes follow her and he nods in understanding as she ducks out of the room to grab her purse.

Their muffled laughter filters into the front room where, among the coats and shoes, Lily rummages around for the telltale orange bottles. Since she's been going back and forth between the apartment and house, she's kept her pills in the bag, cutting down on the chance that she'll mistakenly leave them behind and have to make the trek to get them.

When her hands come up empty, she takes everything out of her bag. She sorts through everything one at a time, trying to fight off the sudden anxiety that has her heart racing. Receipts, mittens, gum wrappers, a half-eaten granola bar.

No pills. Lily upends the purse as her minds goes from relative calm to instant panic.

Empty. No bottle.

"James?"

He's off the couch and coming toward her when she re-enters the living room, startled by the way she says his name.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't find my pills," Lily says quietly.

She realizes her friends have stopped talking and can probably hear her conversation, so she addresses the entire room.

"I can't find my evening meds."

"I'll check if you left the bottle upstairs, okay?"

Lily nods, beginning to gnaw at her lower lip as she rushes into the kitchen with Alice on her heels.

"The cupboard?"

Lily throws it open and comes up empty. She tears through it, anyway, knowing that she's never kept them there. She has to do something, has to be sure, even if it doesn't make sense. Frank lifts up the seat cushions in the living room, Peter gets down on all fours to make sure they haven't rolled off the coffee table somehow and gotten kicked under the furniture.

James comes back empty handed and rubs both hands up and down Lily's arms, trying to soothe her distress.

"We'll find them, okay?"

"Lily."

Remus' voice cuts through the fog of panic, but the look he's giving her makes her stomach plummet. He's standing in the doorway, the tension in his body at odds with the easy grin Sirius, who's standing next to him, is giving her.

"What?"

"I'm so sorry," Remus says quietly, his voice cracking on the last word.

"Remus, what the fuck?"

"Shit, everyone calm down. I took them," Sirius says, hunching his shoulders and holding up both hands. He doesn't sound particularly upset, and for a moment it doesn't register.

"You took what?"

"I traded them for something a little stronger. I know a guy around here. He's a little pricey…"

Sirius goes on, seemingly unaware that the entire room has gone still. Lily goes from standing to sitting on the arm of the sofa, feeling like she was kicked in the stomach. She hears what he's saying, but it doesn't want to compute because it's so ugly.

"You took my pills?"

"I didn't have cash on me so we struck up a trade. I can call the guy and re-fill your stash-"

"My stash?" Lily echoes.

"You're going to re-fill the medication that I was prescribed, the exact dosage of the pills I paid a lot of fucking money for, from your dealer?"

Lily takes in his glazed eyes and that same bland smile that's been on his face since he re-joined them for dessert, and feels her eyes fill. She presses the heel of her hand against one eye and smiles shakily, not quite over the disbelief.

The room still seems to be in a state of shock as Sirius moves away from Remus. Noticing the tears, Sirius crouches in front of Lily, frowning as he tentatively reaches for one of her hands.

"Hey, Lily-"

"Don't!"

Lily snatches her hand away and the room bursts into action. Remus lunges forward so he can sling an arm around Sirius' middle, hauling him back before he can touch her. James and Peter are on Sirius then, each pressing against his chest, holding him back. For his part, Sirius looks lost. He's deflated a little and looking around like he's in a room of strangers.

Alice and Frank take a seat opposite them as Remus goes to Lily, crouching in front of her, mirroring Sirius. Lily's crying openly now, shaking her head and running a hand over her face. When Remus leans in and puts a hand on her knee he's close enough so she can see the tears on his cheeks.

He looks as lost as she feels but he clears his throat and promises, "We'll fix this. I'll figure it out, okay?"

"I spent…all of that money to pay for those. I worked…"

"I know."

Lily wipes at her eyes and just shakes her head, unable to get the rest out. But she doesn't need to, not yet, anyway. Remus gets to his feet and when he speaks, there's no trace of the tears or regret she saw moments ago.

He sounds resolute, his tone allowing no room for argument.

"You need to leave."

Lily watches as Sirius visibly pales. He looks around at everyone and then opens his mouth, only to close it, unable to come up with something to say.

"Now."

"Remus, I can-"

"Get out!"

Remus stalks past James and Peter, who are still flanking Sirius, unsure of which way things will go. Remus reappears with Sirius' coat and throws it at him. Sirius fumbles it, looking between the garment and Remus with that same lost look, like he can't seem to find the words that normally come so easily to him.

If anything, it makes Remus angrier.

"Go."

In the next moment, Sirius and Peter and gone. Lily collapses against the chair as the door shuts softly behind the pair. Frank and Alice are speaking quietly with Remus, and James moves away from the door to sit next to her.

His coat is on and Lily instantly grabs onto the lapels. She looks him in the eye and holds on because she knows he's going to leave; can't even fault him for it because if it was Remus, she'd be out the door, too.

All the same, just for a moment, she keeps him there.

"I'll make him fix it."

He cups her cheek with one hand and she lets go, feeling a lump form in her throat.

"I know."

"I love you, and I'll be back as soon as possible."

James kisses her cheek and is out the front door before she can think to reply.

* * *

><p>James is on his phone before he even makes it to the car.<p>

"Mom? I need your help with something."

He doesn't head to the study when he gets back to his parents' house because he can hear his mom's voice and knows she's on the phone. With the way his parents operate, he knows his dad is in there, too, helping to move things along.

So James bypasses them. He keeps his coat and shoes on and heads to the kitchen where Sirius is pouring himself a drink. James looks between Sirius and the bottle, feeling such an onslaught on disbelief that it takes him a moment to get the words out.

"Why did you do it?"

Sirius downs the scotch in one gulp and moves to re-fill the tumbler. James can feel the telltale prickling along the back of his neck as his temper ignites. He's remembering the look on Lily's face, the total confusion when Sirius admitted to taking her medication, like she couldn't fathom him doing that to her.

And then the way her face crumpled when the reality of it hit her. It's all he can see, and he can't handle the nonchalant charade that Sirius is acting out.

"Can we do this-"

"-want an answer now. Goddammit, Sirius, you can't keep pulling shit like this."

"Excuse me, this is the first time I ever stole pills from my boyfriend's codependent roommate. It's not like this is a running thing for me."

"Don't," James barks.

"Just don't. You know what I'm talking about."

The façade slips as his shoulders slump and Sirius looks more tired than James has ever seen him.

"James," he can see that the next word nearly kills Sirius as he stumbles over it, "please."

But James can't relent.

Not now.

It's all crashing down, with too much momentum fueling it, to be stopped. He thinks of the evolution, and he can trace it back to high school when they'd grab booze and whatever they had on hand to smoke and spent weekends getting trashed with Peter. Sirius became the life of the party, always on, always ready for more, until he was in private and could come down.

No one came down harder than Sirius, and then he'd be back, launching himself at life with little regard for what it was doing to him.

James has seen it from the beginning. He's watched it change and take Sirius down to new lows. Standing in the kitchen, watching Sirius masterfully avoid eye contact, James feels sick that this is the first time they're talking about it.

"The drinking, the pills, the other shit that you won't even tell me about. You keep going this way and you'll run yourself into the ground."

"I-"

"-stops now, or you're out."

"Out?"

Sirius rears back and James knows he's phrased everything all he's effectively cut off communication when he thinks Sirius needs to hear him most.

"Fuck you."

James winces and tries to regroup, but Sirius doesn't stop there.

"No, fuck you. Thanks a heap for the ultimatum, but I think I'll crash at my parents place. At least they've never given me a bullshit order like that."

"Sirius, wait. Just-"

"-bother. It's been fun, and I'll see you around."

Sirius offers a mocking salute, simmering with anger beneath the surface, and takes off into the night.

* * *

><p>"I'm so sorry, Lily."<p>

"Why do you keep apologizing? You're not the shithead here."

It's the middle of the night, hours since everything went down, and they're both still a little shell-shocked. They're camped out in the living room, having piled couch pillows on the floor and each grabbed a blanket so they could be warm and miserable instead of just miserable.

"I knew how bad things were with Sirius and I kept him around. I knew-"

"Okay, but you didn't tell him to raid my purse, did you? That's on him."

A Julia Child re-run is flickering silently on TV. They aren't actually watching her prepare the turkey. They just need the TV on so they have something in front of them other than darkness and their own thoughts.

Lily watches Remus, who stares at Julia while she makes the turkey dance, before looking back at her.

"He cheated on me a few months ago."

"What!?"

"A bartender. He told me things were going okay. He wasn't drinking as much, he had a good doctor. And then he went missing that one night and I found him getting a blowjob in an alley."

"God."

"I didn't tell you because he was out of his mind. Manic as hell, I know you remember that episode."

"Yeah," Lily says softly, still stunned by the admission.

"I didn't tell you because he was manic, so I forgave him easier. And because I wanted to make things work, which I couldn't do that if I told you."

"Because I would have hated him."

"Yes. But I'm telling you now because it's okay to hate him for taking your pills and being a fuckup. And I'm sorry because I shouldn't have hung on."

"Don't be sorry for that. I probably would have done the same in your shoes."

Remus snorts and immediately shakes his head.

"No, you wouldn't. You know you're worth more than that. I'm working on it, but I don't plan on making that mistake again."

Their conversation is interrupted by three rapid-fire knocks at the door. The pair exchange a wary look as they both get up to answer it. When Remus flings open the door, prepared for Sirius, and ready to slam the door in his face, they're surprised to find James standing there, tired and holding out a white bag that rattles when Lily takes it from him.

"My mom called in the script."

"Your mom?"

"Dr. Potter," he says, smiling a little, trying to reassure her even though they're all running on fumes at this point.

Lily cradles the bag against her chest. She's overwhelmed by the entire Potter family and the fact that someone foot the bill, out of pocket, for meds that she struggles to afford with insurance. She realizes that Remus has wandered away to give them privacy and she inches closer to James, just wanting to be near him.

"Are you coming in?"

"I, ah, need to do something."

"Is he MIA?"

James rubs at the back of his neck, nodding guiltily.

"Kind of."

"Okay. Um, thank you for these," Lily rattles the bag for effect.

"I'm going to pay whoever paid back. And thank your mom. A lot. I've done withdrawal before and it would have sucked."

"You're welcome. Any time."

"Any time, huh?" Lily teases because it's almost four in the morning after one of the shittiest nights, and he's still there and promising he'd do it again, if need be.

"Yeah. I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

The bag gets trapped between them when they come together in a fierce hug. Lily's breathing is a little shaky and she has to gulp in each breath she takes. James holds on tighter, tucking her head against him protectively.

When they part, Lily sniffs and grabs hold of his coat as he moves to place a kiss on her forehead.

Eventually he heads down the steps, on to the next task. Before he can make it to the car, Lily picks the bag off the ground and calls after him,

"I love you, too, okay?"

His smile flashes back at her. Brilliant, reassuring in the face of everything.

"Okay."


	9. Love it or leave it

A/n This starts off immediately after the last chapter, just for a frame of reference.  
>Warnings: Depictions of depression, internalized ableism, and references to hospitalization<p>

* * *

><p>Remus leaves too early. He still has a final paper to write and a massively fucked up relationship to sort out, so he says a quick goodbye to Lily and heads out, looking better than he feels.<p>

Lily remains huddled on the living room floor for a few more hours before retreating to her room. She carries the giant pile of blankets and falls into bed so she can cover herself with each one, thinking she might never leave her bed again.

* * *

><p>"Where's Potter?"<p>

Lily blinks at Dave. Once. Again.

She doesn't answer, just shuffles over to the coffee pot. She makes a low sound in the back of her throat when she realizes that of course no one's made any because, like a lot of things, that's her job.

Instead of grabbing a filter and going through the motions, she abandons the pot and takes a seat across from Dave. Her head feels too heavy so she rests it on the table, missing the confused look she receives from the man across from her.

"He was here last night, with those friends of his. He take off?"

"No," Lily is still slumped over, so it comes out muffled against the table.

It's noon. She's been awake and on her feet for less than twenty minutes and she's ready to go back to bed. She pushes back from the table, ignoring the occasional muttering about James, and goes to the cupboard to grab the bread and peanut butter.

It takes five minutes of standing in front of the open fridge but she locates the strawberry jam (it's right in front of her on the top shelf, but it's like her brain has to wade through mashed potatoes when her synapses fire) snags a knife and dumps it on the table in front of her father.

"I don't feel well. I'm going back upstairs."

"What-"

"That's lunch. I'll be down in time for dinner."

* * *

><p>Lily doesn't come down for dinner.<p>

* * *

><p>On the third day she claws her way out of sleep when she hears the knock at her door. She pushes her tangled hair out of her face, grimacing as she shoves aside the mountain of blankets so she can get to her feet.<p>

There are a number of unanswered calls and texts waiting on her phone, including one from Mary, asking how her Thanksgiving was. She doesn't even check them anymore.

The room smells stale. The curtains are closed, so everything is wonderfully dark, perfect for sleeping.

The knocking resumes and she curses under her breath.

"Yeah, coming!"

Dave is panting on the other side of the door when she opens it. He's got one shoulder propped against the wall, trying to catch his breath from the trip up the stairs.

"What the hell, dad?"

"You've been…up here…all this time?"

"I'm tired, okay? Not feeling well. I just need to sleep it off."

Dave's got his breathing under control and he's really looking at her now. He straightens up, and she can feel him assessing everything from her unwashed hair down to the pajamas she hasn't changed out of for days.

She watches him put the pieces together until he reaches his conclusion.

"It's happening again."

She considers slamming the door in his face.

"Da-"

"What happened last time? Your mother couldn't get you out of bed for two weeks. And then in college, when you dropped out."

"It's not the same thing, okay? Just a virus-"

"Lily, what is this?"

His voice lowers, like she can actually tell him what's happening. Like whatever comes out of her mouth won't be held against her. He asks like he's her father and he's concerned, fumbling it a little, but with the feeling behind it all the same, and she doesn't know whether she's pissed or comforted by it.

"I'm tired, okay? I had a shitty Thanksgiving and I'm burned out. Is it too much to ask that I get a break? I just need a break. I'm fine. I'll be fine…" her voice breaks so she's standing in front of her father, crying and looking like she crawled out from under a rock.

He looks unsettled, unprepared for the crying and apparent breakdown of his youngest child. The one who has been so good at keeping it together. He doesn't know what to do with that, the tears and her sudden retreat from the world, so he nods.

"Okay, sure. I can call-"

"Don't call anyone. Just let me rest, and I'll be down when I can."

She gives herself points for not slamming the door in his face. She closes it gently, so it barely makes a sound. And then she returns to her bed where she pulls the blankets over her head and falls back into the comfort of sleep.

* * *

><p>Things aren't going so well when James and Remus arrive the next day. It's just her luck they arrive together, having turned to one another after prolonged radio silence on her end and making the executive decision that a visit was in order.<p>

"Lily? Your dad said you were up here."

"I'll be out…in a minute."

They both know she's crying, even with the sound of the shower running. There's a beat of silence before James tries again.

"Can I come in?"

She considers telling him no and then begging him to run as fast as he can. She wants them both gone, but James especially because she's too much right now. She can't hold it together, try as she might, and she's not ready for him to see that, the reality of it up close.

But she's also very lonely. Having been plunged back into the darkness so suddenly, she's do anything for company. If she thinks about it too much she can practically feel an ache in her bones; to be held, to be accepted as she is.

The ache wins out.

"Okay. Yeah."

She hears the door open and close and watches him approach the shower where she's seated, fully clothed on the floor with the water running. The curtain's open so he can take it all in with one look before dropping down beside the tub, offering a small smile, which is nothing short of miraculous to her, given what he walks in on.

"Hey."

She starts crying harder and actually turns away from him so he doesn't see. She gives him her shoulders as they shake and the occasional sob that rises up and spills out so it can echo through the room.

"Lily," he says her name a few times, not touching her, hanging back because he's not sure what she needs.

When she turns toward him again, he's still sitting there, but the smile is gone. He looks concerned and she wipes at her eyes, like it'll help ease the panic in his expression. Like the only thing that's abnormal about this situation is the crying and not her being camped out in her own shower, sobbing and fully clothed.

"I'm fine," she puts a little more force into it and even smiles, repeating it for good measure.

She imagines the smile is a little horrifying because it feels that way.

"I'm fine."

"Do you want me to turn the water off?"

"No, I…" her voice wobbles.

"I need to get clean."

He nods for a few seconds and she can practically see the wheels turning from the inside.

"Want some help?"

Every time they've showered together, it's gone from playfully soaping each other's backs to a whole lot more, which is usually perfect. She can't get the words out, but right now she can't even stand and get her clothes off, let alone think about that.

"I'll keep my boxers on and you can keep on whatever you want. How does that sound?"

She nods and he returns the gesture, offering a smile before getting to his feet and shucking off his clothes. She watches him tug off his socks and then move on to his shirt, discarding each layer until he's down to his blue boxers.

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Okay."

He climbs in next to her so he's kneeling with the water beating down on his back. He removes his glasses and sets them on the floor next to the tub and then shoves a hand through his hair, slicking it back so it's away from his face.

"Clothes or no?"

"This is really fucking crazy isn't it?"

"No."

"Come on."

He shakes his head and water droplets fly onto her cheeks. He looks so serious when he takes one of her hands in his, toying idly with her wrinkled fingers.

"You want me to say it's crazy?"

"It makes me feel better to be real about it, I guess."

"It's crazy. Good?"

She actually smiles then because it really is. He reaches for the washcloth hanging on the shower caddy and begins soaping it up as she unzips her sweatshirt. She peels off her shirt and bra next, and asks for help standing. They get to their feet together with James' arm around her, half holding her up, she's able to work her sweatpants down her legs and kick them off.

When they're seated again, James holds out the washcloth and she takes it with a quick _thanks_. She scrubs at her skin, dragging it over her arms and chest before wiping under each arm. He squeezes out a dollop of her face wash and motions for her to scoot closer so he can smear it over her face.

She laughs a little when he places a single dot of it on her nose, and then it's back to business as she uses both hands to rinse it off.

"Hair?"

Lily nods and he stands up to grab the shower head. It's long enough that he can sit back down with it, aiming it at the side of the tub as he hands it over so she can dampen her hair. He grabs the shampoo and conditioner but before handing them over, he pauses, looking a little uncertain.

"Can I do it?"

"If you want to."

"Come here."

She scoots in front of him and tilts her head back as he works the shampoo into her hair, taking his time. He uses his fingers to massage her scalp and she closes her eyes, sinking back against his chest a little as he works in silence.

* * *

><p>The overwhelming concern, with some mortification thrown in, doesn't hit her until after she's bundled in her warmest clothes, sitting at the kitchen table with James, while Remus puts the finishing touches on a stack of grilled cheese sandwiches.<p>

The two of them are keeping up a steady stream of conversation. They talk about finals, how they can't wait for winter break. It's all so mundane, so normal. She feels detached from that kind of normalcy, given what just happened not even an hour earlier. There's an unsettled feeling that's crept up on her and she decides to address it sooner rather than later.

"Remus would you mind taking a sandwich in to Dave?"

She gives him a meaningful look. One that says, _please eat with my father. He's miserable, but I need you to take one for the team_. Remus pauses, mid-chew to nod slowly.

"Yeah, I'll just…be out there."

He grabs his plate and piles on another sandwich before making a swift exit. Lily sets aside her food, looking across the table at James, who stops chewing.

"What's up?"

"I wanted to say thanks, again. For everything."

"You have, Lil. I know."

"But," Lily continues, "I think we have to talk about this."

"Okay," there's a flicker of concern in his expression as he shoves his plate away, giving her his full attention.

"Talk about what, exactly?"

"We've never really addressed this," Lily gestures at herself, huffs out a breath because she's being vague and just has to go for it if they're really going to talk about it.

"I just…need you to know that I'm not getting better."

He frowns at her words, so she rushes to go on.

"That's why it's important that you know how much I really appreciate what you've done, how you've helped out. I won't always be crying in the shower, but I probably will again. Or I'll stay in bed too long. And," she says slowly, "You won't always be able to help me. I won't always _want_ you to, and sometimes there's nothing you can do to help."

"I know I'm not an expert, but you were doing okay when we met, right? You can get back there again. "

Lily shakes her head, hating the distress unfolding on his face. There's disbelief, too, as he sits up straighter, like he's internally grabbing on to whatever hope he can manufacture rather than accept what she's saying.

"My symptoms might go into remission, but I'll have a mood disorder for the rest of my life. It's not…for me, it's not like how Sirius gets. You know how he spends too much time being up? I'm the opposite. I get too low. Sometimes I need a med adjustment, or hospitalization-"

"Like a psych ward?"

She can see the panic rise in him as he shoves away from the table to pace from one end of the kitchen to the other. He looks panicked and a little furious and she tries to stay calm.

She's tired again, already, ready to retreat to her bed, but this needs saying. They have to do this, so she hangs on.

"I can take care of you! I don't know why everyone thinks I'm going to cut and run, but I'm not. And I can help, okay? Just let me-"

"James, it doesn't work like that. I've had people take on a superhero complex, like they can love me enough or work hard enough at it, and I'll be cured-"

"-I don't have a fucking complex-"

"-But there's no cure. It's a life thing for me, but it doesn't have to be for you."

He stops pacing and stills completely.

"Why would you say that?"

"Because you need to hear it! This is the first time you've seen me this way, and we haven't been together that long. This isn't my worst," she lets that sink in before continuing.

"It's been so much worse, and it isn't easy for people who care about me. Wherever we end up, I don't want you with me out of a sense of duty."

"That's such bullshit. I don't want to hear this-"

"Tough shit! This is important to me, so just let me get it out and then you can feel however you want about it."

She sucks in a deep breath, looking at the table to avoid the naked emotions playing out on his face.

"Sometimes I'm going to need space from you. Or I'll want to be too close. Things can be okay and get rocky out of nowhere. It's a lot for me, and I'm not always going to handle it well. And I don't want you to try to pick up the slack."

"What do you want from me?"

He's as serious as she's ever seen him. Most of the anger, which was never really directed at her in the first place, is gone. But he's confused, still panicked.

He's a fixer. She recognizes it in him, in the way he tries to move mountains for the people he loves. Which is why he needs to understand. She needs to make him understand because it'll end in disaster if he tries to move every mountain that'll come up down the road for her.

"I want you to take cues from me when this stuff comes up. And I want you to take care of yourself. People burn themselves out, and I don't want to see that happen to you."

He nods and crosses the kitchen so he's sitting in front of her again. He rakes a hand through his hair and then drops it on the table, fingers unfurling if she wants it.

She takes his hand in hers and sees some amount of acceptance in the look he's giving her.

"I hear you," he says finally.

"I just…my first instinct is to make thing easier if I can."

"I know. But this...it doesn't get easier, sometimes."

"Okay. I'll listen to you. Follow your lead."

"That's all I ask."

"And you'll…tell me if I can help? If there's something you need?"

"I'm not always great at that," Lily admits.

"It's hard because sometime I just don't want anyone seeing me like this."

He nods and she thinks he can understand that; put himself in her shoes and imagine having everyone see her at her worst, and how that must feel.

"But I'll try."

"Okay."

They're still on uneven ground, figuring things out, together. But it's a start. And, Lily thinks, a pretty okay one.

* * *

><p>"I have enough egg rolls to feed the neighborhood. Fried rice for Mr. Evans. Sweet and sour chicken for Lily, assorted vegetables for Remus, and the spiciest garlic chicken known to man for James."<p>

Alice distributes the takeout, along with fortune cookies before gathering around the coffee table with the others. There are a chorus of thank you's, even Dave, who smiles when Lily plates his food and hands it to him.

She nearly falls over but he doesn't seem to notice and begins picking at his food.

There was some discussion about going to Lily and Remus' apartment for dinner, or making the trip to Alice and Frank's place. But in the end, they stay at the house, and Lily's grateful that she doesn't have to change out of her pajamas or go out into the November night.

The foursome eats around the coffee table and spends an hour getting really into Jeopardy. They shout answers over each other, eventually blurting the first ridiculous, wrong answer that comes to mind just to make each other laugh.

James tugs on her ponytail when she makes a smart remark, and it feels good to laugh and rest her head on his shoulder. She's full and warm and could stay that way for the rest of the night, but she notices Dave drooping in his chair.

While the others are starting to clean up the takeout containers and get the dishes to the kitchen, Lily leans over and taps the arm of Dave's chair.

"Ready for bed?"

"Looks like it."

She gets to her feet and uses one hand to grip the waistband of his pants, placing an arm around his back so he's steady on his feet. She keeps her arm there as they make her way to his bedroom, having the routine down by now.

He flips on the light and she loosens her hold so he can shuffle over to the bed and sit down.

"I'll have my door open, so I'll hear if you need anything."

He nods, making no move to pull back his blankets and get under.

"You feeling okay tonight?"

"I've been better," Lily says honestly.

"But I'll get there."

"Good. I, uh, remember when you were in the hospital few years ago."

"You were there when Petunia was bringing me home," Lily says, remembering the way her father had lifted her out of a wheelchair and into the backseat of the car they borrowed from a neighbor. He'd been the one to buckle her seatbelt, testing it to make sure it wasn't too tight before retreating to the driver's seat.

He didn't say anything on the ride home, but she caught him looking in the rearview mirror every few seconds, like she might slip of the car if he didn't keep an eye on her, while Petunia sat next to her in the back, pale and exhausted.

"Is it like that again?"

Lily doesn't particularly like to think about her time in the hospital or the crushing depression that led up to it. When she does think about it, the scenes are sharp, too in-focus. She remembers every detail even through the chaos and exhaustion and it doesn't feel good, even after some time has passed.

"It's a little different now. Not as bad."

"Okay."

Neither of them have any more to say on the subject, or if he does, Lily really doesn't want to hear it right now, so she says a quick goodnight and bolts.

* * *

><p>"Want me to come in with you?"<p>

They're idling in front of the Dursley household in the car the Potter's informally gifted to James.

It's his father's eight year old BMW, passed down so James can get to and from school and to any potential internships or jobs without hassle, or a car payment. His dad is getting a new one, so it makes sense, and Lily's not complaining if it means less time on the bus.

They originally decide to go for a drive because Lily is feeling restless and James is bored after spending the evening studying. Neither of them has a destination in mind until Lily begins giving him directions to her sister's house.

"That might make things worse. I won't be long."

"I'll try to come up with our next stop."

"Make it good," she teases before leaving the warmth of the car to start up the front walk.

Vernon is the one to open the door after she rings the bell. Lily waves cheerfully, very aware that her brother-in-law is taking in her bedhead and pajamas, and not caring.

"Hey, Vernon."

"Petunia! Your sister is here."

Lily doesn't wait for the invite inside because she might freeze to death before that happens, so she opens the door and slips in, patting Vernon's shoulder on her way past him.

Petunia is in the kitchen, working on a sink full on dishes when Lily enters. Her sister stops what she's doing to strip off her rubber gloves, looking concerned.

"Dad-"

"Is okay," Lily waves away the concern and drops into a chair at the kitchen table.

"But I'm going to need you to be more involved."

"What do you mean?"

"I get that it's hard for you to see Dave like this, but having me there all the time isn't working."

Lily says this gently, partially because she's too depressed to work herself into being angry and also because it's the truth. She doesn't want this to be a fight or point of contention for them. She just needs things to change.

"What do you suggest?"

"He has one appointment a week for at least another month. Get him to those. Come to visit at least twice a week. Any time of day, so I can get out."

Petunia nods and looks over Lily's shoulder, like she's trying not to notice the state Lily's in. That she's moved into that place that's past the point of caring about wearing sweatpants in public or a million other things that Petunia could poke her about.

"He told me you haven't been feeling well."

"You two talk on the phone?"

"That is hardly the point."

"It is a little because it's terrifying."

"The point is that I'll help."

"Okay, thanks. I'll let you get back to your…dishes or whatever."

"I'll see you tomorrow. I can stop by in the afternoon."

"Okay, good. See you then."

* * *

><p>Lily more or less makes the couch her base. It's downstairs, so it's close to Dave if he needs anything, and it's a central point of the house, so she can be surreptitiously checked on by the army of people who pass in and out each day.<p>

She calls off the watch after Frank comes over on his lunch break, holding a poinsettia like he just happened to be in the neighborhood and urgently needed to drop it off. Lily understands where they're coming from, but she also hates being treated like a child who needs looking after. The tiptoeing and coddling; it's smothering her, and she knows who she needs to take her complaint to.

"Call them off."

Remus glances up from his laptop, seemingly uncomprehending. She's watched as he's thrown himself into studying for finals before break, and she lets him have that; study too much and retreat into what needs to be done so he doesn't have to think about what's weighing so heavily on him.

But she pulls him away from studying for this because this needs saying.

"Call who what?"

"Alice, Frank, Peter, Mrs. Pavlenko from two blocks over? I haven't talked to her since I was sixteen and now she's bringing goulash. I don't need babysitters."

"Lily."

"Remus," she says, matching his sober tone, and he smiles a little.

"To be fair, I'm pretty sure James is responsible for Mrs. Pavlenko's goulash."

When she doesn't crack, he closes his laptop with a sigh.

"Hear me out."

"I'm listening."

"We don't talk about it a lot…but I still think about you in the hospital, sometimes."

Lily just nods, silently urging him to continue.

"That was…the scariest night of my life. And I'm not saying that to guilt you-"

"-I know you're not-"

"-Petunia couldn't even get it all out, and I thought you were gone. One phone call, and I thought I'd lost my family. So, when things get rough for you, I go back to that."

"And overcompensate," Lily adds, quietly.

"And overcompensate," Remus agrees.

"And I didn't dissuade James from doing it, too. And I'm sorry for that. You're just," he looks apologetic before rushing the next part out, "so good at hiding it, when you're feeling like shit."

"I have to hide it," Lily says softly.

"Not from me," Remus jostles her shoulder, but she shakes her head.

"I have to hide it at work. I had to at school. It's automatic. And, you know, if you're worried, you can always talk to me instead of alerting the entire neighborhood."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. Call them off and all's forgiven."

* * *

><p>"Hey, sleepy face."<p>

Lily brushes the back of her fingers over James' cheek, smiling at the way he scrunches his face, clinging to sleep, while leaning into her touch. First one eye peeks open, then the other as he takes in, what she assumes, is her blurry outline.

"Time?"

"Six. Your alarm was just about to go off."

He grunts and rolls over, instinctively reaching for his glasses.

"Everything'kay?"

"Yeah, just a wakeup call."

She hands off the glasses and he settles them on the bridge of his nose, blinking as he struggles to drag himself into full consciousness. There's a pillow crease on his cheek that he ineffectively rubs at while he sits up against the headboard.

"I made breakfast," Lily tells him, looking down at her hands.

"Pancakes. Found some bacon."

James just stares at her and she jiggles her leg a little restlessly.

"Petunia brought over some of that expensive Whole Foods bullshit she wants Dave to drink. We could-"

"You made breakfast?"

"Yes."

The corner of his mouth hitches up as he begins his search for a shirt to throw on. She watches as he grabs one off the floor, gives it a tentative sniff and deems it good enough. Lily crosses her arms over her chest as he drags it on, smiling like he's won the lottery when his head pops through the opening.

"You're going to make this a thing, aren't you?"

James practically flies off the bed to wrap both arms around her waist. Her feet lift off the floor a little as he sweeps her against his chest so he can pepper her with kisses. She feels the laugh rumble through his chest and softens, kissing his goofy face.

"You made breakfast."

"Just some dumb pancakes-"

"-They are not dumb-"

"-It's not a big deal. Seriously, getting weird over breakfast food, which is probably freezing now."

She feels his hold tighten around her as he shakes her a little. He ducks his head, making sure she's looking back at him, as if she could look away when they're this close and his fingers are ghosting along her sides soothingly.

"You're out of bed."

She feels a little shy at how happy he sounds; proud, like she walked on the moon, instead of just getting up and throwing on some clothes.

"I'm out of bed."

"Does that mean you're-"

"-starting to feel human? Yeah."

He's still beaming at her, but he seems to get that she feels weird celebrating a small step in the right direction, so he just kisses her cheek, releasing his hold so he can take her offered hand.

"Breakfast sounds great."

* * *

><p>Lily's on the couch watching Say Yes to the Dress and working on a king size candy bar when her night is interrupted. James and Dave are both asleep, and she's awake, a little wired as she adjusts to a new dosage that's still pulling her out of the fog.<p>

Remus comes in without knocking. Lily hears the front door open and close and is ready to make a grab for the baseball bat. She's halfway off the couch when she sees it's Remus and sinks back down.

"It's over."

His cheeks are pink from the cold. His hands are balled into fists at his side as he breathes heavily. He looks wrecked and the words come out quietly, like he can't say it any louder or it'll be real.

Lily pats the spot next to her on the couch and he comes over, sinking down and pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes as he drags in a deep breath and releases it on a sob.

He tries to keep it together and just shakes his head when he looks at her, smiling in a pained way.

"He w-wasn't faking, was he? You can't just fake something like that."

"What? Remus, no. What are you even talking about?"

"He didn't care. I…met up with him and he seemed…bored. Fuck."

"He's really messed up right now," Lily says slowly, placing her hand over his freezing one.

"But he cared. Anyone could see that."

"Not anymore, though," Remus says, letting out a laugh tinged with disbelief.

"And that's what counts, right? He doesn't give a shit anymore."

Lily has nothing to say to that. She can't argue the point because, lately, Sirius hasn't given a shit about anything other than himself. So she helps Remus out of his coat and then goes to the hall closet to grab all of the spare blankets.

They watch bad TV and Remus talks quietly, pausing occasionally for her insight, until there's nothing left to say.

* * *

><p>"Hey," Lily jabs Remus gently in the ribs until he grimaces in her direction.<p>

"What?"

"Come with me."

He grumbles something and rolls away, but she's undeterred.

"Remus."

"What time is it?"

"Late."

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"It's for your own good, I swear. Get up," she ruffles his hair lightly as she breezes by to grab both their coats.

Remus hauls himself off the couch, looking miserable and groggy. He accepts his coat from her and shrugs it on, still glaring as she pulls him toward the front door.

"Unless there's alcohol out there, I don't want to go."

"Just trust me, okay?"

Remus has something to say to that and it comes out in mumbled expletives that Lily ignores. She throws open the door, hauling him outside with her until they're standing in the middle of the street. She lets go of his hand and he crosses his arms across his chest grumpily.

"Look up," she orders.

He lets out a gusty sigh, complying if it will get them back inside sooner. She watches his face as he tilts his head back, looking up as snow flurries dance across the sky and settle on his lashes. The grumpiness dissipates, little by little. He keeps his gaze trained on the full moon and the stars winking overhead, eventually closing his eyes to breathe in the cold.

"The snow's sticking," Lily says quietly.

"It's getting colder. Christmas songs are already taking over the radio. Your winter break is starting this week."

Lily takes his face gently between both hands so she can look him in the eye.

"It sucks right now for you, a lot. But things are changing. Fall's over and there's snow. So, you're hurting and you have the right to hate everything, but it won't be like this forever."

Remus nods but doesn't say anything. His eyes are filling but he's smiling when the tears spill over onto his flushed cheeks.

"It will be good again."

"Promise?" he breathes, swallowing rapidly around the lump in his throat.

"Promise."

* * *

><p>An Whew! I purposefully covered a lot of ground in this chapter. I wanted to leave it on this note so I have options for where I pick things up next chapter.

Sirius' stuff is heavy but there are some lighter things that are going to be happening, and I'm excited for that.

Also - thank you, calypso! I promise that Lily's feeling about the French do not reflect my own. And I think I'm posting warnings just to cover my bases. This chapter features ableist language from Lily, so I wanted to make sure I warned ppl in case it's a thing for them. Thank you so much for your reviews!

Wanna chat some more? Find me on tumblr as jacknsallygal


	10. The boy who blocked his own shot

**A/n This chapter poured out of me. I'm pretty happy with where it went! Thanks (eternally) for reading and reviewing! **

Warnings: Discussion of suicidal ideation. Nothing graphic, but it's in here.

* * *

><p>Looking back, Lily realizes that she is the dumbest sort of asshole for making a promise to Remus about things getting better.<p>

Except, okay, for Remus, things kind of do. He has exactly one bad week. One week where he's the grumpiest Lily's ever seen him. The exhausting pace of finals coupled with being shit on by Sirius Black really does a number on him.

Lily doesn't hover, too much. She tries not to, anyway. She sticks in the background, watching as he picks up smoking on and off, curses and stomps around, spending too much time in his own head. When finals are over, he sleeps away an entire weekend, and then he's back. Remus the grump is replaced with Remus the normal, still a little out of step, but more familiar, and it makes her breathe a little easier.

So, while things are coming together for Remus, it only makes sense that elsewhere, something needs to go straight to hell. The universe needs balance, after all.

The call comes when they're asleep. James' face is smashed into a pillow, his leg settled comfortably over Lily's hip. He doesn't hear the phone right away, but it's his phone and the persistent chirping that wakes Lily. She lets out a small huff of annoyance and shoves James' leg away so she can climb over him and reach the nightstand where the screen's glowing.

"Hello?"

It takes exactly twelve minutes for them to get to the hospital, thanks to some impressive driving on Lily's part. James' shirt is inside out and his hair is a wreck from the number his anxious hands did to it on the ride over. He charges into the ER, wide awake with determination winning out over absolute terror.

Lily's at his side in her raggedy sweatpants, a little disoriented. There's an undercurrent of fear nipping at her. It's separate from the situation at hand and has everything to do with where they're at. The hospital, the ER, does that to her now, but she stands shoulder to shoulder with James at the front desk when he asks for Sirius Black's room.

They get the room number and it's only a quick trip down the hall before James comes to a complete stop at the sight of the two people standing outside the room, arguing quietly. The woman's wearing a fur coat and smells like she's drenched in Chanel N°5. Her black hair is piled on her head in an elegant arrangement despite the late hour. The man she's arguing with looks like he's wearing something from a GQ spread. There's gray at his temples but she's struck by how broad he is, how strong and stern he looks.

They're a formidable pair.

Lily takes James' hand in hers, giving it a squeeze to pull him back to the present in case he's floating away. He glances over with a weak but grateful smile, gets it together so they can come to stand directly in front of the couple.

"Mr. and Mrs. Black, I'm James-"

"We know who you are," the woman interrupts smoothly.

"It's good to see you, James. How are your parents?"

Lily can feel her eyebrows disappear into her hairline at the woman's tone. She's coolly polite, like they've just happened to bump into one another in a social setting instead of outside her son's hospital room.

"My? They're good. Fine. How's Sirius?"

Mr. Black's gaze zeros in on James, who's completely unaware of the swift change in demeanor. Lily takes it in as he stiffens and places a hand at the center of his wife's back.

"We need to be going if we want to make it-"

"-Going?"

James sounds so distressed that Lily places a hand on his arm. She grips the fabric of his shirt between her fingers as he looks between the two, not exactly surprised by the coldness, but still bewildered by how shockingly unruffled they are.

"We have an obligation-"

"-You can't," James sputters over the words, gesturing with both hands.

"You can't just leave-"

"-James-" Lily tries, quietly.

She knows there's no moving them. She can see it in their expressions, the way their eyes shift longingly in the direction of the exit with little patience for the man unraveling in front of them.

"-You're his parents!"

Mr. Black is looking at James like he might throttle him. He settles for pitching his voice lower, biting out the words as an angry flush colors both his cheeks.

"Sirius has known for a long time what it means to be part of this family. He's the one who has thrown his responsibilities and everything we've given him, back in our faces-"

"-Orion, please-"

"-And we are done," Mr. Black continues, despite his wife's disapproving look.

"We're done with him. So, if you'll excuse us. Our business here is finished."

Lily watches as Mrs. Black slips a hand into the crook of the elbow Mr. Black offers her.

Their exit coincides with Peter's arrival. He's flushed and out of breath, looking like he ran all the way to the hospital. His eyes widen as Mr. and Mrs. Black walk right past him into the too-early December morning. His face is a nearly comic blend of disbelief and understanding. He looks around wildly, like he's trying to locate someone else who will understand the enormity of them leaving.

Finally, he spots Lily and James and, still closer to the entrance than the pair of them, he says, _What the fuck_, loudly, drawing looks from staff and patients.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry," Sirius blurts.<p>

Once he starts, he can't seem to stop. The words spill out of him on an endless loop that only halts when James sits on the edge of the bed, mindful of the sling that's supporting his broken arm and pulls Sirius' head against his chest. He runs a hand over the other man's tangled hair and just hangs on, speaking softly so Lily has no idea what he's saying as she waits near the door.

When James releases him, both their eyes are red-rimmed. Sirius falls back against the bed, looking exhausted. James pats his chest lightly before standing up.

"I'm going to find someone about discharge stuff, okay? I'll be back soon."

Sirius just nods and James is out the door, practically at a jog.

Lily lingers by the door, nodding at James when he touches her arm on the way out. She turns back to look at Sirius whose face is nearly as pale as the bed sheet. He looks at her and then away, quickly, guiltily. His fingers tap out a rhythm against his leg. Beneath the blanket that a nurse probably draped over him, his leg bounces a little.

He's wound up so tight, Lily's surprised his head doesn't shoot off his body.

"How's the bike?"

His head jerks up, like he's surprised she's speaking to him, much less dragging a chair over to his bedside.

"Not totally wrecked."

"That's something."

Lily settles into the chair with Sirius watching her every move. She folds her jacket in her lap before placing her hand on the bed. It's a silent offer that he grabs on to with no hesitation. His hand is clammy, cold and sweating, shaking a little in hers, but he looks relieved, at least a little.

"Peter's making some calls. He'll be in soon. I can bring you a change of clothes."

"Where do I go?"

As soon as the words are out, Sirius looks surprised they came from him. He closes his mouth with a startled look.

"Home," Lily says quietly.

"We're bringing you home."

Home, where the Potter's will look out for him. They'll give him shelter, feed him until he's ready to burst. Mend him. Love him.

Lily's not sure if it's enough. If Sirius wants to be okay, to at least try, badly enough. Because going home to the Potter's is nothing short of perfect after being unceremoniously ejected from his biological family, but Lily knows that it won't mean much in the grand scheme of things unless Sirius wants to try.

Unless he's so uncomfortable fucking up, alienating himself, and being too hard on his body, that he wants to try treatment, there's nothing any of them can do.

* * *

><p>Lily meets Dr. Potter for the first time when she wakes up in a living room that's not hers, on a couch that's more comfortable than any bed she's ever slept on. She's still wearing what she wore to the hospital, and it's dark outside when she blinks herself awake.<p>

She doesn't have time to rub the sleep out of her eyes or try to do damage control on her mess of hair because Dr. Potter comes into the room with a mug in her hands and smiles when she sees that Lily's awake. Lily knows it's James' mom not just because she's in their house, or she's seen the other woman in pictures.

If Dr. Potter was in a lineup with a bunch of other women, Lily would still pick her because James' smile is a mirror of hers. It reaches all the way to their eyes, so you know they really mean it. As she gets closer, Lily notices her riot of dark hair, cut short and styled, unlike James, who does nothing to the chaos on his head, and she actually smiles because there's so much of her in James that she's just now seeing up close.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

"That's okay, I should probably be up, anyway. Do you know what time it is?"

"Close to ten."

Dr. Potter cradles the mug between both hands and sits on the edge of the coffee table. She takes a sip from whatever's in the mug before setting it aside so she can shift her focus.

"You must be Lily. I'm glad we're finally under the same roof, although I wish the circumstances were different."

Lily nods her agreement, trying not to feel nervous and grimy when the other woman looks so neat and put together, so _nice_.

"It's nice to meet you, Dr. Potter."

"Charlotte, please," she gently corrects.

"Charlotte," Lily says carefully.

And all of a sudden it comes spilling out. She tries to shut it down, to keep her mouth closed and choke back all of the gratitude that she feels swamping her, but it's no use.

"You wrote me the prescription."

Lily's not sure why she starts there. There's little doubt that James' mom has forgotten between then and now, but it feels like her mouth is making decisions independent from her brain.

"I would have…well, I wouldn't have been feeling so hot if you hadn't. So, thank you. And, uh, I don't plan on making that a habit or anything, so."

When Lily's brain and mouth are on speaking terms again she shuts up and rubs a hand over her face, a little horrified. For her part, Charlotte stands, her expression giving nothing away. Lily wants to bolt but the other woman tilts her head in the general direction of the kitchen.

"How about some tea?"

Lily trails after her, silently working on the odds of bolting from the house and never having to see her again. Instead she takes a seat on one of the stools at the island and accepts the warm drink she's handed.

"I was thinking of making a late dinner. Do you like pancakes?"

"I…yeah, pancakes are good."

Charlotte Potter pulls a box of Bisquick out of the pantry and sets about locating a bowl and measuring cups. Lily offers to lend a hand but gets waved away.

"James told me how grateful you were for the prescription," Charlotte remarks as she pours batter into the griddle on the counter.

"And now you've thanked me in person. You're very welcome, and it was no trouble. But I get the feeling you're uncomfortable around me."

Charlotte replaces the bowl and spatula on the counter, looking away from the stove to glance at Lily, who finds herself nodding. She still has the urge to bolt, but Charlotte's pretty down to earth and has been nothing but friendly, so she keeps her butt on the stool and goes for the truth.

"In my experience, parents aren't running out to find their kid a date who's Bipolar."

"Ah," Charlotte flips the row of pancakes with a thoughtful expression.

"But James picked you. Well, you picked one another. And that's what matters."

"It matters what his mom and dad think," Lily says quietly.

"Not everyone cares what their parents think, but James does. If you don't like me, or if your husband doesn't, I don't have a chance."

"I won't pretend that our opinion doesn't matter to him, but you're wrong if you think we could get away with being unkind to you. You're important to him, Lily. That much has been made clear."

Lily hands off a stack of plates to Charlotte, not sure what to say to that, and grateful when she continues speaking.

"I don't know you well, but I do like what I know so far. So, why don't we start with a late dinner and go from there?"

* * *

><p>"Don't tell him."<p>

After the best pancakes Lily thinks she's ever eaten, an introduction to Mr. Potter, _Charles, _and some down time hanging out with Peter, James and Sirius, she has to get going. She's been texting Petunia, being vaguely reassuring about her whereabouts and when she'll be back. But it's time to relieve her at the house and consider texting Remus, or holding off until she can figure out how to tell him what's eaten up her time.

She's jamming her feet into her shoes when Sirius says it. She doesn't even realize he's followed her downstairs, but she knows, as soon as it's out of his mouth, what he's talking about. She can't hide her disbelief when she rounds on him.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?"

The Sirius from the hospital is gone. He's no longer pale and shaking, dented but not broken after wiping out on the motorbike. He's back to being who he wants the world to see. He's leaning against the wall, looking pretty casual about what he's asking her to do; unruffled, like nothing's happened to shake up his entire world.

The only reminder is his cast. It's blue and covered in signatures and bizarre drawings thanks to their collective doodling and it's a very stark reminder that things are shifting, even if no one else has realized it yet.

"How exactly am I supposed to pull that off?"

"I don't care how you do it. Just don't, okay?"

"No," Lily jams the rest of her foot into her shoe with more force than necessary.

"I can't swing that. I don't lie to Remus-"

"-Think, Evans!" Sirius snaps, some of that nonchalance falling away as he looks at her, willing her to get it before he has to spell it out.

"I don't want him getting sucked back in. He hears about this, and that might happen. So do him a favor and don't say anything."

Lily considers him for a long moment and he begins to fidget a little under her gaze.

"I'll keep it to myself," she says slowly, watching him closely.

"But only if you tell me the truth."

"What are you-"

"-I know where your accident happened. I've walked by there a million times, and I noticed something about your story. When you crashed, the bike was heading straight for a telephone poll. I think you wiped out on accident, and meant to hit the poll."

There's a flicker, barely there and gone, in his eyes, and she keeps going.

"Everyone is saying how lucky you were to miss it, otherwise things would have been a lot worse. Deadly."

There's a tick in Sirius' jaw, he's clenching it so hard. Lily doesn't want him to think she's coming down on him about it, so she lowers her voice, still speaking with a sense of urgency that compels her to just say it, the suspicion that's crept up on her for a few hours now bleeding out between them.

"You were aiming for the poll because you wanted to check out. But you couldn't tell anyone that at the hospital without them freaking the fuck out. Am I right?"

He says, _No_, but he can't look at her because it sounds like a strong yes.

"I won't tell Remus. But you need to swear to me that you won't just sit on this."

"What does that even mean?"

"It means you consider telling someone. Figuring out if you want to try living or keep circling the drain."

Sirius has nothing to say to that, just looks away with his stony silence.

"No one can make you want to stick around, but for the record? I hope you do."

He's fighting to keep the mask of indifference in place, so she catches his eye, smiling sadly before she's out the door, leaving it at that. For now.

* * *

><p>Lily lies.<p>

It's uncomfortable, and it hardly sits well with her, but she does it for the few reasons she has.

Once Dave is in bed, they spend the remainder of her first night back on the couch, watching movies while Remus works up to a pleasant buzz with the help of a few beers. Lily abstains and focuses her efforts on raiding her father's candy stash. It's satisfying to work her way through his Swedish Fish and then move on to the chocolate.

"Lily, are we drift compatible?"

"Is that even a serious question?"

Things are getting smashed on screen so Lily isn't missing much, plot-wise, when she turns away from the action to shoot Remus a look. He's frowning into his beer and Lily decides that they've reached the moody drinking portion of the evening.

"Do you think you can be drift compatible with more than one person?"

"Yeah. Idris Elba drifted with the Australian douchebag, right?"

"Right."

"So, yeah."

"What if I can't drift with anyone else?"

"Remus-"

"-What if I'm too difficult?"

"-Oh my God, you are not-"

"-I'm a little ugly. Not totally unfortunate, but scrawny-"

"-You aren't-"

"-Now you're lying. You told me I was scrawny when we met-"

Because Lily loves him and he is her best friend, she removes the beer can from his grasp, setting it on the table before she picks a couch cushion off the floor and hits him over the head with it.

He laughs, startled, and then she attacks fully, lunging at him so she can sit on his chest and grip his face between both hands.

"Remus, my favorite jackass, light of my life, listen to me."

Remus frowns but makes no move to dump her on the floor, which is actually pretty charitable.

"First of all, if you're looking for more options, you could drift with Alice. I'm sure she'd be honored to drift with you. If this is about your romantic situation, I need you to locate your chill."

"That is the least supportive-"

"-Because," Lily continues loudly.

"You are not ugly, or difficult, or any of the bad things you routinely think about yourself. You're actually pretty fucking cool. Eventually, someone who's also pretty cool is going to beg to be able to drift with you. Okay?"

"I don't know if I believe that," Remus mutters, appearing apologetic.

Lily releases his face so she can lean forward and kiss his forehead, then sits back to ruffle his hair.

"You'll get there. Until you do, I'll pick up the slack and remind you."

* * *

><p><strong>LE:<strong> how are things at the potter house?

_JP:_ mellow. peter is wrapping sirius' arm in a trash bag so he can shower

_JP:_ Sirius is complaining *loudly*

**LE:** sounds about right

**LE:** heading to bed soon. just wanted to say I'm thinking bout you

_JP:_ r you?

**LE:** you are so bad at playing coy

**LE:** of course I am. who's gonna sleep with their face mashed in my pillow while ur gone?

**LE:** drool on it. turn into an octopus in the night & get all tangled with me

_JP:_ now I cant tell if you actually like sharing a bed with me or not

_JP:_ and I dont drool

_JP:_ okay, I do

**LE:** goodnight, james

_JP:_ goodnight, sweet

* * *

><p>Dave is with Petunia for his appointment and Remus is working when Lily stumbles across Sirius. Literally.<p>

He's sitting on the front steps, working on a cigarette, when Lily nearly trips over him trying to take out the trash.

"Hey," he stands up quickly, tossing the cigarette and exhaling a plume of smoke away from Lily.

"You're home."

"And you're…here. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Can I come in?"

Lily leads the way back inside, offering coffee, but Sirius just shakes his head and drops heavily into one of the kitchen chairs. Beneath the table, his leg is bouncing, the only outward sign that he's come for more than a friendly chat.

She takes her time pouring a glass of juice and bringing it to the table so she can sit across from him. She even extends the courtesy of taking a sip, giving him time, before deciding that he needs prompting.

"Sirius-"

"-I found an outpatient program," he rushes out.

Lily just stares at him, struck silent. Suddenly he's pulling pamphlets and wrinkled notebook paper out of his coat pocket, smoothing the sheets on the table with a brittle smile.

"It's up to eight weeks, but they, uh, work with you to figure out if you need more or less time. It's about twenty minutes from the Potter's…" Sirius trails off, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck for a few moments.

"I want to do it. I…thought about what you said. And I want to try…"

Lily reaches across the mess of papers to take his hand. She threads their fingers together and he laughs shakily.

"I'm so fucking scared," he breathes out.

"I've never turned down a dare. I'll do just about anything for the hell of it, right? And I've never…nothing's scared me like this."

He looks deeply ashamed, staring at the table as he says it. He can't quite look at her but he grips her hand and she hangs on. She wouldn't let go for anything. Because as mad as she is that he threw Remus' heart into a blender, which she hasn't forgotten and won't anytime soon, she also knows what it's like to be deeply afraid to try.

In this case, to try when it feels like the entire deck's stacked against you.

And she knows why he came to her. Because James would tell him that _it'll be okay_. Like it has to be okay because that's what happens when people get help.

Lily knows the truth, just as surely as Sirius is coming to terms with it.

There's no guarantee. The program, the meds – none of it is a sure fix. All they can do is try, making the exhausting decision, day after day, to try to be okay, in their own way.

"It's fucking terrifying," Lily admits.

She lets go of his hand only to scoot her chair next to his. She pick up the first pamphlet and gives his shoulder a nudge.

"Tell me about it."

* * *

><p><strong>An** I have a very clear idea about who made the call to James, and I wanted to work it in somehow, but couldn't. So, three guesses who it was. I'll post it at the bottom of the next chapter!

Thank you so much for the reviews and interest in the story. You're all lovely.


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